I’m Definitely Depressed

I feel like I’m swimming through gelatinous mud all of the time.  Things feel so hard.  My brain feels all mucked up.  Like I just can’t concentrate on anything.  And, I’m finding myself choosing sleeping over eating.  Ugh.

I had therapy today and my therapist said that I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness.  I had emailed her over the weekend and told her I was having lots of flashbacks of situations that woukd apply to that trafficking word.  When I arrived at therapy, she asked me if I was still having a hard time.  I said yes and she asked me if I should maybe talk about those flashbacks, and I said I probably should, but I didn’t want to.  Then my therapist said the I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness.  She said that it seemed like all of a sudden I don’t trust myself.  I’ve been thinking about that.  I think I’ve been doing lots of judging of myself and my process, and that’s leading me to falter and not know if it’s okay to go to where this process is leading me.  I’m still in the grieving mode, but I have not let myself say that in a very long time.  There’s still kid stuff to talk about, but sometimes that seems to me that it might be ridiculous that I’m 50 years old and still talking about what hapoened to me 25 and 30 and 40 years ago.  When does it end?  When do those years stop playing a major role in my life?  My therapist says that I can talk about everything as much as I want and she will listen, but I start feeling stupid sometimes.  She says she’ll tell me if she ever thinks I’m wallowing, but so far, she sees no sign of that.  So, I think my judgement of myself is not helping.  My therapist always says, “it just is”, and I think I need to take that to heart.  I did tell my therapust today that it is really hard to be a warrior when I’m depressed.  We talked about what I’m doing about my depression.  She suggested I call the psychiatric nurse practitioner who prescribes my medication, so I did.  I told the NP about my surgery and my fibromyalgia flare and depression.  She said that depression is often triggered by fibro flares and increased my Cymbalta dosage.  Hopefully, that will help.  And my therapist gave me an assignment to create a collage about how I’ve been a warrior throughout my life.  I’ll give an update on how that goes when I’m done.

OMG

I forgot to mention in my last post.  I was talking about all of the abusers in my therapy session yesterday, and my therapist said that what my parents dis was human trafficking.  She and I have talked in the past about one of my parents being a drug addiction and both of them being alcoholic.  We also had more money than it seemed, based on our houses, cars, etc.  My therapist said that my parents had to have gotten something out of all of my abusers or else they would not have shared me the way they did.  When my therapist said human trafficking, my mouth hung open, but it also rang true.  It was like things finally made sense…some of my why’s have been answered.  

Reflections and Resolutions

I’ve been feeling distinctly unwarriorish lately.  When I reflected on this feeling, and reread journal entries and blog posts, I found that this feeling probably started around the time I had my labiaplasty….and the same time I started a fibromyalgia flare.

I’ve become very interested in chakras and energy healing.  So I looked up what chakra could be affected by my labiaplasty.  The genitals are included in the Sacral chakra.  So, when there is a problem in the sacral chakra, it impacts your ability to stay on an even keel emotionally.  A blocked sacral chakra can lead to depression, insecurity, fear, panic attacks, poor boundaries, and being overly sensitive.  I know I’ve been depressed lately, because I sleep every moment I get too.  As long as the kids are being supervised by someone else, and my wife had been off from work for nearly a month, I’ve been sleeping every possible moment, curled up in a corner of the couch, with my cats and my electric blanket.  I’ve not been reading, I’ve not been writing, I’ve not been listening to music.  I’ve not been talking with friends or my wife and I’ve not bern doing much with my kids.  The kids thing is not normal for me….I’m usually on with them, no matter what.  I am games, do art, cook, go out with the kids constantly….except for the last few weeks.

I also have issues with my throat chakra.  I have for a long time.  Every time my massage therapist, Ginny, touches my neck, it brings up huge emotions.  I cry and things hurt.  I think that my throat chakra issues make it difficult to say what is going on with me.  I think this might be why I have a hard time even understanding what is going on with me sometimes because I’m unable to always communicate even with myself.

I also did a Google search to find out what chakra might be having problems if I’m not feeling like a warrior.  That would be my solar plexus chakra.  The solar plexus chakra being blocked can cause one to watch life as it passes by, in a passive manner.  That’s what this sleeping all the time feels like….my life is just passing me by, and I’m not taking much of a role in it.

The website I found about chakras has lots of reflection questions and meditation suggestions for working with blocked and overactive chakras, so I will be working on those.

My therapist was on vacation for a couple of weeks…my first session in a couple of weeks with her was yesterday.  The break was kind of nice..I dreaded it, but it turned out that it was helpful for me to just be able to get through the days and not be looking at anything too intensely.  It also gave me time to reflect a lot on what was going on with my depression.  So yesterday, in my session, I started talking about how this depression seemed to start with my labiaplasty.  My therapist asked why that was, and I told her I think it’s because that part of my body was so abused and felt bad, and I’ve self-injured that part of myself in the past and it seems to me that perhaps my body or some child part of me is angry and sad that I let other people hurt that part of my body again.  Some parts of me also think that my private areas are bad and I wish I didn’t have them.  I think that not having those parts would have helped to prevent me from being so savagely hurt as a child.  My therapist asked me what I imagined having instead of those parts,,,maybe a boy’s parts?  Nope, I just don’t want to have any parts. My therapist questioned me again…so like you’d just be asexual.  Nope.  I’d still be a girl….just without parts.  Like a Barbie doll, she asked?  Yup.  Like a Barbie…feminine with no parts.  My therapist then asked me if I didn’t think that all of the abusers would have found other ways to hurt me.  I’m not sure about  that.  Did they all really want to hurt me or were they attracted to little girl parts?  I don’t know, my therapist doesn’t know for sure.  Surely, I guess, that some of the abusers would have liked to exert control over me no matter the manner.  But for some of them, the lack of those parts may have been a deal breaker.  It’s something to think about because when I get into the child’s mind, those parts are bad.  But as an adult with a loving wife, those parts are good and an important part of our relationship.  Ugh.  It’s so confusing.  Is there a way to totally integrate the child parts with the adult me?  I really wonder about that.  Or do I just have to learn to continuously over ride the child parts speaking in my mind?  Part of my problem with these parts right now may be that the adult me really likes how my fixed up parts look and feel.  The adult me is really happy with those parts and pays more attention to them these days than in the past, so maybe the child parts of me are having a really hard time with that.  (That is probably too much information and I’m really sorry if this is bothering ).  And then I go in circles again back to without those parts that other people liked to look at and feel, maybe the abuse would not have happened….Ugh.  My mind and my parts are playing real games with my heart and mind.

Last night, I had my 2nd nearly buck naked full body massage with Ginny.  She used more pressure than the last time and I have to say it was more grounding for me than the lighter touch from the last time.  I had no moments of teariness…it would be okay if I had, but somehow it feels good that there were none…and I can still feel the tension release today.  Also, this is kind of funny, because there was actually no sexual feelings at all involved, but I keep remembering how she touched my arms or my legs or put her thumbs on every vertebrae or the very tender look Ginny gave me when I opened my eyes as she moved from my head to my arms.  I felt very nurtured last night, and those feelings come back as I remember those things.  Sure, my wife touches me all of the time, butBefothere is always the chance that those nurturing touches from her may lead to different kinds of touches, which is fine and wonderful, but with Ginny…I knew that wouldn’t be and the thoughts and memories put me in a very different head space.

I tried floating in a float tank last week…it’s supposed to be good for fibromyalgia and stress.  I’m not sure about that.  I think I fell asleep and I was so confused when I woke up that any stress relief was way out the window.  I may have to try it again before I give it a final verdict.

Before my therapist went on vacation, we were still working with the cat memory and specifically the cat dying because I said nope, I wasn’t going to do what the abusers wanted me to do.  That the cat was murdered because of me (and I get, maybe, possibly that it was not my fault…it was their fault, maybe…it was their fault, but somehow it was my fault too), my therapist said it was time for me to figure out how I was going to deal with the cat’s death.  My therapist actually said that figuring this out is my work right now.  I like that my work is that piece.  I like that I do not have to figure out anything else right now, although other things keep coming up.  My therapist suggested volunteering at a shelter for cats and I think that I am going to try that.

I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but I made one this year.  My resolution is to start recognizing my inner Warrior Queen in the way I live my life now and in the way I lived through my childhood and young adulthood. I’m pretty sure I’ll be writing more about that as the year goes on.

I’ve been writing this post for a couple of weeks so that is why it seems to be all over the place.  It really is all over the place.  But, now it’s done.

 

 

 

 

 

42 Questions You’ve Probably Never Been Asked Before

42 Questions You’ve Probably Never Been Asked:

1. First thing you wash in the shower?  My hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?  Pink

3. Do you plan outfits?  Yes, even though they’re not fancy

4. How are you feeling right now?  Tired, like I’m getting sick

5. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?  A red light on the cable box

6. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?  Something about my therapist clothes shopping with me

7. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope

8. What are you craving right now?  Hot tea

9. What comes to mind when you think of cabbage?  Sauerbraten and pickled red cabbage

10. Have you ever counted to 1,000 before?  Nope

11. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Bite

12. Do you like your hair?  Yes

13. Do you like yourself?  More often than I did last year

14. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?  No

15. What are you listening to right now?  MSNBC

16. Are your parents strict?  More abusive than strict

17. Would you go sky diving?  Yes, now that I’m less than half my size 13 months ago

18. Do you like cottage cheese? yes

19. Have you ever met a celebrity?  No

20. Do you rent movies often?  No

21. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?  The crystals on a lamp

22. Have you made a prank phone call?  Yes, the is your refrigerator running one.

23. Ever been on a train? yes

24. Brown or white eggs? White

25. Do you use chap stick? Sometimes

26. Can you use chop sticks?  no

27. Are you too forgiving?  No, I hold grudges

28. Ever been in love?  Yes, with my wife

29. Last time you cried?  Tuesday during therapy

30. What was the last question you asked?  Where is your new hat?

31. Favorite time of the year?  FALL

32. Do you have any tattoos?  Bope

33. Are you sarcastic?  Yes

34. Ever walked into a wall?  Yes

35. Favorite color? Pink

36. Have you ever slapped someone?  Yes

37. Is your hair curly?  Straight

38. Do looks matter?  Mine do, but not those of other people

39. Do you like your life right now?  Yes

40. Do you sleep with the TV on?  Never

41. Can you handle the truth?  Occasionally

42. Do you have good vision?  No, blinder than a bat without my glasses

Happy New Year

I went to New Year’s Eve Mass at my Church tonight.  The sermon on this night is always a reflection/meditation on the last year.  I laughed because the priest tonight asked how was your eating this past year, but did not mention any other kind of addiction.  I also laughed because my eating has changed so drastically in the past year, thanks to my gastric bypass.  I don’t go to church very often, because my kids don’t do well in church and because all of my spirituality goes beyond out traditional Catholic Mass…although, our Church is NOT a traditional Catholic Church.  It was interesting tonight to run into some people I probably haven’t seen in a year, who did not recognize me at all.  It’s really weird to realize that my outward appearance has changed so drastically.  I got dressed for Church this evening in a new shirt and pants that I bought yesterday, and realized that for the first time since probably 7th grade, I have boobs and a butt…two of the reasons I think I got fat on the first place.  You can definitely see my womanly curves now.  That’s a little disconcerting for me.  It was nice to see my favorite priest, Mary.  I love her so much and she has been so supportive of me for probably half my life.  She married my wife and me, twice….once in our church, once legally.  Mary, my priest, once helped me organize a healing ceremony for me where different friends of mine blessed all my body parts and everybody prayed over me.  That was a turning point for me and my healing…helping me to see all of the support I had.

I really loved Christmas this year.  I made cinnamon ornaments,with my boys, made two different kinds of Christmas cookies, and discovered the Pentatonix Holiday Pandora Station.  This is my favorite Seasonal song at the moment.

We had some drama with my wife’s family for Christmas this year. One of her relatives asked if she could bring her large misbehaved dog to our house for Christmas Eve Brunch.  We said no because of our kids and our cats.  And that caused a huge uproar.  My wife actually cancelled brunch, but then all of the drama came to an end and we ended up having a nice brunch.  The kids got lots of presents with fun  activities and games. We’re having lots of fun opening and playing with new things,every day.

In therapy, I’m dealing with the cat incident again.  I was hopeful that I was done with it after finishing the exposure technique that I wrote about before.  The last part of that was making a video of me telling the story of the cat incident.  When I watched that video, I was struck by how I’m an adult telling a story of something that happened more than 30 years ago.  It really is over.  I’m really not a kid anymore.  If only I could convince my heart of that.  My heart still hurts lots over that incident.  So, I’ve continued to have the flashback about that incident since I finished the exposure technique in therapy, but I feel like it’s been made less impacting by my watching the video I made.  Here’s the video.

But, even with watching that video, the idea of the cat dying, the idea that I should have known the cat was going to die, the idea that I am responsible somehow for that cat dying such a violent death…it’s haunting me.  My therapist says that’s my work right now…somehow making peace with the cat dying, somehow making sense out of it.  So I’m trying.  I don’t know if it’s really possible, but I’m doing lots of reflecting.  Sometimes I think it might have been better if I had died…but, I’m not sure that’s true.  Where would my boys be if I had died?  My therapist also told me the other day that standing up to my parents and saying no to them was a real warrior move, even if I eventually acquiesced to their wishes.  I’ve decided that I need to spend time reflecting on my warriorness even when I was small and young and so terribly hurt.  So, that’s some work for my 2017.  

I had my first ever full body, nearly buck naked massage a couple of weeks ago.  I even laid on the massage table both face down and face up.  My fibromyalgia has really been bothering me and this massage was so soothing emotionally and so relaxing physically.  My massage therapist who gas helped me in the past with touch was so gentle.  I cried once when she was holding my head and massaging my neck…my neck seems to hold lots of my emotions…and she stopped and do just held my shoulders and then helped me to find a,way to go on.  I was so proud of myself and felt such a sense of accomplishment when that massage was done.  I was thrilled with myself.  My primary care physician actually wrote me a prescription for a massage a month.  I’m looking forward to the next one in a couple of weeks.  

I have more 2017 work to do in letting go of some people in my life.  It feels horrible to think about, but I’m not who I used to be and I’m not willing to be walked over anymore.  

So, to all my blogging friends, I’m sorry for my absence as of late, I’ve missed you.  I wish everybody a very happy and fulfilling New Year.  💙💚💛💜

Christmas Letter to A Therapist

https://www.welldoing.org/article/letter-to-my-therapist-christmas

I just read this letter as it was referred on another blog I read.  I read this letter and totally got it.  My own therapist refers to having company and having lots of preparation to follow to get ready for the holidays, but I don’t know who the company is, and I don’t know what her traditions are.  And I think that it would not be within her boundaries to provide me with that information.  And, really, what would that information do for me in the long run?  My therapist is less available during the holidays and that is difficult for me as I long for the family that I imagine my therapist has got.  I don’t want her family, just the one in my mind.  

FUCKING FRIDAY

So, on the other side of Feel Good Friday, is Fucking Friday.  Ugh.  And guess what? This is not primarily about me, but it is related to me.  I just received a call from my eldest son’s school.  He is 9 and attends a charter school.  He is in a vlassroo. with both a regular education teacher and a special education teacher.  Mr. 9 Year Old ( to be known as 9 from now on) is in this particular classroom because he is a special education student.  Every year, when school starts on August, I have a face to face meeting with all teachers involved in 9’s education.  I explain 9’s history and diagnoses and behaviors and best methods of interacting with him.  we work together to create a behavior plan for 9 with scripted responses,and built in sensory breaks and movement activities, and rewards, and consequences.  All adults are enthusiastic and convey that they understand what I’m saying, but I know a secret.  I know that all of these new to 9 adults or maybe not new to 9 adults think that they are miracle workers and that 9 is your typical kid and that this will be the year that 9 turns around.  Well, 9 has conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, and a hugely traumatic early childhood.  What I learned after living for 4 years with 9, when he was 8, is that 9 is not going to adjust to us, we are going to have to adjust to him.  He lies, he steals, he is conniving, he is impulsive, he is extremely smart but has a lack of executive functioning skills, he has no remorse or feelings of empathy.  9 is cute, helpful, loves attention, loves to read.  He is generally happy and not aggressive-these two things make me happy.  At home, his windows have child locks and alarms, we lock up matches, cleaning supplies, unused electronics, extra shampoo and liquid soap, we lock our bedroom, there is an alarm on 9’s bedroom door, his other mom and I have 9 within our sight at all times, unless he is in his bedroom or the bathroom.  we keep in mind where 9’s brothers are in relation to 9 at all times.  9 has tried tok set fires in our house, he has been very sexually inappropriate with his brothers, he has destroyed expensive electronics, he has dumped out countless bottles of shampoo and liquid soap, he has stolen all of my jewelry and done God knows what with it, he has climbed out 2nd story windows and run away.  At first, we tried to change 9.  He has changed some…Learned to keep his seat belt on in the car, learned to ask for food and eat it at the table, learned to say yes, mommy, learned to respond when he is called, learned to say please and thank you.  But, those other things….stealing stuff, destroying stuff, ….we had to adjust to him and change our behavior.  well, at this time of the year, all of the adults who work with 9 in school start getting g frustrated as 9 has not adjusted to their expectations yet.  I start getting phone calls about how he behaves one day and not the next.  Yes, this is 9.  This is how it goes.  Some days, he’s going to do his math, some days he’s not.  some days he’s going to follow all of the rules in gym, some days he’s not going to.  As the adults, the teachers need to remind him of their expectations every single day, even if they’ve already done so for 100 days.  It really makes a difference.  Every time I take 9 out, I remind him of how he is going to behave, of how when I say it’s time to leave, we’re going to leave, how if he screams or throws things I’m going to to deal with it.  I’ve been doing it for 5 years, I really don’t see an end in sight.  The gym teacher called me today…he had 9 take a break due to not following rules for the game they were playing.  The gym teacher was going to have 9 rejoin the game after 5 minutes, but then 9 had a tantrum and had to leave.  I asked if the gym teacher had told him that he would get back into the game after his break.  The gym teacher told me that 9 knows hell get to rejoin the game, everybody get to rejoin after a break.  I told him, you have to remind 9 every time.  We have to adjust to 9, he is not going to adjust to us.  Gym teacher got snippy, sarcastically told me, thanks for your help, and hung up.  Fuck me Friday.