Trudging through the woods…

I just had a disagreement with somebody.  We were talking, having a semi normal conversation, and the person I was speaking with said something that set off a cascade of feelings in me.  I felt angry and terrified…little kid terrified and adult terrified and angry because I thought/felt that Little Patty was in danger.  Little me was terrified because she thought she needed to protect herself and was pretty sure the other person was not thinking of her at all.  Adult Patty was nervous because she could feel herself dissociating and was trying very hard to stay in her adult body and also knew that anger with this person had not gone well in the past.   I finally said what was on my mind, squeezing the words out around the thoughts and images racing through my mind.  I did not say it well and it did not go well.  And then the other person had to go.  That person seemed perturbed with me,  we didn’t have our normal goodbye,  and i wandered rath er blindly to my car.   I got in and honestly coukd not move. I was suddenly exhausted beyond my limits.   I sat for 32 minutes, trying to pull myself together.  There were no tears, no concrete thoughts,  no feelings….just sitting.  At some point, i dug a chunk out of my hand.  Ivwas unaware, and only notived once blood was dripping off my hand.   Then i drove myself to the nearest park and trudged through the woods.  I usually find myself very much grounded and present when walking  in nature.   I was neither….I started the grounding exercise of the 5 things i could see, 4 things i could hear, 3 things I  could feel,  2 things I could smell.   Then feeling my various body parts working my way up and back down my entire body.  After 90 minutes, I was mostly present.  I came home.  I’m pretty worried about that relationship.

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A Beautiful Day

I am having a difficult time sharing my healing process right now, so I’ll share with you the photos from my outdoor to me today.   I’m sitting in the middle of the woods and all I hear are geese honking at a nearby pond and birds chirping.  I’m peaceful for the first time in 48 hours.  I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic.  Things today are looking up.

I know I’ve been missing…

And I know I don’t like it the bloggers I follow just disappear without a word.  Honestly, I can’t even put into words wh ere I’ve been for 2 months.   It seems that lots of stuff in my life just went haywire for awhile.  So, let me try to explain.  First, my oldest child is diagnosed with Conduct Disorder.   He does lots of wild and dangerous and crazy-making stuff.  He steals, lies, causes conflict, tries to act out sexually with his brothers, runs away.   He gets services that help to maintain his placement on the home instead of needing a higher level of care.  At the end of February,  his caseworker told me he probably would not qualify for those services anymore.  My wife immediately started talking about an out of home placement for him and this totally stressed me out.  We do basically watch him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Eyes on supervision unless he is in his room with a door alarm on.  The saving grace has been that those services give us one entire weekend a month of respite, and it was difficult to conceive of life without that respite.   The uncertainty of his services continuing went on for 7 weeks.  Then oldesst son’s therapist came through and wrote a letter stating that without these services, there was a very high risk of an out of home placement.   Phew.  Services are  continued for another year. 

Then, my wife and I are not getting along well.  Now that I’m pretty thin, any suggestion from me about taking care of her health is taken as an insult.  Ugh.  I make healthy meals and she won’t eat them.  I think we had an entire 6 weeks where not a fruit or vegetable passed her lips.  She would turn down my healthy meals, criticize them in front of the kids, and eat toast or Lucky Charms for dinner.  We started couple’s counseling, I confronted her about trying to kill herself, and things seem to be on an upswing.  

My best friend (I’m pretty sure that I’m not her best friend anymore) is sick.  I’ve been pretty absent from her long term treatment…mostly because of my children’s needs,  but also because we had a mutual friend, who is no longer my friend, but who is, along with her family, involved in my best friend’s life.  The ex mutual friend really lambasted me for my treatment of my children and told me that I was not a worthy enough friend for her.  I have been avoiding my best friend due to the fact that I cannot stand the idea of running into this ex friend of mine.  But, then, my best friend’s son was hit by a car, catastrophically injured, and 2 weeks later she and her husband had to make the heart breaking decision to turn off their son’s life support machines.  I was at the hospital the first night and the second day and thhen the night before the son died.  I ran into the ex friend and her family at the hospital in the family lounge.  I did smile at them and received nasty looks in return.   They would walk right by me and not even acknowledge me as their bodies brushed mine.  It was horrible and I felt totally humiliated.   Oh, well.  I was there for my friend.  

I’ve been struggling with my fibromyalgia  and ptsd.  I think my son’s lying and stealing triggers me.  My stress  around his future triggers me.  My stress with my wife around his issues triggers me.  I’ve had lots of flashbacks.  One we’ve been working on with the exposure techniques doesn’t seem to be responding to the exposure.  I’m thinking it’s because we hadn’t spent the  amount of time talking about the memory we are working on that we had spent on the cat memory.

My therapist has started Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with me and also Corrective Attachment Therapy.   Something about these two things plus the fact that my therapist has come up with different supplemental approaches gives me hope.

Feeling

I’m having a feeling day.  I’m not sure that I like it.  I feel like my heart might be ripped up in little pieces and spread throughout my body because I’m feeling all of my feelings everywhere.  My therapist and I are doing some exposure work with a set of flashbacks I’ve been having.  I’m not being able to complete much of the process in one session.  I’m having to stop the process before session time is up, otherwise, I know I’m going to end up in a soggy mess on the floor and have all sorts of trouble scraping myself up when I’m done.  Do today, we did the part where my therapist tells me the story using stick figure pictures that I drew.  I could feel myself trying g to dissociate and disappear and I managed to not do that.  I kept trying to sit on my hands as that restrains me and silences me.  I had to work really hard not to do that.  I cried big gulping cries at one point.  At one point I felt so sick that I was weighing my options of bolting to the ladies room or grabbing a trashcan, but that feeling subsided as quickly as it came on.  I got angry at one point.  I was incredulous that this stuff could have happened to me.  I was amazed that the capable woman I see in the mirror every morning lived through that and turned out to be me.  And now, I feel wrung out and like I’m dying.  I’m sure that the dying part is an old feeling left over from that incident, but it’s still scaring me….to the point where I actually left a message about it on my therapist’s voice-mail.  I’m not sure she’ll respond, and she doesn’t have to.  I just wanted her to hear what is going on now that my session has been over for a couple of hours.  I’d really like to curl up and sleep, but I have to pick one boy up from Scouts, meet with another boy’s service provider, and then get all three boys to a Friday night pizza party and Mine Minecraft night.  While they are there, my wife and I are going out for dinner…with just adults and no tomfoolery.  Then, later this evening, I’ll get the chance to tend to these feelings and this body again.  I’m looking forward to the couch, the cats, and some tea.