Letting Go…

This is my year of letting go.

Letting go of friends who were no friends.

Letting go of beliefs that don’t serve me and make me whole.

Letting go of my brokenness and embracing my healing.

Letting go of other people’s judgments of me and embracing my truth.

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I thought

These holidays would be the easiest in a long while.  Christmas music was uplifting, the Christmas tree was good.  I was looking forward to long hikes with my boys.  

So what happened?

Well, first of all, the flu shot was apparently not effective this year as my wife got the flu on the 21st.  Then i came down with it on the 24th.  Once my wife is sick, she becomes incapable of anything….which was fine for the days i was not sick.  Once i got sick, i thought she’d step it up a little.  Nope.  All left to me.  Child care.  Elderly parent care.  Having any kind of a Christmas day for the kids…on my shoulders, totally.  I asked for help often.  I got none.  I felt like a drowning animal.  Even today, i rested after dinner.  Then i went to help our youngest with his shower, vacuumed a newly vacant room upstairs, put away laundry.  My wife commented, you must have had a burst of energy.  I said, nope.  I just get done what needs to be done.

What else?  Well, as i mentioned, my wife is sick with the flu.  After she had a coughing fit that lasted 20 minutes, her face was beet red, and as far as i could tell, never caught a full breath in that 20 minutes, i suggested a visit to the doctor.  Sbe poo-pooed the idea.  Honestly, during that coughing fit,  i thought sbe would end up unconscious on the floor and I’d be calling 911.  I was so scared for her.  But, nope.  She also has undiagnosed, untreated sleep apnea.  I’m often awakened at night by her not breathing and counting the seconds until she inhales again.  I’ve actually been able to get up, go to the bathroom, pee, wash my hands, and come back to bed before the next inhalation.  But, why should that scare me?  She says I’m only on her case because I’m skinny and i want her skinny.  Nope.  I want her alive.  I love her body just the way it is.  But, it needs to be warm….not cold and dead.  

The next problem is ongoing and i alluded to it in my last post.  My oldest son has become very physically aggressive.  He’s had stealing, lying, running away, sexual acting out, fire setting problems for years.  But, now, he’s become violent towards me and his brothers.  We have had the police to our house 8 times since October.  He has been MHA’D twice.  He has given me a concusdion and permanently damaged a knee…that was already in bad shape…and was supposed to be replaced i  November, but i had to cancel that surgery because i didn’t want to risk him hurting the replacement.  So…did he  he ruin Christmas?  Nope.  He was angelic around other people and people kept saying, he’s doing so well.  Guess he won’t have to go to residential treatment.  Um, nope people.  You don’t see it, but we do.  The edginess around requests, the blatant disregard of basic rules…what 10 year old eats drippy fried eggs and sausages with his hands?  Stealing and eating your candy while he has piles of his own.  It’s not okay and cute.  He’s not 2, he’s 10.  I know, I know.  He’s damaged by trauma.  But it doesn’t make this behavior okay and it doesn’t make the behavior terrify me less and it doesn’t make his behavior any less triggering of my own PTSD .

Anything else?  Yup.  One more.  My wife….she leaves dealing with Mr. 10 year-old to me.  While I have the flu.  While she has the flu.  While he targets me.  While I’m back to panic attacks in grocery stores.  While i make her dinner and get her drinks.  While i make sure there is food in the house.  Mr. 10 year-old is my issue.  

I get it that marriage is for better or worse, and that this may be a worse time for my wife.  I don’t hate her.  I just don’t understand her thinking and her way of being right now.

I get it that parenting is not all hugs and love and sunshine and rainbows.  But, my son does terrify me in a way i would have not expected.

So.  Christmas was not the easy one i thought it would be.

I really do feel trapped, by my son, by my history, by my kids’ traumas, by my wife’s traumas ( i think that whatever they are, they play a role here), by holiday expectations, by sickness.

Oh, yeah.  People reading might relate to this.  Could be the straw that broke the camel’s back and has me weeping like a baby.  I was to have no missed therapy sessions this holiday season.  I missed two this past week due to the freaking flu.  Thanks lots, vaccine makers.  I miss my therapist and her couch and her tissues and having an hour to cry when I need to.

Trapped…

It’s the story of my life.

Trapped by the abuse by  my parents.

Trapped because I was a child.

Trapped in my own home because wbere does a child go besides home?

Trapped by my mind.  Memories, flashbacks, nightmares.  How do you escape your own mind?

Trapped by my own child and his crazy-making, anxiety-producing, tertifying behaviors.

Trapped still by my own mind.  Flashbacks and nightmares triggered by my child.

Trapped in my own home.  And where does a parent go, but home?

Trapped.  A recurring story in my life.

Our Awesome World

I went out for a walk today and was by myself on a trail, when I heard strange noises that sounded like a large animal knocking down trees.  After I got my wild imagination under control, i realized the sound was leafless trees knocking together in the wind.  I’ve included the video I took so you can hear the eery noises.  I was amazed that I’ve not noticed these sounds in any woods before and in awe of the big world around me.

Cleansing

 

I stood on a bridge over this stream today.  This stream is one of many on the hiking trail I was on.  The streams turn into waterfalls which splash into a major river that feeds into one of the Great Lakes.  I stood on the bridge, which was just wooden slats, and held out my arms, and raised my head, and closed my eyes.  I could hear the stream rushing by and the wind in the trees above my head.  I imagined this stream of cold pure water rushing through my body and touching every cell in my body, making them clean, pure, refreshed, back to before they were damaged.  I felt the wind blowing through my body, dissipating all that isn’t mine to hold on to.  I was cleansed, at least for a moment, of the demons inhabiting my heart and soul.  I was once again baptized into my adulthood and the knowledge of my inherent innocence and purity.  I was whole.

How We Talk to Ourselves 

One of the things that my therapist talks about regularly with me is the language that I use.  Every session, we consult the thesaurus to look for the best words to describe a situation or feeling.  We also talk about the language I use to speak about myself and my experiences and the affect that language can have on me.   

Today, Jodi, a therapist and shaman that i know, posted this video.  She talks about the affect on us of acknowledging how well we are functioning despite how awful we may be feeling.   This suddenly made sense to me.  Self talk really does make a difference.  I can choose to tear myself down with my words or to build myself up eitwh my words.  Instead of saying to myself that I’m a mess because of all of my flashbacks and nightmares, I can choose to talk about the fact that I’m still functioning well as a parent, a wife, and a friend in spite of feeling tired and drained due to tbe flashbacks and nightmares.

I’m making a commitment to myself to work on being aware of how I talk to myself, and changing it to build myself up, instead of tearing myself down.

Thanks. Jodi!

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