To the infant me:
I will take you to parks and creeks and mountains and lakes and hills and oceans and wetlands and beaches. You will be safe with me. I will not let go of you until you are ready to walk on your own. I will never let go of you until you are ready to swim on your own. Even when you are older and stronger and more independent, I will hold your hand and hug you. When you are scared, I will honor your fear. When you are brave, I will honor ypur courage. I will teach you to be a warrior, even when you are needy. I will teach you to be brave enough to learn to value solitude. I will be with you. No matter what.
In a previous post, I wrote that my therapist has started Corrective Attachment Therapy with me. It is something that gives me great hope for my healing. The idea is to get me attached to my younger self, really voice what happened in my life, and then, through role plays or empty chair exercises , tell the people who hurt me exactly what they did to me and what I feel about those things. One of my hopes about this therapy is that it will help to loosen the tentacles of abuse that hold my younger selves hostage, who in turn hold parts of my mind, heart, and soul hostage through the constant replaying of that abuse. Hopefully, my younger selves will eventually be attached to me and the strong, caring woman I am instead of being attached to the abuse and trying to get that love and protection from the abusers themselves.
This therapy is not easy. It requires follow-up between sessions. It requires lots of attention from me because the infant me requires lots of attention. This therapy is bringing to light what a baby needs and how many of my normal baby needs were not met. The good part of this therapy is that it requires lots of reflecting and talking from me. I’m beginning to make connections I’ve not made before.
I’m using a doll from my childhood as a representative of the baby I was. It’s peculiar how often I’m drawn to cuddle that doll at night. I believe parts of me are starting to relax as they understand that I am working to meet their needs.
Today is one of those 2 days a year that I really dread. The other is Mother’s day.
I don’t want to celebrate Father’s day. I could celebrate it in two ways. I could celebrate my father…, but, I don’t know how to do that. He did horrible, vitriolic, deviant, and heinous things to me, but i also inherited some of my favorite parts of myself from him. I learned my love of music and reading from him. He taught me most of what i know about nature…and I know quite a bit. I inherited my intelligence from him. My sense of humor, which I also share with my brother, my nieces, and a few of my cousins, mirrors that of my father when be was in a good mood or out in social situations. I learned to be creative from my father. It’s really a Catch-22 for me.
I could also celebrate the father of my children. I am grateful for the man’s sperm as it helped to create my children, whom I love with all my heart. But, he’s not a good man. My children’s father hurt them in many different and horrible ways. He’s the reason they have many of the issues they have. So, really, im not interest in celebrating him.
We did celebrate my wife’s father today. He is a great father. He’s quiet and unassuming and supports his children in anyway possible. I love holidays with him. He recently went on a cruise with us and was great with our kids. He actually started teasing me in a loving way on our cruise and l realize that even though he didnt understand his daughter wanting to marry me, he is now totally accepting of me as his daughter-in-law.
That is how I feel today.
When will I ever get life right?
I just had a disagreement with somebody. We were talking, having a semi normal conversation, and the person I was speaking with said something that set off a cascade of feelings in me. I felt angry and terrified…little kid terrified and adult terrified and angry because I thought/felt that Little Patty was in danger. Little me was terrified because she thought she needed to protect herself and was pretty sure the other person was not thinking of her at all. Adult Patty was nervous because she could feel herself dissociating and was trying very hard to stay in her adult body and also knew that anger with this person had not gone well in the past. I finally said what was on my mind, squeezing the words out around the thoughts and images racing through my mind. I did not say it well and it did not go well. And then the other person had to go. That person seemed perturbed with me, we didn’t have our normal goodbye, and i wandered rath er blindly to my car. I got in and honestly coukd not move. I was suddenly exhausted beyond my limits. I sat for 32 minutes, trying to pull myself together. There were no tears, no concrete thoughts, no feelings….just sitting. At some point, i dug a chunk out of my hand. Ivwas unaware, and only notived once blood was dripping off my hand. Then i drove myself to the nearest park and trudged through the woods. I usually find myself very much grounded and present when walking in nature. I was neither….I started the grounding exercise of the 5 things i could see, 4 things i could hear, 3 things I could feel, 2 things I could smell. Then feeling my various body parts working my way up and back down my entire body. After 90 minutes, I was mostly present. I came home. I’m pretty worried about that relationship.
This just came on my Pandora and it spoke to me. Maybe it will also speak to you.