Nightmares

I’ve been having nightmares lately, almost like sleeping flashbacks.  I’ve been almost not sleeping.  I’ve also been doing almost no work on my childhood trauma in therapy.  I’ve had other stuff to focus on…my wife refusing to admit that she is physically falling apart, my oldest son with his increasingly intense behavioral issues, my constantly failing friendships, my seeming social ineptness.  But, I think in not spending time on my childhood stuff, I’ve forced my mind, my heart, my younger parts to leak the stuff out anyway possible; hence the nightmares.  And I’m realizing that most of these nightmares are of events that took place between the ages of 10 and 14.  In fact, this evening, I took time to attempt to list out everything that happened in those years.  It was so much, and so completely horrifying, that I dry heaved through the writing of the list.  It was pretty gross, but pretty telling of just how petrified i must have been as a kid.  I am overwhelmed by the ghastly things I lived through in those years, and for the first time ever, I also found myself totally awed by the child who could survive those things, and not die.  That child, not only survived, but found people to love her.  That child grew up to be a good person….a good wife, good mother, good friend. 

So, that is the state of my heart right now…overwhelmed and awed (and intensely nauseous…yuck).

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5 thoughts on “Nightmares

  1. I understand this completely. I have nightmares every single night of the trauma and abuse I was put through. We work and work on it in therapy but have yet to find a way to stop them. Hang in there.

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    • I’m sorry for what happened to you too. It makes me so angry when the offenders get light sentences, if any at all. The abused suffer for so many more years. I wish you encouragement as you also continue down this path to healing. It will happen – you and Patty have come so far already. I pray the nightmares will completely stop and memories of events & faces will fade, leaving a peace that you can’t explain.

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  2. I’m so sad to read that you had to go through such horrendous experiences. It’s not fair at all. Your young self must have been in so much fear and pain!

    And at the same time, to read that you are able to see and admire that girl for not only surviving, but growing up to be such a good person… well, reading that is deeply touching. I’m very glad you can acknowledge how amazing she is/you are.

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  3. Hi Patty, it feels odd pressing the ‘Like’ button and not commenting, because the topic is so tender, raw and emotional. My heart goes out to you for all you have suffered, including up till now. I am so sorry your childhood and teenage years were so cruelly robbed from you. Thank you so much for taking time to share such sensitive thoughts. There will always be people on here ready to listen and hopefully support you in your journey towards some kind of recovery. I wish you all the best and look forward to reading more of your blogs and crying with you as you come to terms with what evil minded people did to you. You will recover because you are loved and are helping millions of others who have had similar experiences. You don’t have to feel strong – you are helping more than you would ever know, because you are just being yourself.

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