I’ve been having nightmares lately, almost like sleeping flashbacks. I’ve been almost not sleeping. I’ve also been doing almost no work on my childhood trauma in therapy. I’ve had other stuff to focus on…my wife refusing to admit that she is physically falling apart, my oldest son with his increasingly intense behavioral issues, my constantly failing friendships, my seeming social ineptness. But, I think in not spending time on my childhood stuff, I’ve forced my mind, my heart, my younger parts to leak the stuff out anyway possible; hence the nightmares. And I’m realizing that most of these nightmares are of events that took place between the ages of 10 and 14. In fact, this evening, I took time to attempt to list out everything that happened in those years. It was so much, and so completely horrifying, that I dry heaved through the writing of the list. It was pretty gross, but pretty telling of just how petrified i must have been as a kid. I am overwhelmed by the ghastly things I lived through in those years, and for the first time ever, I also found myself totally awed by the child who could survive those things, and not die. That child, not only survived, but found people to love her. That child grew up to be a good person….a good wife, good mother, good friend.
So, that is the state of my heart right now…overwhelmed and awed (and intensely nauseous…yuck).