Trudging through the woods…

I just had a disagreement with somebody.  We were talking, having a semi normal conversation, and the person I was speaking with said something that set off a cascade of feelings in me.  I felt angry and terrified…little kid terrified and adult terrified and angry because I thought/felt that Little Patty was in danger.  Little me was terrified because she thought she needed to protect herself and was pretty sure the other person was not thinking of her at all.  Adult Patty was nervous because she could feel herself dissociating and was trying very hard to stay in her adult body and also knew that anger with this person had not gone well in the past.   I finally said what was on my mind, squeezing the words out around the thoughts and images racing through my mind.  I did not say it well and it did not go well.  And then the other person had to go.  That person seemed perturbed with me,  we didn’t have our normal goodbye,  and i wandered rath er blindly to my car.   I got in and honestly coukd not move. I was suddenly exhausted beyond my limits.   I sat for 32 minutes, trying to pull myself together.  There were no tears, no concrete thoughts,  no feelings….just sitting.  At some point, i dug a chunk out of my hand.  Ivwas unaware, and only notived once blood was dripping off my hand.   Then i drove myself to the nearest park and trudged through the woods.  I usually find myself very much grounded and present when walking  in nature.   I was neither….I started the grounding exercise of the 5 things i could see, 4 things i could hear, 3 things I  could feel,  2 things I could smell.   Then feeling my various body parts working my way up and back down my entire body.  After 90 minutes, I was mostly present.  I came home.  I’m pretty worried about that relationship.

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4 thoughts on “Trudging through the woods…

  1. That sounds pretty intense. Well done for speaking your truth though, however clumsily you did it. That’s important. And it does take time & energy to recover from being so triggered… you did a good job

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Even it didn’t go well as you had hoped, it is a milestone by you reacting and trying to convey your feelings rather than keeping them bottled inside. Hopefully you won’t have reason to do this too many times to avoid the confrontation all together, but it is the only way in the end and you will get better at it. Hugs my dear warrior.

    Liked by 1 person

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