I know I’ve been missing…

And I know I don’t like it the bloggers I follow just disappear without a word.  Honestly, I can’t even put into words wh ere I’ve been for 2 months.   It seems that lots of stuff in my life just went haywire for awhile.  So, let me try to explain.  First, my oldest child is diagnosed with Conduct Disorder.   He does lots of wild and dangerous and crazy-making stuff.  He steals, lies, causes conflict, tries to act out sexually with his brothers, runs away.   He gets services that help to maintain his placement on the home instead of needing a higher level of care.  At the end of February,  his caseworker told me he probably would not qualify for those services anymore.  My wife immediately started talking about an out of home placement for him and this totally stressed me out.  We do basically watch him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Eyes on supervision unless he is in his room with a door alarm on.  The saving grace has been that those services give us one entire weekend a month of respite, and it was difficult to conceive of life without that respite.   The uncertainty of his services continuing went on for 7 weeks.  Then oldesst son’s therapist came through and wrote a letter stating that without these services, there was a very high risk of an out of home placement.   Phew.  Services are  continued for another year. 

Then, my wife and I are not getting along well.  Now that I’m pretty thin, any suggestion from me about taking care of her health is taken as an insult.  Ugh.  I make healthy meals and she won’t eat them.  I think we had an entire 6 weeks where not a fruit or vegetable passed her lips.  She would turn down my healthy meals, criticize them in front of the kids, and eat toast or Lucky Charms for dinner.  We started couple’s counseling, I confronted her about trying to kill herself, and things seem to be on an upswing.  

My best friend (I’m pretty sure that I’m not her best friend anymore) is sick.  I’ve been pretty absent from her long term treatment…mostly because of my children’s needs,  but also because we had a mutual friend, who is no longer my friend, but who is, along with her family, involved in my best friend’s life.  The ex mutual friend really lambasted me for my treatment of my children and told me that I was not a worthy enough friend for her.  I have been avoiding my best friend due to the fact that I cannot stand the idea of running into this ex friend of mine.  But, then, my best friend’s son was hit by a car, catastrophically injured, and 2 weeks later she and her husband had to make the heart breaking decision to turn off their son’s life support machines.  I was at the hospital the first night and the second day and thhen the night before the son died.  I ran into the ex friend and her family at the hospital in the family lounge.  I did smile at them and received nasty looks in return.   They would walk right by me and not even acknowledge me as their bodies brushed mine.  It was horrible and I felt totally humiliated.   Oh, well.  I was there for my friend.  

I’ve been struggling with my fibromyalgia  and ptsd.  I think my son’s lying and stealing triggers me.  My stress  around his future triggers me.  My stress with my wife around his issues triggers me.  I’ve had lots of flashbacks.  One we’ve been working on with the exposure techniques doesn’t seem to be responding to the exposure.  I’m thinking it’s because we hadn’t spent the  amount of time talking about the memory we are working on that we had spent on the cat memory.

My therapist has started Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with me and also Corrective Attachment Therapy.   Something about these two things plus the fact that my therapist has come up with different supplemental approaches gives me hope.


6 thoughts on “I know I’ve been missing…

  1. Good to see you here but sorry to hear of all the stress. The issues with your wife must be so hard to cope with…particularly with kid issues going on. 😦

    I hope things ease up a little soon. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anybody would have to take a break and be absent, but you haven’t been forgotten. I’m sorry life is so tough and my heart goes out to you, but I also know the warrior within you and I am confident you will conquer. Sending much love your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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