Feeling

I’m having a feeling day.  I’m not sure that I like it.  I feel like my heart might be ripped up in little pieces and spread throughout my body because I’m feeling all of my feelings everywhere.  My therapist and I are doing some exposure work with a set of flashbacks I’ve been having.  I’m not being able to complete much of the process in one session.  I’m having to stop the process before session time is up, otherwise, I know I’m going to end up in a soggy mess on the floor and have all sorts of trouble scraping myself up when I’m done.  Do today, we did the part where my therapist tells me the story using stick figure pictures that I drew.  I could feel myself trying g to dissociate and disappear and I managed to not do that.  I kept trying to sit on my hands as that restrains me and silences me.  I had to work really hard not to do that.  I cried big gulping cries at one point.  At one point I felt so sick that I was weighing my options of bolting to the ladies room or grabbing a trashcan, but that feeling subsided as quickly as it came on.  I got angry at one point.  I was incredulous that this stuff could have happened to me.  I was amazed that the capable woman I see in the mirror every morning lived through that and turned out to be me.  And now, I feel wrung out and like I’m dying.  I’m sure that the dying part is an old feeling left over from that incident, but it’s still scaring me….to the point where I actually left a message about it on my therapist’s voice-mail.  I’m not sure she’ll respond, and she doesn’t have to.  I just wanted her to hear what is going on now that my session has been over for a couple of hours.  I’d really like to curl up and sleep, but I have to pick one boy up from Scouts, meet with another boy’s service provider, and then get all three boys to a Friday night pizza party and Mine Minecraft night.  While they are there, my wife and I are going out for dinner…with just adults and no tomfoolery.  Then, later this evening, I’ll get the chance to tend to these feelings and this body again.  I’m looking forward to the couch, the cats, and some tea.

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7 thoughts on “Feeling

  1. oh patty i am so sorry. feelings can be tough to deal with especially those that come up from flashbacks. i’ve been there. I hope you had an enjoyable tme out with your wife. and enjoyed the cats later on. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like you wish to dodge all the tasky stuff and the obligations and I understand. It’s hard to put your feelings on hold to deal with later and my never goes to plan or when it might be convenient. Life is never convenient and I’m sorry you had to battle through that rough day.

    Liked by 1 person

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