If we were hanging out today

I would ask how you are doing.  I’d want to know if you’re having a rough time.  I’d want to know if you needed anything from me.  I’d want to know what was bringing you joy these days.  I’d want To know if you had any travel plans or if you’ve eaten new food or seen movies. I’d want to know what you’ve been creating lately. I’d want to hear anything you wanted to tell me.

I’d tell you about all of the work I’ve done lately with Maya Angelou’s poem, And Still I Rise.  My therapist introduced that poem into our work a few weeks ago, and we’ve gotten lots of milage out of it.  Maya’s words bring me great strength lately.

I’d tell you about how glad I am that my therapist does such a good job of containing our work.  I’d tell you how good it feels to be able to soothe myself and to bring all of my meditation and yoga skills into that soothing.  I’d tell you how much stronger I am lately….mentally and physically.  I’d tell you how glad I am that my therapist encouraged me to find strength and soothing from things like massage, acupuncture, and Reiki.  I’d tell you that I know that my therapist is doing a great job of not engaging with me and getting in a power struggle when I flash to anger.  I’m thinking it might behoove me to learn to use my brain  to think about what is happening before I allow myself to react with anger to what she says or suggests.  I’ve been really appreciating her ability to redirect the conversation.

I’d tell you that I hung out with Mary, my priest today.  She meets me where I am and sometimes she’s my friend, my mother, or my priest.  Today she was definitely my friend. We talked about kids and clothes and haircuts.  It was fun and insightful.  She gave me a book to read with reflections by all sorts of people like Maya Angelou, Marianne Williamson, Joyce Rupp, Pope Francis, and Oscar Romeo.  

I’d also tell you that I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t fit in anywhere these days.  I’m way older than a couple of friends, way younger than another friend.  I’m into fitness, but not as fervently as people who have a trainer, run, or do Cross fit.  I’m into art, but I’m not so good. I’m old enough to be a grandma, but I have little kids.  I’m a lesbian, but I actually hang out with no lesbian people…well, besides my wife.  I’m into bettering myself, but I’m pretty damned healthy these days.  My friends who started this kind of journey around the same time I did are in much different places.  I’m interested in spirituality, but not Church so much. I feel kind of out of whack with most people.  I really wish I lived near a bunch of my WordPress friends.  How does one go about finding friends when one is 50 years old?  

I’d also tell you that I’m kind of out of whack with my wife.  I guess that happens when a person goes from weighing a hundred lbs more than her wife to weighing 100 lbs less than her wife.  Yes, people, I have lost 200 lbs.  My wife can’t be as active as I am.  When I try to arrange any kind of physical activity for our family, taking into consideration her limitations, she still declines to join me and our sons.   Also, I have so much energy, that all of the housework falls to me these days.  She used to clean up after I cooked and I cook every single night, but now she doesn’t.  I go out two nights a week to the gym when the boys go to bed, and one night I didn’t get to clean the kitchen before I left.  I came home to all of the leftover food still out.  We are not rich, and I cried when I got home 3 hours later to see a whole other meal just left out to go bad.  I get that it’s hard for her to stand at the sink doing dishes.  Her knees and back hurt.  I’d not mind doing the dishes so much if she would interact with the kids while I clean up, but she doesn’t do that either.  She goes from the dining room to the living room to watch television.  The whole thing makes me so sad.  

So, anyway.  That’s what I would tell you about today.

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3 thoughts on “If we were hanging out today

  1. I hear you about the difficulty of making new friends in your 50’s, especially when you feel as if you’re at a very different place in your life from everyone around you. Feeling out of step with a partner, that you’re growing in ways they are not, is especially difficult and it’s hard to find a way to deal with it constructively and not lash out in frustration and anger. No answers from me – I haven’t managed to deal with these situations well in my own life – but just wanting you to know that you’re not alone in this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ve accomplished so much, Patty. Your therapy relationship has served you well, but you are the one that has done the incredibly difficult physical and emotional work to end up where you are.
    It’s probably kind of scary to your wife to see all the changes, even if she is happy for you. In a way, you’ve disrupted all the old patterns, and she must feel, at some level, where does she fit into the life of this new Patty? Do you two have deep conversations about this? The way she declines invitations and has abdicated the dishes suggest there’s something going on emotionally. I bet your therapist can help you think about ways to approach this.
    Making friends in middle age is not as easy as in youth. Still, I’ve had some luck, mostly through reaching out to a neighbor who seemed interesting and through a book group I’m in. It takes a long time to build much trust and closeness though, because people are so busy. I also built friendships at work, but since I quit, they haven’t held up as well as I thought. Or rather, two of those friendships seem to be holding up, but some of the others that I thought would endure have faded away.

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