If I Met You For A Cup of Coffee,

This is what I’d tell you.

I’d tell you that I’ve been having a hard time writing, feeling my feelings, and being creative.  I think the problem might be the increase in my antidepressants.  I think they are making me numb.  I’m not sad, I’m not happy…most of the time.

I’d tell you that I discovered this kind of cookie called Biscoff.  They are so good.  I’m going to learn how to make them.

I’d tell you that I’m having some anniversary issues.  It was a year ago that my oldest son acted out sexually inappropriately with his brothers.  Then a week or two later I lost (they did not die) two of my closest friends.  It was three years ago that my ex therapist became extremely emotionally abusive and terminated me put of the blue.  I absolutely HATE those two extra friends and my ex therapist.  I can’t stop thinking about what these three people did to me.  I have been beating up the Wavemaster on a regular basis.  I wish I knew how to let these three people go. And, regarding my son, I’ve been extremely jumpy and antsy about where he is in the house and where his brothers are.  I love my son and I want to protect him and I don’t trust him at all.

My two friends whom I lost last year were like my sisters.  They spent lots of time in my house.  They took care of my kids with me.  We were together all the time.  Yesterday, I realized that they had me convinced I could not care for my kids without their help. My kids are very difficult children, but you know what?  I’ve taken better care of them in the past year without those 2 friends than ever before.  I don’t need assistance parenting.  Fuck those people.  

Also, if my ex therapist had not terminated me, I would never have found my present therapist.  My ex therapust told me that I would probably never heal.  My present therapist called me a warrior in the first month I saw her.  She also tells me that I am whole and I have all I need inside me to heal.  

I’d tell you that I’m addicted to Law and Order SVU.  I wish I’d known an Olivia when I was a kid.  Now, I’m learning to be my own Olivia.

I’d also tell you that I’m now smaller than I was in 7th grade.  I’m thrilled with how I look and what my body can do.  I’d tell you that my hair is now quite short and I now look like what I’ve imagined in my mind for years.  Short haired, athletic looking, feminine lesbian.  I love it.  

What would you tell me if we were drinking coffee together today?

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3 thoughts on “If I Met You For A Cup of Coffee,

  1. I’d tell you that I just got home and am very jet-lagged. I’d tell you that when we went to the dog sitter’s house to pick up our two dogs after our trip, they exploded with joy when they saw us. They ran back and forth between us and leaped up on us and squealed. They were so happy that the other five dogs there also erupted in joy and ran around and one of them who barely knows me, Yuki, kept licking my ears. It reminded me, yet again, of why I adore dogs. I’d tell you that my depression is much lighter than it was in January, but I’m still afraid that I won’t be stable and don’t have a direction. I’d tell you how much I admire you for all you’ve accomplished in your life. I’d wish for you that in the coming year you find a way to let go of those people (therapist and ex-friends) who because of some pain, confusion or limitation in their own lives, were not able to be what you needed and deserved. Let them float away so there is plenty of room for something more authentically loving. xxoo

    Thanks for the tea (not a coffee drinker).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oooo, Q. How was your trip? What was the time change? That sounds like a great greeting from all dogs. They are wonderful creatures. I live the idea of just letting those people float away. I think that deserves some meditation time.
      You are quite welcome for the tea. I can’t imagine not drinking coffee, although I never did until my sons came to live witheach 5 years ago. I also love tea. There’s a great tea bar here in my city where the tea master is from Tibet. He makes the best chai I’ve ever had. I could meet you there.

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  2. I would tell you that without ever laying eyes on you and having the pleasure to meet you in person, I can clearly see the survivor and the warrior in you. You may not see it yourself at times but you are an inspiration to many and you do have everything inside of you that you need to heal yourself. You will rise above it all and you will shed (those fake friends) all that doesn’t make you feel whole and appreciated, loved and cared for for the wonderful person you are.
    I would tell you that I have seen my own battles and continue to do so and that I’m grateful to have people like you in my path that is not always an easy one. And with that I finish and tell you that you hold a very special place within my heart. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

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