Sometimes….

My reactions to things astound me.  I had a pretty good session.  I think I’ve started recognizing my warriorness again.  Last week, I’d been talking to my therapust about some stuff that happened to me as a teenager.  As I talked, it occurred to me that I now weigh less than when this stuff happened and I expressed to my therapist that this actually made me feel very vulnerable all of a sudden.  This was towards the end of last week’s session, so my therapust gave me an assignment to compare 15 year old me to the now 50 year old me.  I did this assignment and included some pictures.  I came up with at least 30 ways that I am different from 15 year old me.  I found out that  I’m lots stronger and more capable now than I was when I was 15.  And I recognized my warriorness again.   So, on Tuesday, my therapust and I talked about this and then talked about the flashbacks I’ve been having lately.  And then my therapist told me that she is going away for the whole week the week after next.  My head swirled and my eyes filled with tears.  I tried to tell myself that I could live for a week, but some part of me was screaming that she just came back from vacation a couple of weeks ago.  And then I realized that the week my therapust will be back from being away is my kids’ winter break and I’ve not been successful with finding a babysitter for any part of that week.  So, no therapy that week.  I protested, stating that it will be two weeks because of that and my therapust stated that she just won’t be here.  Which I get. My protests aren’t going to change anything.  I don’t get a say in this.  I am just starting to see some specks of light after a big depression and those specks are still disappearing at times.  I just saw my warriorness again.  I don’t want all of that to disappear.  My therapist and my wife reminded me that I didn’t fall apart for the two weeks my therapist was away just a few weeks ago.  I know I didn’t…I was actually grateful to have less times that I was expected to be awake and functioning.  But, now, I feel in a fragile place with this trafficking word.  And I’m afraid that I could get too deep in it and then be left alone with it for two weeks.  I left the session in tears.  I know I’ll be okay…as okay as I can be.  But, I’m not ready for another therapy break and I have no control in this.  I feel vulnerable.  Nothing I do will change my therapist’s plans.  I know that.  But, I have to look at this reaction.  I have to deal with where it comes from.  I’m so afraid of people leaving me.  I’m afraid they won’t come back.  My therapust will be back unless something beyond her control happens.  There’s my problem.  People may have the best intentions, but not every circumstance is controllable.  Some people have heinous intentions, and those circumstances were beyond my control when I was growing up.  I don’t like this out of control feeling.  

I need to set up some ways I’m going to cope with those two weeks of no therapy.  I have three sessions to look at this stuff and come up with a plan for myself.  

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3 thoughts on “Sometimes….

  1. It’s okay to be upset she will be gone, even if it doesn’t change anything. You are still entitled to those feelings! I hope part of your plan is also tending to those sad feelings and consoling yourself in gentle, loving ways.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am glad you are recognizing the warrior within in you again Patty. She still has a few battles left to fight, but she is always with you, if you feel her or not. You are strong and beautiful xoxoxoxo

    Like

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