I’m Definitely Depressed

I feel like I’m swimming through gelatinous mud all of the time.  Things feel so hard.  My brain feels all mucked up.  Like I just can’t concentrate on anything.  And, I’m finding myself choosing sleeping over eating.  Ugh.

I had therapy today and my therapist said that I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness.  I had emailed her over the weekend and told her I was having lots of flashbacks of situations that woukd apply to that trafficking word.  When I arrived at therapy, she asked me if I was still having a hard time.  I said yes and she asked me if I should maybe talk about those flashbacks, and I said I probably should, but I didn’t want to.  Then my therapist said the I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness.  She said that it seemed like all of a sudden I don’t trust myself.  I’ve been thinking about that.  I think I’ve been doing lots of judging of myself and my process, and that’s leading me to falter and not know if it’s okay to go to where this process is leading me.  I’m still in the grieving mode, but I have not let myself say that in a very long time.  There’s still kid stuff to talk about, but sometimes that seems to me that it might be ridiculous that I’m 50 years old and still talking about what hapoened to me 25 and 30 and 40 years ago.  When does it end?  When do those years stop playing a major role in my life?  My therapist says that I can talk about everything as much as I want and she will listen, but I start feeling stupid sometimes.  She says she’ll tell me if she ever thinks I’m wallowing, but so far, she sees no sign of that.  So, I think my judgement of myself is not helping.  My therapist always says, “it just is”, and I think I need to take that to heart.  I did tell my therapust today that it is really hard to be a warrior when I’m depressed.  We talked about what I’m doing about my depression.  She suggested I call the psychiatric nurse practitioner who prescribes my medication, so I did.  I told the NP about my surgery and my fibromyalgia flare and depression.  She said that depression is often triggered by fibro flares and increased my Cymbalta dosage.  Hopefully, that will help.  And my therapist gave me an assignment to create a collage about how I’ve been a warrior throughout my life.  I’ll give an update on how that goes when I’m done.

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4 thoughts on “I’m Definitely Depressed

  1. 😔 I don’t like to see you in pain but I realize it’s part of the process. You have overcome so much and even warriors need to be able to lower their guards sometimes and take a break from being so strong all the time.
    Try to be good to yourself and remember all you have achieved. Xoxoxoxo

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  2. Your writing this particular entry is amazing. I am so glad you did and I hope you know your not alone in your struggles to find emotional freedom.
    Part of what you said really stood out for me, The part about trusting yourself and here is an example of how not trusting myself plays out in my life. Because when I was being abused, I mislabeled my feelings and thoughts. So I have to examine what I am experiencing and figure out whats really going on with me. For example, when I notice I am feeling stupid I have to ask if I am feeling ashamed? Just last week I felt so stupid during a particularly intense sexual experience,(which wasn’t harmful to me in anyway) but the “stupid”feeling emerged and it floored me. I took about a week afterwards for me to notice I wasn’t correctly identifying what I was feeling. The feeling was “”shame, not “stupid” at all. All this to say I am 58 and still dealing with the same issues that brought me into counseling in the first place, and there are times when I think it will it never end. These are some of the long term consequences of violation.
    Sexual abuse of children is a horrible crime against humanity. I am living it. Sometimes it shows up everyday and all day long. It has taken a long time for me to accept there is a reason sexual abuse of children is wrong.You would think it would be obvious CSA is wrong but he (the perpetrator) had me convinced it was my idea, it was a good idea and I was wrong to think anything else. His thoughts, not mine, but I didn’t know the difference. CSA hurt me then and it still hurts. I am glad that people like you and me are writing about what happens, it helps me to have a voice and gives me clarity when I write about it and talk about it to others. I agree the healing is hard work.

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    • I am my own worst enemy! I tell myself terrible things about myself, that I would never,ever say at anyone else!! We are all created perfect, yet we are in a constant struggle of self doubt, to be perfect, the best at everything, the perfect hair, clothes, house, job etc. Inner vocabulary, that we ARE enough, to ask for help, never be ashamed of being uncomfortable – we are all uncomfortable, embarrassed, but everyone feels like that. You are not alone, ask & I will hold your hand, be kind to one another, but also be kind to yourself. Walking half an hour a day( or as often as my body lets me!), Yoga, Stretching, Relaxation techniques, coping techniques, has made a huge difference for me. One day at a time. Bell Let’s Talk is creating public awareness, it’s all good.

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