I feel like I’m swimming through gelatinous mud all of the time. Things feel so hard. My brain feels all mucked up. Like I just can’t concentrate on anything. And, I’m finding myself choosing sleeping over eating. Ugh.
I had therapy today and my therapist said that I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness. I had emailed her over the weekend and told her I was having lots of flashbacks of situations that woukd apply to that trafficking word. When I arrived at therapy, she asked me if I was still having a hard time. I said yes and she asked me if I should maybe talk about those flashbacks, and I said I probably should, but I didn’t want to. Then my therapist said the I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness. She said that it seemed like all of a sudden I don’t trust myself. I’ve been thinking about that. I think I’ve been doing lots of judging of myself and my process, and that’s leading me to falter and not know if it’s okay to go to where this process is leading me. I’m still in the grieving mode, but I have not let myself say that in a very long time. There’s still kid stuff to talk about, but sometimes that seems to me that it might be ridiculous that I’m 50 years old and still talking about what hapoened to me 25 and 30 and 40 years ago. When does it end? When do those years stop playing a major role in my life? My therapist says that I can talk about everything as much as I want and she will listen, but I start feeling stupid sometimes. She says she’ll tell me if she ever thinks I’m wallowing, but so far, she sees no sign of that. So, I think my judgement of myself is not helping. My therapist always says, “it just is”, and I think I need to take that to heart. I did tell my therapust today that it is really hard to be a warrior when I’m depressed. We talked about what I’m doing about my depression. She suggested I call the psychiatric nurse practitioner who prescribes my medication, so I did. I told the NP about my surgery and my fibromyalgia flare and depression. She said that depression is often triggered by fibro flares and increased my Cymbalta dosage. Hopefully, that will help. And my therapist gave me an assignment to create a collage about how I’ve been a warrior throughout my life. I’ll give an update on how that goes when I’m done.