Reflections and Resolutions

I’ve been feeling distinctly unwarriorish lately.  When I reflected on this feeling, and reread journal entries and blog posts, I found that this feeling probably started around the time I had my labiaplasty….and the same time I started a fibromyalgia flare.

I’ve become very interested in chakras and energy healing.  So I looked up what chakra could be affected by my labiaplasty.  The genitals are included in the Sacral chakra.  So, when there is a problem in the sacral chakra, it impacts your ability to stay on an even keel emotionally.  A blocked sacral chakra can lead to depression, insecurity, fear, panic attacks, poor boundaries, and being overly sensitive.  I know I’ve been depressed lately, because I sleep every moment I get too.  As long as the kids are being supervised by someone else, and my wife had been off from work for nearly a month, I’ve been sleeping every possible moment, curled up in a corner of the couch, with my cats and my electric blanket.  I’ve not been reading, I’ve not been writing, I’ve not been listening to music.  I’ve not been talking with friends or my wife and I’ve not bern doing much with my kids.  The kids thing is not normal for me….I’m usually on with them, no matter what.  I am games, do art, cook, go out with the kids constantly….except for the last few weeks.

I also have issues with my throat chakra.  I have for a long time.  Every time my massage therapist, Ginny, touches my neck, it brings up huge emotions.  I cry and things hurt.  I think that my throat chakra issues make it difficult to say what is going on with me.  I think this might be why I have a hard time even understanding what is going on with me sometimes because I’m unable to always communicate even with myself.

I also did a Google search to find out what chakra might be having problems if I’m not feeling like a warrior.  That would be my solar plexus chakra.  The solar plexus chakra being blocked can cause one to watch life as it passes by, in a passive manner.  That’s what this sleeping all the time feels like….my life is just passing me by, and I’m not taking much of a role in it.

The website I found about chakras has lots of reflection questions and meditation suggestions for working with blocked and overactive chakras, so I will be working on those.

My therapist was on vacation for a couple of weeks…my first session in a couple of weeks with her was yesterday.  The break was kind of nice..I dreaded it, but it turned out that it was helpful for me to just be able to get through the days and not be looking at anything too intensely.  It also gave me time to reflect a lot on what was going on with my depression.  So yesterday, in my session, I started talking about how this depression seemed to start with my labiaplasty.  My therapist asked why that was, and I told her I think it’s because that part of my body was so abused and felt bad, and I’ve self-injured that part of myself in the past and it seems to me that perhaps my body or some child part of me is angry and sad that I let other people hurt that part of my body again.  Some parts of me also think that my private areas are bad and I wish I didn’t have them.  I think that not having those parts would have helped to prevent me from being so savagely hurt as a child.  My therapist asked me what I imagined having instead of those parts,,,maybe a boy’s parts?  Nope, I just don’t want to have any parts. My therapist questioned me again…so like you’d just be asexual.  Nope.  I’d still be a girl….just without parts.  Like a Barbie doll, she asked?  Yup.  Like a Barbie…feminine with no parts.  My therapist then asked me if I didn’t think that all of the abusers would have found other ways to hurt me.  I’m not sure about  that.  Did they all really want to hurt me or were they attracted to little girl parts?  I don’t know, my therapist doesn’t know for sure.  Surely, I guess, that some of the abusers would have liked to exert control over me no matter the manner.  But for some of them, the lack of those parts may have been a deal breaker.  It’s something to think about because when I get into the child’s mind, those parts are bad.  But as an adult with a loving wife, those parts are good and an important part of our relationship.  Ugh.  It’s so confusing.  Is there a way to totally integrate the child parts with the adult me?  I really wonder about that.  Or do I just have to learn to continuously over ride the child parts speaking in my mind?  Part of my problem with these parts right now may be that the adult me really likes how my fixed up parts look and feel.  The adult me is really happy with those parts and pays more attention to them these days than in the past, so maybe the child parts of me are having a really hard time with that.  (That is probably too much information and I’m really sorry if this is bothering ).  And then I go in circles again back to without those parts that other people liked to look at and feel, maybe the abuse would not have happened….Ugh.  My mind and my parts are playing real games with my heart and mind.

Last night, I had my 2nd nearly buck naked full body massage with Ginny.  She used more pressure than the last time and I have to say it was more grounding for me than the lighter touch from the last time.  I had no moments of teariness…it would be okay if I had, but somehow it feels good that there were none…and I can still feel the tension release today.  Also, this is kind of funny, because there was actually no sexual feelings at all involved, but I keep remembering how she touched my arms or my legs or put her thumbs on every vertebrae or the very tender look Ginny gave me when I opened my eyes as she moved from my head to my arms.  I felt very nurtured last night, and those feelings come back as I remember those things.  Sure, my wife touches me all of the time, butBefothere is always the chance that those nurturing touches from her may lead to different kinds of touches, which is fine and wonderful, but with Ginny…I knew that wouldn’t be and the thoughts and memories put me in a very different head space.

I tried floating in a float tank last week…it’s supposed to be good for fibromyalgia and stress.  I’m not sure about that.  I think I fell asleep and I was so confused when I woke up that any stress relief was way out the window.  I may have to try it again before I give it a final verdict.

Before my therapist went on vacation, we were still working with the cat memory and specifically the cat dying because I said nope, I wasn’t going to do what the abusers wanted me to do.  That the cat was murdered because of me (and I get, maybe, possibly that it was not my fault…it was their fault, maybe…it was their fault, but somehow it was my fault too), my therapist said it was time for me to figure out how I was going to deal with the cat’s death.  My therapist actually said that figuring this out is my work right now.  I like that my work is that piece.  I like that I do not have to figure out anything else right now, although other things keep coming up.  My therapist suggested volunteering at a shelter for cats and I think that I am going to try that.

I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but I made one this year.  My resolution is to start recognizing my inner Warrior Queen in the way I live my life now and in the way I lived through my childhood and young adulthood. I’m pretty sure I’ll be writing more about that as the year goes on.

I’ve been writing this post for a couple of weeks so that is why it seems to be all over the place.  It really is all over the place.  But, now it’s done.

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Reflections and Resolutions

  1. Even you may not have felt very warrior like, you still are that fighter underneath and even warriors need a break some time and can’t always be strong. I’m right there with you right now and life is all over the place for me as well. And I’m tired…so tired. Physically and mentally I’m trying to recharge my batteries in this gloomy weather.
    One thing for sure was that I was happy to read your post and to see a sign from you. Hugs xoxo

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