Happy New Year

I went to New Year’s Eve Mass at my Church tonight.  The sermon on this night is always a reflection/meditation on the last year.  I laughed because the priest tonight asked how was your eating this past year, but did not mention any other kind of addiction.  I also laughed because my eating has changed so drastically in the past year, thanks to my gastric bypass.  I don’t go to church very often, because my kids don’t do well in church and because all of my spirituality goes beyond out traditional Catholic Mass…although, our Church is NOT a traditional Catholic Church.  It was interesting tonight to run into some people I probably haven’t seen in a year, who did not recognize me at all.  It’s really weird to realize that my outward appearance has changed so drastically.  I got dressed for Church this evening in a new shirt and pants that I bought yesterday, and realized that for the first time since probably 7th grade, I have boobs and a butt…two of the reasons I think I got fat on the first place.  You can definitely see my womanly curves now.  That’s a little disconcerting for me.  It was nice to see my favorite priest, Mary.  I love her so much and she has been so supportive of me for probably half my life.  She married my wife and me, twice….once in our church, once legally.  Mary, my priest, once helped me organize a healing ceremony for me where different friends of mine blessed all my body parts and everybody prayed over me.  That was a turning point for me and my healing…helping me to see all of the support I had.

I really loved Christmas this year.  I made cinnamon ornaments,with my boys, made two different kinds of Christmas cookies, and discovered the Pentatonix Holiday Pandora Station.  This is my favorite Seasonal song at the moment.

We had some drama with my wife’s family for Christmas this year. One of her relatives asked if she could bring her large misbehaved dog to our house for Christmas Eve Brunch.  We said no because of our kids and our cats.  And that caused a huge uproar.  My wife actually cancelled brunch, but then all of the drama came to an end and we ended up having a nice brunch.  The kids got lots of presents with fun  activities and games. We’re having lots of fun opening and playing with new things,every day.

In therapy, I’m dealing with the cat incident again.  I was hopeful that I was done with it after finishing the exposure technique that I wrote about before.  The last part of that was making a video of me telling the story of the cat incident.  When I watched that video, I was struck by how I’m an adult telling a story of something that happened more than 30 years ago.  It really is over.  I’m really not a kid anymore.  If only I could convince my heart of that.  My heart still hurts lots over that incident.  So, I’ve continued to have the flashback about that incident since I finished the exposure technique in therapy, but I feel like it’s been made less impacting by my watching the video I made.  Here’s the video.

But, even with watching that video, the idea of the cat dying, the idea that I should have known the cat was going to die, the idea that I am responsible somehow for that cat dying such a violent death…it’s haunting me.  My therapist says that’s my work right now…somehow making peace with the cat dying, somehow making sense out of it.  So I’m trying.  I don’t know if it’s really possible, but I’m doing lots of reflecting.  Sometimes I think it might have been better if I had died…but, I’m not sure that’s true.  Where would my boys be if I had died?  My therapist also told me the other day that standing up to my parents and saying no to them was a real warrior move, even if I eventually acquiesced to their wishes.  I’ve decided that I need to spend time reflecting on my warriorness even when I was small and young and so terribly hurt.  So, that’s some work for my 2017.  

I had my first ever full body, nearly buck naked massage a couple of weeks ago.  I even laid on the massage table both face down and face up.  My fibromyalgia has really been bothering me and this massage was so soothing emotionally and so relaxing physically.  My massage therapist who gas helped me in the past with touch was so gentle.  I cried once when she was holding my head and massaging my neck…my neck seems to hold lots of my emotions…and she stopped and do just held my shoulders and then helped me to find a,way to go on.  I was so proud of myself and felt such a sense of accomplishment when that massage was done.  I was thrilled with myself.  My primary care physician actually wrote me a prescription for a massage a month.  I’m looking forward to the next one in a couple of weeks.  

I have more 2017 work to do in letting go of some people in my life.  It feels horrible to think about, but I’m not who I used to be and I’m not willing to be walked over anymore.  

So, to all my blogging friends, I’m sorry for my absence as of late, I’ve missed you.  I wish everybody a very happy and fulfilling New Year.  💙💚💛💜

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4 thoughts on “Happy New Year

  1. At first I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to listen to the cat story, but I did. I am completely appalled by the barbarity of it. It is shocking and horrifying to imagine that parents are capable to something like that. I am so sorry you had to grow up in such a cruel and terrible environment. You are both strong and loving–what an impressive feat to grow into the woman you are after everything you went through.

    I’m glad the exposure therapy is helping. I think it helps me to tell me story multiple times. It doesn’t become meaningless, but the horror and shame of it diminish.

    You know, from an outsider’s perspective, there is no way the blame for the poor kitty’s death would ever rest with you, not even 1/100th of 1 percent. I mean that. I hope you’ll come to see it that way, too. You deserve to be free of this nightmare.

    Like

  2. Hi Patty, I have said it many times before and still I feel so much hurt for all the pain you had to endure and still suffer through. Hearing the story of the cat through your own voice sent shivers through my spine and I wished nothing more that somehow I could make is all go away to have never happened for you. But I can’t and can only be here for you within my heart and spirit to support the strong beautiful woman you have become.
    You are amazing and strong and you inspire us with your courage to keep going while overcoming extreme odds.
    Huge hugs and kisses. Xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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