I’m in the midst of a fibromyalgia flare. I didn’t recognize it as a flare. I went to the doctor yesterday and told her that my medication was not helping anymore. My doctor asked me what’s been going on in my life and if I’m more stressed than usual. I told her that the boys were doing fairly well, that therapy was a little rocky, but that had not been for as long as I’ve been aching and tired. Things are okay with me and my wife. I said I’m stressed but no more than usual. I didn’t want to get into my self-judgment with her, although she knows my history well. She flipped through my chart, and said, what, you had surgery in November. I told her, yup, and explained my labiaplasty to her. My doctor looked at me with her eyebrows raised and said, so when did this flare start? I thought about it and said, well, probably right around that labiaplasty. The doctor asked me how that went, and I said that it wasn’t too bad, considering the part of body. The doctor said, so you didn’t feel the pain of the surgery so your body is feeling it. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. She asked me if I’ve been depressed at all. I said, I’m, yeah, definitely. The doctor increased my Cymbalta as its good for fibromyalgia and depression, wrote me a script for massage, and a letter for a fibro program at the local float tank place. Thinking about it, I guess that there are some good reasons for a fibro flare, but, damn, I hate this. I feel foggy and unable to think straight. I usually advocate this feeling with dissociation, but I guess it could also be fibro fog. There’s something to think about….
Today, I had my annual PAP smear. it went way better than last year’s. But, I’ve been bleeding at least a few days every week since my bariatric surgery. so, this doctor did an endometrial biopsy. Fucking ouch. I cannot believe how deep inside me that pain felt. it was a visceral pain. I still have cramps from that procedure, more than 12 hours later. Ugh. I think I’m having some emotional ramifications from that procedure as I find myself with a short fuse and I’m pretty much hating my body that seems to do just whatever it wants to do. I know I live in my body, and that it shoukd be a temple for my soul, but it hurts me, it was hurt, they hurt it, and my body remembers and won’t quit.
Speaking of not bring happy with my body, I’ve been over-exercising. I think that sounds ridiculous as I write it, because you know, I used to be the hugely fat person who lived to eat and could barely walk to complete the grocery shopping. Now, I have to beat this body into submission. My goal is 35 active minutes a day, I’ve been getting 150. And I just can’t stop. I need to not gain the weight back, nobody likes me, and I can punish my body, my body endured all those horrid things and didn’t die….in fact, it often reacted with pleasure. I get scared that I’m physically vulnerable now because my body is so much smaller. I did some terrible things with my body. I don’t like me, and I think I’m my own worst enemy. I cannot stop. physically and mentally, I just cannot stop and sit still. I move, move, move. I’m pretty sure I’m trying to run away from myself. I know that won’t work, but I seem to have great hope that it will happen. I’m also pretty sure I have my body totally stressed with this over-exercising, and that is playing a big part in my fibro flare, but I just keep hearing this voice telling me that if I stop, I’ll be a failure.