Fibro flare, pap smear, and over exercising.

I’m in the midst of a fibromyalgia flare.  I didn’t recognize it as a flare.  I went to the doctor yesterday and told her that my medication was not helping anymore.  My doctor asked me what’s been going on in my life and if I’m more stressed than usual.  I told her that the boys were doing fairly well, that therapy was a little rocky, but that had not been for as long as I’ve been aching and tired.  Things are okay with me and my wife.  I said I’m stressed but no more than usual.  I didn’t want to get into my self-judgment with her, although she knows my history well.  She flipped through my chart, and said, what, you had surgery in November.  I told her, yup, and explained my labiaplasty to her.  My doctor looked at me with her eyebrows raised and said, so when did this flare start?  I thought about it and said, well, probably right around that labiaplasty.  The doctor asked me how that went, and I said that it wasn’t too bad, considering the part of body.  The doctor said, so you didn’t feel the pain of the surgery so your body is feeling it.  Oh, yeah, that makes sense.  She asked me if I’ve been depressed at all.  I said, I’m, yeah, definitely.  The doctor increased my Cymbalta as its good for fibromyalgia and depression, wrote me a script for massage, and a letter for a fibro program at the local float tank place.  Thinking about it, I guess that there are some good reasons for a fibro flare, but, damn, I hate this.  I feel foggy and unable to think straight.  I usually advocate this feeling with dissociation, but I guess it could also be fibro fog.   There’s something to think about….
Today, I had my annual PAP smear.  it went way better than last year’s.  But, I’ve been bleeding at least a few days every week since my bariatric surgery.  so, this doctor did an endometrial biopsy.  Fucking ouch.  I cannot believe how deep inside me that pain felt.  it was a visceral pain.  I still have cramps from that procedure, more than 12 hours later.  Ugh.  I think I’m having some emotional ramifications from that procedure as I find myself with a short fuse and I’m pretty much hating my body that seems to do just whatever it wants to do.  I know I live in my body, and that it shoukd be a temple for my soul, but it hurts me, it was hurt, they hurt it, and my body remembers and won’t quit.  

Speaking of not bring happy with my body, I’ve been over-exercising.  I think that sounds ridiculous as I write it, because you know, I used to be the hugely fat person who lived to eat and could barely walk to complete the grocery shopping.  Now, I have to beat this body into submission. My goal is 35 active minutes a day, I’ve been getting 150.  And I just can’t stop.  I need to not gain the weight back, nobody likes me, and I can punish my body, my body endured all those horrid things and didn’t die….in fact, it often reacted with pleasure.  I get scared that I’m physically vulnerable now because my body is so much smaller.  I did some terrible things with my body.  I don’t like me, and I think I’m my own worst enemy.  I cannot stop.  physically and mentally, I just cannot stop and sit still.  I move, move, move.  I’m pretty sure I’m trying to run away from myself.  I know that won’t work, but I seem to have great hope that it will happen.  I’m also pretty sure I have my body totally stressed with this over-exercising, and that is playing a big part in my fibro flare, but I just keep hearing this voice telling me that if I stop, I’ll be a failure.  


6 thoughts on “Fibro flare, pap smear, and over exercising.

  1. If you stop you will be respecting your body. Just tell it that. There is such a fine line in over working out with fibro and underworking out but i would never think, based now what i did with my own body, that pushing too hard was a good thing. My body always paid a price and it wasn’t worth it.
    That biopsy you had. That i have had and it hurts like a bitch. I had no idea. No one warned me. I felt quite violated after and am still pissed about it years later. It was too invasive without enough warning or understanding or feelings of control and i bled for days. Im so sorry you went through that.


  2. That all sounds so uncomfortable and frustrating. Listen to your body as you find the line with exercise. You are not a failure, it sounds like you are in the middle of a really nasty flare-up. Take good care of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Patty’s Body,

    You are an awesome body and incredibly brave. You endured what no one should have to endure. It must have been awful, but you made it through. You dealt with the extra weight that was her protection for a while, and you managed to carry that as well. You went through surgeries in order to give Patty a healthier, more comfortable life. I see that you work hard to serve her.

    I guess you are the perfect body for Patty, because she is also a brave survivor who has made it through a lot. She doesn’t always see it that way, because of everything she has experienced. But I have faith that at some point you and she can have a loving partnership. She’s pushing you kind of hard right now, out of fear and pain and vulnerability. I know you can take a lot–you always have–but I hope she will remember to give you some rest and gentleness too. You deserve that. Patty deserves that. I admire both of you so much. I’m sad and sorry about all the pain you have experienced. xxoo, Q

    Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad you liked the letter. Maybe you want to write your own letter to your body? Even if the letter says, “I’m not always able to appreciate you, but I’m working on it…” I don’t know if the letters to parts of yourself are helpful to you, but I usually find them meaningful. And I’m sure you know far better than I do what messages your body needs. Hugs to you.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Patty, I know you posted this awhile by now and I’m sorry I’m just now reading this. I hope you are feeling so much better by now and you have come to a concert promise with your body. Both of you brave and one cannot be without the other. Try to be considerate as you both have been through so much. I know all is so much easier said then done, but what is there to lose from believing that all will be ok. They say that you command great things into your life with positive thoughts. Maybe something to consider and try. Wishing you the best my strong warrior queen. You know you hot this. Big big hug.

    Liked by 1 person

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