This is a message I just sent to my priest:
I’m trying to reconcile me and the idea that I’m good. Maybe evil in the world rubbed off on me and I’m not good. Maybe I’m just pretending to be good and compassionate and caring. I’m seeing that lots of my actions are about caring about me and protecting me from being hurt. Maybe anger about stuff makes me bad. Maybe anger is really scary and makes me do things that hurts other people. I saw a thing on pinterest the other day that said : make a conscious decision to put love behind everything you do and say. It really spoke to me and made me Want to do that, but then when I try to, I just freeze because I’m not sure how to do that. I’m not sure how to put love behind all of the conflict in my life. And sometimes I feel like if I put love behind my interactions with other people then I felt left out in the cold. And I think I approach everything from a scarcity point of view and then it makes me not be able to be loving. How come the older I get, the more of a mess I realize I am? You probably can’t even reply to this because it’s so all over the place. I just am really not liking myself right now. I need to learn how to be a better person.
I’m not feeling good about me. I know that nobody else can truly make me feel good about myself, but I’m not able to see any good in me right now. Everytime I come up with something good about me, I’m able to counter it with darkness.