Thoughts

This is a message I just sent to my priest:

 I’m trying to reconcile me and the idea that I’m good.  Maybe evil in the world rubbed off on me and I’m not good.  Maybe I’m just pretending to be good and compassionate and caring.  I’m seeing that lots of my actions are about caring  about me and protecting me from being hurt.  Maybe anger about stuff makes me bad.  Maybe anger is really scary and makes me do things that hurts other people.  I saw a thing on pinterest the other day that said :  make a conscious decision to put love behind everything you do and say.  It really spoke to me and made me Want  to do that, but then when I try to, I just freeze because I’m not sure how to do that.  I’m not sure how to put love behind all of the conflict in my life.  And sometimes I feel like if I put love behind my interactions with other people then I felt left out in the cold.  And I think I approach everything from a scarcity point of view and then it makes me not be able to be loving.  How come the older I get, the more of a mess I realize I am?  You probably can’t even reply to this because it’s so all over the place.  I just am really not liking myself right now.  I need to learn how to be a better person.  

I’m not feeling good about me.  I know that nobody else can truly make me feel good about myself, but I’m not able to see any good in me right now.  Everytime I come up with something good about me, I’m able to counter it with darkness.  

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. Yes, I agree with the above comment. You are a survivor. I am in a place where right now where I am having to focus on my own healing. This doesn’t mean Im selfish or self centered. It’s just where God wants me to be. Because I have had to stop “doing” I have had more space to hear from God. And do you know what He wants me to learn? That he loves me completely where I am. I suspect He wants you to learn the same thing.

    Like

  2. Dear Patti: I am looking at this sentence:
    “Everytime I come up with something good about me, I’m able to counter it with darkness.”
    I have a question.
    Whose voice do you hear “counter(ing) it with darkness”?
    I am just wondering if you are repeating what was done to you when you were little.
    You were good. You are good. Bad things do happen sometimes, but not to punish you for having good things.
    I am trying to learn this myself. It is really difficult.
    Neither you nor I will be punished for being friends.
    HTH. TS

    Like

  3. What you just wrote left me in tears because I’ve lived it too. I wish I could give you a huge hug and squeeze all of the pain right out of you. I don’t know how open you are about things like the afterlife, but reading the book, The Afterlife of Billy Fingers (a true story), helped move me in the direction of self-love by shifting my perspective of life. It’s a short read, and I highly recommend it.

    When your life has steeped you in messages of not enough, and judgments that you are bad (and this goes for me and everyone else who suffered from any form of child abuse), these are beliefs that you still carry deep in your subconscious, playing out every day in every way. I have seen how they act out and act up inside of me, and thankfully, have been able to heal a lot of them. What I know, is we start out as beautiful, sparkly, perfect beings, and through life, circumstances, and more, pick up a ton of judgment and absolute shit.

    Any time a thought crosses your mind that is not loving and supportive of yourself, I 100% guarantee that it is unconscious programming: either a judgment someone put onto you, or a belief someone close to you (?mom or dad?) felt about themselves and you picked it up and applied it to yourself. As for the question of, “are you good?”, no one but you can decide that one. I choose to believe that everyone is doing the best they can in any given moment in time. Even when people do “bad” things, in their mind, it’s the right thing to do in the moment. Good and bad are relative terms that really do us all a disservice.

    If your priest doesn’t reply with 100% supportive and non-judgmental advice, he’s not a great priest. In my personal experience of God (I’m not talking about reading about God in a book, but actually touching and feeling God), the feeling was of complete support, understanding, and unconditional compassion and love. God holds absolutely NO judgment of what we, as humans, do as good or bad, right or wrong. None. God doesn’t put any conditions on his love for us. None. God is pure love (as are we, at our core).

    Like

    • Here is the reply from my priest, whom I love deeply (and she it’s a woman): Hi Patty, these are deep reflections. I think it’s good to think about why we do things. Just remember that you God created you and loves regardless of how many “improvements” you make. And I do, too!

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been spending lots of time thinking that the actions of my abusers rubbed off on me, and that maybe I just don’t understand what loving responses are. I feel so not capable of being loving and compassionate right now. I’ve worked so hard throughout my life to be good and I think I have not gotten it as I just can’t do or say the loving and compassionate stuff that I expect out of myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Has anyone explained to you how our beliefs about ourself are created? I only ask, because as I’ve seen how several of mine were created (using the tool of hypnosis), it’s been amazing to uncover and heal them. Very specifically, a situation kept coming up between me and my son, and every time, I’d get really frustrated and then ticked off. I would be triggered. In hypnosis, I looked at the feelings that came up when I was triggered, and could see beneath my conscious thoughts. I could see that my thoughts were, “what’s wrong with you, kid? Are you defective?” When I looked at those thoughts, I realized I was actually directing them towards myself, thinking that I was defective. As I was guided to go back in time, I could see that my mother was calling me defective, back when I was tiny. A moment later, I realized that mom thought there was something about herself that was defective, and I took on that same belief about myself. I picked up this as true for me, way back when, and it lived, breathed, and acted out through me until I saw this whole scenario and told my young self that there was nothing wrong with her. She was a perfect and beautiful little girl. She understood what had happened, and let go of the old belief instantly. As I’ve discovered these pieces of me and helped them let go of their old no longer true beliefs, it’s created amazing change in my heart.

        Like

  4. I get where you are coming from, as I’ve definitely had times when I’ve believed that being abuse left me twisted, broken, dirty, or in some way different from “normal” people. I don’t believe that anymore. I don’t believe that if someone breaks into your house and robs you, that you are broken or defective because you were victimized. I don’t believe that if someone crashes into your car and breaks your leg, that your character or value as a person is altered.

    I do not believe that children, adolescents, or adults who are abused are made dirty by what they experienced. They can carry troubles with them. They can be traumatized, depressed, discouraged, anxious, bipolar, have multiple personalities… but they are not broken or dirty or less in value. They just aren’t. Abusers have a lot of power over their victims, for a while, but they can’t alter the fundamental goodness that is inherent in us all. I don’t know about you, but I believe that. I used to believe it about others, and I finally concluded that there is no reason for me to be more disgusting than anyone else, so it probably applies to me, too. And to you as well.

    That said, I still have times (such as this week) when my mind says to me, “You are bad, you are evil, you are disgusting…” I know it is not true, but it is painful anyway. I am trying to continually come back to the “not true” part. I try to have my wiser self tell my younger self, “That’s an old message. That’s what you took from those experiences. I want you to know that I don’t believe that message. I reject it. You are not bad/evil/disgusting. It may have served the interests of others to have me believe that, but it isn’t true. And I’m here to love you and tell you that as many times as you need to here it.”

    As far as bringing love to your interactions with others, I’m not surprised it’s difficult when you can’t find a way to love yourself. Don’t use it as a reason to berate yourself still more. You can trust that as you let go of the judgment of yourself, your heart will also soften to others.

    Hugs, Patty. You are struggling right now. That’s normal. It’s so hard to heal. Breathe. You can do this. xxoo

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi my dear warrior queen. While there is so much to be said ad while I do know how to counter back and say something about your words you feel are all over the place right now, I do believe you feeling this way comes from your past. Life and our experiences truly make us who we are, whether we like it or not. Life has left you feeling as if you are not deserving of love and happiness. And life has caused you to be a certain way you may secretly wis to overcome. You have to remember that deep scars take many many years to heal to a point we feel that we have control over them.
    I often feel the same as you, as if I don’t deserve the credit somebody is giving me. As if they truly don’t know me and that behind the kind facade hides a scared child that is willing to defend itself in the most evilest of ways if provoked. You are a good person Patty and you can’t convince me otherwise. I have been around a bit and I feel your kindness and see it all over your face. Xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s