Thinking About Therapy Tomorrow

I’ve been pondering my therapy situation from last Tuesday ever since.  Lots of people have let me know that they think my therapist (MT) was inappropriate in telling me that my reaction to her was not compassionate.  I’ve been trying to make sure I told the whole story.  I’m pretty sure I told the whole story from my point of view, but I’m not sure if I did from MT’s point of view.  And in all fairness, I’m not sure that I am capable of telling it from MT’s point of view.  I’m not the woman who cares intensely about her college-aged children.  I’m not the woman who listens to other people’s problems for hours a day.  I’m not the person who has to be involved, but cannot form dual relationships.  I’m not the one responsible for MT’s boundaries in our relationship, while she is responsible for her own boundaries and at least partially, for mine.  I’m the one who has to do all of the disclosing, sometimes without much discretion, while MT has to be very discretionary about her disclosures.  I wonder where MT stands in all of this.  I wonder if she would be surprised if I did not bring it up in session tomorrow.  I also wonder if she’ll be surprised when I do bring it up in session.  Part of me would like to just drop the whole thing, but the fact is, it’s been on my mind for a week.  The fact is that right now when MT crosses my mind, my first thought is, “what a Fucking bitch”.   I’m pretty obviously still angry about the whole thing last week.  I’m perturbed that MT seems to think it’s easy for me to just change my schedule on a regular basis.  I’m hurt that she would tell me that I was not being compassionate even though she tells me I’m a compassionate person.  I’m indignant that MT thinks I should have understood the gravity of the situation when I know next to nothing about her personally and her family.  That whole boundary and private and non-disclosure thing just does not work both ways.  I resent that she told me that I wasted the whole session.  And I’m freaking furious that she thinks I could have done something that I know I could not have.  It makes me crazy when she seems to think she knows me better than I know myself.  I know what I can and cannot do.  I’m seeing what I need to talk about tomorrow.  I’m challenging myself to talk about it.  and I’m proud of myself for something.  I’m proud that I managed to put this aside over Thanksgiving.  I’m proud that I didn’t create mayhem and emotional chaos for myself over the past week by starting a texting or email war with MT. I’ve done that in the past and it caused me more issues than it helped.  I’m proud that I believe that MT is still there even though I left the last session angry and in tears.  I’ll keep everybody posted regarding what happens in therapy tomorrow.

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One thought on “Thinking About Therapy Tomorrow

  1. Holding you in a place of strength and compassion. Feels like MT had a moment or three last week, forgetting the definition of your two roles. If it would be helpful, you could ask her to spell out both your rolls, because you’ve mentioned a few really excellent points here, like her knowing all about you and your life, and your being kept in the dark about hers (professional distance). And maybe reminding her that when a person lives with trauma that we still carry in our bodies, they need things like “predictable” and “dependable” from those supporting them: ESPECIALLY from a therapist. Remind her that being jerked around with appointments is not “no big deal”. And name-calling (being told you’re not compassionate)? Really? If she really was on top of her game, she might have said something like, “I am feeling XX right now and could really use some XX.” Then you would have had the opportunity to let her know how her actions made you feel. Instead, she verbally stuck you in a corner, giving you no option but to crumble or come out swinging.

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