I feel like I’m falling apart. My private area still hurts from my surgery. In fact, I have to call the doctor tomorrow, because some stitches came out and I think there is a gap where there should not be. All of my kids are having a difficult time acting like gentlemen at home and at school. One of them is suspended from the bus, which means trying to figure out how to get him to and from school for several days. His school starts and ends when I’m waiting for other kids’ busses. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. Cutting myself or being dead sounds pretty attractive right now. I have no plans, nor time to make any, so I think I’m pretty safe. I feel pretty alone right now. Yes, I have a wife but she’s pretty much not present at the moment. I think she’s struggling with my weight loss and my newfound energy. I lost two of my best (so I thought) friends earlier this year. Now, my best friend as an adult has not been very present in your life for a few years and now, she’s pretty sick. I want to be there for her, but I’m pretty bad at it. One reason is that we are just not as connected as we used to be. Another reason is my kids. They keep me crazy busy. If things are not okay at home, I have a really hard time being present for others. I think I pretty much suck as a human being right now. I think I have other friends, but I just tried to call one of them, and she was watching TV and couldn’t talk. I really thought I might be worth more than a TV. At my session with MT (my therapist) today, she said that it sounds like I’m depressed. I think she’s right, but I don’t see a way out. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a deep hole and somebody is trying to bury me alive.
I really don’t know the purpose of this post. I have not written or created anything in weeks. I kind of just wanted everybody to know I’m still here.