I’m Not Doing So Well

I feel like I’m falling apart.  My private area still hurts from my surgery.  In fact, I have to call the doctor tomorrow, because some stitches came out and I think there is a gap where there should not be.  All of my kids are having a difficult time acting like gentlemen at home and at school.  One of them is suspended from the bus, which means trying to figure out how to get him to and from school for several days.  His school starts and ends when I’m waiting for other kids’ busses.  I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.  Cutting myself or being dead sounds pretty attractive right now.  I have no plans, nor time to make any, so I think I’m pretty safe.  I feel pretty alone right now.  Yes, I have a wife but she’s pretty much not present at the moment.  I think she’s struggling with my weight loss and my newfound energy.  I lost two of my best  (so I thought) friends earlier this year.  Now, my best friend as an adult has not been very present in your life for a few years and now, she’s pretty sick.  I want to be there for her, but I’m pretty bad at it.  One reason is that we are just not as connected as we used to be.  Another reason is my kids.  They keep me crazy busy.  If things are not okay at home, I have a really hard time being present for others.  I think I pretty much suck as a human being right now.  I think I have other friends, but I just tried to call one of them, and she was watching TV and couldn’t talk.  I really thought I might be worth more than a TV.  At my session with MT (my therapist) today, she said that it sounds like I’m depressed.  I think she’s right, but I don’t see a way out.  I feel like I’m at the bottom of a deep hole and somebody is trying to bury me alive.  

I really don’t know the purpose of this post.  I have not written or created anything in weeks.  I kind of just wanted everybody to know I’m still here.

 

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16 thoughts on “I’m Not Doing So Well

  1. Hang in there. Do the best you can at taking care of yourself. Let your wife know point blank that you need more help/ support from her right now, as you’re struggling. Get that incision taken care of! Ah yes. Kids. I get it.

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  2. I’m sorry to hear this, Patty. You do sound depressed and like you have a lot on your plate.

    As you know, the depression won’t last forever, even though in the moment it does seem like it. But you know it’s true. And you know it’s a good time to get rid of everything but the essentials and just take the best possible care of yourself.

    It feels hard to do that if you are depressed, I know. Really, I know! I also know you are awesome. You are a warrior woman who is struggling. Maybe your shield feels heavy and your sword less sharp. Maybe your allies aren’t visible right now. Those things are so hard. But your beautiful warrior nature is still there, Patty. It can’t be kept down, not for long. I really believe in you. And I send you genuine love, care and respect while you deal with this hard time.

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  3. Patty you have been on my mind and you are always in my heart. Things are tough for you right now but you are never alone and I would gladly send you my contact information. I’m sorry that some of the people that should be the closest to you have made you feel like other things are more important than you. You know they are not and your worth is priceless….their loss and all that bothers me is that you tied to reach out and nobody was there. You may feel down and depressed but there is no such thing as sucking at life. You are a warrior queen and one of a kind, don’t ever forget that. There are people out there that love you and need you to be strong so you can be around. Your kids and me included, so get up and fight as this shall pass as well. You are in my heart and in my thoughts, please let me know if I can help. Even if it’s just to talk. Big big hug and remember all will be well xoxoxo.

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  4. Sounds really tough Patty. I’m glad you posted and let us know you are here, and how you are. It is important to stay connected, especially when feeling so alone. As hard as that is. Sending support and care your way. Especially for the little Patty who probably feels really scared because of the wounds and wife pulling away, and friends not as available. It is really hard when people go away.

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