Bullet List of What’s Up with Me

  • I’ve been enjoying the Fall weather.  Mostly sunny and some days warm and some days cool. I’ve been for lots of walks in the beautiful parks in the area I live in.  Yesterday, I ran out of time to walk because a meeting for one of my sons lasted 90 minutes longer than I expected.  So I stopped for a cup of coffee on my way home and spent 10 blissful minutes sipping my coffee at a table outside the coffee .
  • I had the stressful experience of shopping for a new swimsuit in the Northern part of the country in the Fall (that equals almost no swimsuits in stores and I have no idea what size I wear at the moment as I’ve lost 170 lbs).  I ended up finding one that actually fit and looked half way decent.  I’d bought a new swimsuit a couple of months ago, but it was just hanging off of me.
  • I’m going across the country to visit a friend next week.  By myself.  For 5 days.  This will be my first time on a plane since losing lots of weight.  I am really looking forward to not having people looking at me and hoping I’m not going to sit next to them.  I’m looking forward to not needing a seat belt extender.
  • The friend I’m visiting was my first therapist ever.  I started seeing V in college and continued into my 30’s.  Then I outgrew her, and went for several years calling her for one appointment a year just because I missed her.  Then when I was in my late 30’s I told her that I did not want to have to make appointments to see her.  She asked if I was saying I wanted to be friends with her.  I said yes, while I shook and my heart nearly beat out of my chest, and she agreed.  It’s awkward sometimes, but for the most part, being friends with  V has been awesome.  When she moved across the country earlier this year, I was devastated.  Then my wife gave me tickets to visit V for my 50th birthday.
  • I’m still having the freaking cat flashbacks.  I need them to stop.  MT (my therapist) went to a trauma training last week and learned a new method  that seems like a combination of exposure therapy and desensitization therapy, that only happens .  The in the presence of the therapist.  We are going to start working on the cat flashback with  that method tomorrow.  I’m kind of nervous but also excited at the prospect of maybe finding a way to deal with the toughest flashbacks.
  • I’m working on paying attention to my feelings and allowing myself to feel them without having to have a reason.  I feel like I search my mind sometimes for why I would feel like I’m feeling.  I talked to MT about that and she said sometimes she also thinks the same thing, that I have a feeling and I pull out my list of things that have happened to me to try to have a reason for what is happening.  I actually imagined this as a tattered leather book with papers between the pages that I keep in my back pocket.  So, this happened the other day.  I could barely get myself out of bed, my body felt heavy and achy (perhaps fibromyalgia, perhaps not) and I just did not want to face the day.  I eventually got out of bed, put on work out clothes, got the boys up and off to school, and then sat in the living room staring at the treadmill.  I thought I might be depressed, but did not search for a reason.  I cried, eventually, for several minutes.  Then I reviewed my life….loving wife, awesome children, house I love, enough food and clothing, vacations planned for the future….so the feeling did not relate to now as far as I could tell.  I said out loud, I don’t know who is feeling like this, but life is pretty good right now, and you can be sad for as long as you want, but I have got to get myself on the treadmill.  I did not spent any time trying to figure out what part this was or what it was about, I just felt it and moved on.  MT said I also did a fantastic job of modeling self-care for the different parts of myself.
  • At meditation the other night, we did a guided visualization of letting go of stuff and one of the things I left on the path was that tattered leather book.  I think that I may keep finding it and picking it up again, so I’m going to have to keep letting go again and again.  Jodi, the shaman who leads my meditation group, always says letting go is a process and a practice, and you have to keep doing it again and again.
  • I’m really excited about hot drinks this fall and winter.  Last November, I had gastric bypass, and after that I could not drink any hot drinks.  They made me feel nauseous and burp incessantly.  I was really sad about that, especially since my new stomach only tolerated icy cold liquids and I was frozen all the time.   Being cold was new too and related to the lack of calories.  I was miserable.  Well, I got chilled the other day, and made a cup of hot tea.  Heaven.  No nausea and no burping.  I’m especially liking gingerbread spice.  Yum.
  • In spite of the flashbacks, I’m feeling stronger than I’d been.  I can feel the presence of the Warrior Queen again.  I’m thinking that I spent several weeks at least slightly dissociated and neither MT nor I realized it.
  • I have to be a warrior queen right now, because on 11/4, I’m having surgery that scares me to death.  I’m having a labiaplasty, not for aesthetics, but for functionality.  Apparently, the outer labia can lose weight, and mine have basically withered away, but the inner labia do not lose weight.  That means that my inner labia stick out and rub on everything and that hurts like hell.  I’m really nervous about hurting in that area of my body because of the surgery.  I don’t want to end up in a bad place because it might feel like old stuff.  I’m talking to my younger parts, reminding them that I have chosen this surgery and why.  But, if you wanted to send any thoughts, prayers, white light, etc. my way, I’d really appreciate it.

2 thoughts on “Bullet List of What’s Up with Me

  1. Hi Patty, I’m glad the warrior queen presence is back in your life. She has never left you and you have overcome so much. You have already achieved many milestones and you have a few left ahead of you.
    I’m excited for you and your adventure next week and wish you a safe trip, progress in any way you hope to find and most of all fun and laughter.
    And for surgery, I know these things are scary. You are in my thoughts and I’m sending the best vibes your way. I know you will be fine my brave warrior queen. You got this. Xoxoxo….much love my friend ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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