Therapy, this week, yesterday

So, my week has been totally whacked.  I drove to another state last Wednesday to pick my mother-in-law up and bring her here for a week.  Wednesday night, still last week, I hung out with my brother, who was in town for a few days, and we talked about the failing health of our parents, the Fucking abusers, and making plans for their future.  Thursday, I grocery shopped, and entertained my mother-in-law.  Friday, I cooked, lots of food, as my oldest child turned 9 this weekend, and we had a large gathering planned, including some of his biological family, and a bounce house.  Saturday was the party.  It was successful and fun and the 9 year old was thrilled.  Sunday, I spent the day at an amusement park with my two older boys.  Monday, I went to the movies with my mother-in-law and cleaned up after our crazy weekend.  Then yesterday, I had therapy.  Needless to say, I did not process the hell out of my last therapy session.  MT ( my therapist) seemed to think my 16 year old self was being defiant.  I think it was a true lack of time and privacy.  We talked about my flashbacks, and I talked about how it felt goid to not be wanting to be dead.  MT  was surprised and asked what I was referring to.  I told her and she asked if that might not be something that I might have wanted to discuss with her.  I said that I was not sure.  She asked me to please tell her if I ever felt like that again.  I asked what she would do.  First, she said she wasn’t going to tell me so I said that I woukd not ever tell her if I was suicidal.  MT replied that she would not call the ambulance, but that we would have a discussion.  Then she stated that the abusers would win if I killed myself. She’s right and I need to remember that. I am a Fucking warrior and those people are not going to win.  Then we spent a little time chatting about the boys, and all of a sudden I was back in that 16 year olds body, seeing the cat dead and thinking I was next.  I really thought they were going to cut the baby out of me right then and there.  Then I was back in MT’s room.  MT asked me what had just happened.  I told her I’d had a flashback and tears just pure down my face.  She told me I should talk to that part of me and ask her to give me a break and that I should tell her it was over now and that I am grown up.    I told MT that saying that stuff felt like shutting that part down and it did not feel right.  I sat looking at the spot where I imagined 1y year old me and I couldn’t do it.  I looked at MT and told her that I couldn’t.  She said, be the warrior. I said. Well, maybe I’m not really a warrior.  MT asked me if I was just giving up.  I looked at that spot some more, and then spoke.  I told that girl that I know she had nobody to talk to for a long time, that even when other parts were talking, she had been shut down because everytime I tried to talk about her and what she went through, I got sick and couldn’t breath.  I told her that she gets to talk now.  I told her that MT’s office was a good place to talk.  I told her that I’m going to listen to her.  I swear, when I looked at MT, she had tears in her eyes.  I certainly did.  MT said, so you are making a commitment to that girl.  A very strong adult voice came out of me as I said yes, I am.  And then my session was over.  It’s been a day since then.  I. Still having flashbacks, but now I’m telling her I’m listening and I’m trying not to judge her or myself.

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3 thoughts on “Therapy, this week, yesterday

  1. Yay! I’m so glad you are listening to her–she really needs that.

    E tells me to listen to my various parts, whoever is pressing for attention any particular week. But she also says to put time and space boundaries on it so I can function. So for example, I could put a quilt on the floor and lie down with paper to draw or my journal and tell my 14-year-old that I am all hers for 45 minutes. I should even set a time, E says. Then when the 45 minutes are up, I can choose to go on, if I want to, but I can also thank the teen and tell her I will be back the next day or in two days or whenever. I can ask her to hold her emotions for me until then. This mostly works, as long as I genuinely do come back and keep attending to her. It’s kind of like saying your 16 yo can talk in MT’s office. I think that helps keep them from taking over our bodies and minds, while still respecting their needs.

    I’m just so happy (I have to say it again) that your wise warrior self is going to help that 16 yo. Seriously, I have tears in my eyes thinking about it. You are just awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am really glad that your boy had a great birthday party. And that you are finding the space and compassion for the younger parts’ needs. It is such hard work to do, so hard. I really respect you doing it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Another milestone Patty and even though it was hard, you did it.
    I said it before that suicide is not optional and MT is right, the more pain you are in and the more you want to give up, it also the more these monsters win over you and think that they have defeated you. This will never ever happen and you know it. You have fought so hard for too long and you are a warrior. You got this my friend, one step and one milestone a time. Sending a great big hug and I’m beyond proud of you

    Liked by 1 person

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