So, my week has been totally whacked. I drove to another state last Wednesday to pick my mother-in-law up and bring her here for a week. Wednesday night, still last week, I hung out with my brother, who was in town for a few days, and we talked about the failing health of our parents, the Fucking abusers, and making plans for their future. Thursday, I grocery shopped, and entertained my mother-in-law. Friday, I cooked, lots of food, as my oldest child turned 9 this weekend, and we had a large gathering planned, including some of his biological family, and a bounce house. Saturday was the party. It was successful and fun and the 9 year old was thrilled. Sunday, I spent the day at an amusement park with my two older boys. Monday, I went to the movies with my mother-in-law and cleaned up after our crazy weekend. Then yesterday, I had therapy. Needless to say, I did not process the hell out of my last therapy session. MT ( my therapist) seemed to think my 16 year old self was being defiant. I think it was a true lack of time and privacy. We talked about my flashbacks, and I talked about how it felt goid to not be wanting to be dead. MT was surprised and asked what I was referring to. I told her and she asked if that might not be something that I might have wanted to discuss with her. I said that I was not sure. She asked me to please tell her if I ever felt like that again. I asked what she would do. First, she said she wasn’t going to tell me so I said that I woukd not ever tell her if I was suicidal. MT replied that she would not call the ambulance, but that we would have a discussion. Then she stated that the abusers would win if I killed myself. She’s right and I need to remember that. I am a Fucking warrior and those people are not going to win. Then we spent a little time chatting about the boys, and all of a sudden I was back in that 16 year olds body, seeing the cat dead and thinking I was next. I really thought they were going to cut the baby out of me right then and there. Then I was back in MT’s room. MT asked me what had just happened. I told her I’d had a flashback and tears just pure down my face. She told me I should talk to that part of me and ask her to give me a break and that I should tell her it was over now and that I am grown up. I told MT that saying that stuff felt like shutting that part down and it did not feel right. I sat looking at the spot where I imagined 1y year old me and I couldn’t do it. I looked at MT and told her that I couldn’t. She said, be the warrior. I said. Well, maybe I’m not really a warrior. MT asked me if I was just giving up. I looked at that spot some more, and then spoke. I told that girl that I know she had nobody to talk to for a long time, that even when other parts were talking, she had been shut down because everytime I tried to talk about her and what she went through, I got sick and couldn’t breath. I told her that she gets to talk now. I told her that MT’s office was a good place to talk. I told her that I’m going to listen to her. I swear, when I looked at MT, she had tears in her eyes. I certainly did. MT said, so you are making a commitment to that girl. A very strong adult voice came out of me as I said yes, I am. And then my session was over. It’s been a day since then. I. Still having flashbacks, but now I’m telling her I’m listening and I’m trying not to judge her or myself.