Therapy, Last Week, Monday and Tuesday

Last Monday, when I went to therapy, the hopelessness continued.  I just really could not see the way out of the hopelessness I was feeling.  I didn’t tell MT (my therapist) that I was having suicidal thoughts.  I was really afraid of what she would do if she heard that.  I thought she might call an ambulance and put me on a 72 hour hold, and that thought terrified me.  I had no real plan.  I just kept wishing I was dead and thinking that if I had a gun, I could be dead.  Thankfully, I don’t have lots of money or the time to purchase a gun.  I was still having this freaking cat flashback.  I’ve been just waiting for it to stop, and I don’t think it’s going to happen.  But, at therapy on Monday, MT, not knowing about my suicidal thoughts, called me on my lack of warriorness (yes, I made up this word).  She talked about how I have warriored through all sorts of other stuff, and she was not understanding where that warrior was right now.  I left that session silently, feeling pretty worthless.  I know MT thought that would spur me into action, but it just added to my hopelessness.  I went home, took care of my kids, and went to Jodi’s first meditation session since June.  I sat on the floor, and Jodi had us breathe and notice our breath, and I felt myself slammed back into my body.  I had not been in my body in a long time, and apparently that was part of my issue with this flashback…I was not being 50 year old me looking at this flashback, I was looking at it as a child.  I went to therapy on Tuesday and talked to the child me in this flashback.  I cried, lots, but as an adult.  I felt seen and heard by MT.  I also told MT that I had been a warrior even when she thought that I wasn’t as I kept showing up and I was still alive.  As I left, MT told me to process the hell out of this session, and I said I would write a letter to the girl in the flashback.

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4 thoughts on “Therapy, Last Week, Monday and Tuesday

  1. Oh Patty my heart hurts to read about the sadness and the pain that holds you hostage all too often, but I also know you are that very warrior and you always fight. You know that not all days are equal and I have been were you are as far as the suicidal thoughts. It is important to remember how much you mean to people that love you and cafe for you. Your children and all the wonderful people you have touched here on WordPress. I remember feeling particularly down at one point and it was a good friend that told me that suicide was just not optional so I might as well get it out of my head. It somehow woke me up and shook me a big.
    Do you feel this Patty, I’m shaking you to wake up. In a loving way and I need you to be around, I’m serious. Big big hug to you my warrior.

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    • Rhapsody, I really do feel you shaking me. I’m not sure what this connection is between you and me, but it is there in a huge way. Thank you for shaking me. I need people who can do that for me. I love your total support for me and I feel your love from wherever you are in this world. Thank you for being there. 😚

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are very welcome my friend and I feel the same. Sometimes the ones who have never met can feel closer then the ones around us every day and I’m grateful for you and to be here for you. You are a special person Patty and I want to see you well. You got this… ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow….I do understand this feeling, I really do. I fall into the depths of hopelessness as I am here again as I write this. Please just remember that you certainly are needed and appreciated. We can’t give up…..warriors dont quit!

    Liked by 1 person

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