Last Monday, when I went to therapy, the hopelessness continued. I just really could not see the way out of the hopelessness I was feeling. I didn’t tell MT (my therapist) that I was having suicidal thoughts. I was really afraid of what she would do if she heard that. I thought she might call an ambulance and put me on a 72 hour hold, and that thought terrified me. I had no real plan. I just kept wishing I was dead and thinking that if I had a gun, I could be dead. Thankfully, I don’t have lots of money or the time to purchase a gun. I was still having this freaking cat flashback. I’ve been just waiting for it to stop, and I don’t think it’s going to happen. But, at therapy on Monday, MT, not knowing about my suicidal thoughts, called me on my lack of warriorness (yes, I made up this word). She talked about how I have warriored through all sorts of other stuff, and she was not understanding where that warrior was right now. I left that session silently, feeling pretty worthless. I know MT thought that would spur me into action, but it just added to my hopelessness. I went home, took care of my kids, and went to Jodi’s first meditation session since June. I sat on the floor, and Jodi had us breathe and notice our breath, and I felt myself slammed back into my body. I had not been in my body in a long time, and apparently that was part of my issue with this flashback…I was not being 50 year old me looking at this flashback, I was looking at it as a child. I went to therapy on Tuesday and talked to the child me in this flashback. I cried, lots, but as an adult. I felt seen and heard by MT. I also told MT that I had been a warrior even when she thought that I wasn’t as I kept showing up and I was still alive. As I left, MT told me to process the hell out of this session, and I said I would write a letter to the girl in the flashback.