Therapy, Last Week, Wednesday

Monday night, I had lots of nightmares, some about the cat memory, lots about trying to get to a therapy session, and really wanting to see MT, but having all sorts of crazy things happen that went on and on, and never getting to my session.  Tuesday, I had a crazy number of flashbacks.  More than usual.  Lots of the cat incident, and a fair number of my last therapist being emotionally abusive to me.  When, I went to therapy on Wednesday, I told MT that I had figured out that the feeling I had on Monday when I couldn’t stop crying was anguish.  I had been in severe emotional distress and my tears were the way it was pouring out of me.  MT asked what I was anguished about.  I told her it was about the cat flashback and being scared of being angry.  MT asked again, what’s been helpful with repeating flashbacks?  I said talking about them and talking to the younger me.  MT said, well, then, talk to the younger you.  I yelled, I can’t.  I don’t know what to say.  And no matter what, I can’t get rid of this Fucking flashback, and even if I do, another will come to take its place.  I can’t make the Fucking flashbacks stop and I dissolved into tears.  MT said, well, then I guess you’re not ready to do this work, because if you can’t, then you’re not going to even try, and that essentially means you won’t.  I growled, I’m ready to do the work.  I’ve been doing it.  So, MT asked me if I think I’m doing better since I’ve started seeing her.  I said, yes.  She said, how?  I said, I don’t know, I just am.  Then she asked if my flashbacks have improved, and I said that I didn’t know.  MT reused that she thought they were and I agreed with her.  She asked how they were better, and I said that they were not all over the place anymore and that I could get myself out of a flashback faster and actually still have good days even when I had flashbacks that day.  MT asked what I had done to make my flashbacks better.  I said talking about them and taking to the younger me in that flashback.  MT went on to say that almost every seminar, conference, and workshop she goes to touches on trauma, and that each presenter, while having favorite techniques, also talks about the choices that trauma survivors have to make.  Choices like mindfulness, doing the work, trying until they find what works best, choosing to go on in spite of losing the path or falling off cliffs, choosing to present themselves as trauma victims or as survivors or….we spoke more about these choices and I said I had some thinking to do.  So, I’m thinking.  I do know one thing for sure, I’ve got to get back on this path to becoming a warrior queen.  And I need to lose the sense of hopelessness that I’ve allowed to envelope me for a few weeks now.

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3 thoughts on “Therapy, Last Week, Wednesday

  1. You ARE on the warrior queen path. It’s not that you have to get back on it. It’s that the path looks like this sometimes.

    The talk of choice is only helpful up to a point. I feel we have to watch out, because there are times when flashbacks or implicit memories are so intense that healthy coping mechanisms do not feel like a choice we are capable of making. Or perhaps I say sometimes I (not we) do not have the wherewithal to make healthy choices because the pain is sucking too much out of me. And at that time, all I need is love and comfort and someone by my side. In those moments, if someone talks to me about choice, it just feels like another round of blame-the-victim, why don’t you just choose to get over it? So I’m sensitive on that topic, even as I recognize that we DO have choices.

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  2. You are right, Q, this is the path. I’m not lost, I’ve not lost the path. I think my choice is whether or not to go on. And my choice is to go on. I’m pretty much just sinking in some quicksand and it’s time to work on getting out. I get what you are saying about victim blaming.

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  3. I agree with La Quemade and you are in that Warrior Path. Not all days are easy and some are tough. It is not a matter of how many times you have fallen or how many times you feel you have to dig out of quicksand, it’s a matter of how many times you get back up and start digging. You are doing it every day. Be patient, believe that you are getting closer to your goal and give yourself some credit.
    Hey I hope you accept the bloggers award I nominated you 😉. You are so deserving and I want more people to learn about you and give you all the support you need. You are awesome Patty.

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