Monday night, I had lots of nightmares, some about the cat memory, lots about trying to get to a therapy session, and really wanting to see MT, but having all sorts of crazy things happen that went on and on, and never getting to my session. Tuesday, I had a crazy number of flashbacks. More than usual. Lots of the cat incident, and a fair number of my last therapist being emotionally abusive to me. When, I went to therapy on Wednesday, I told MT that I had figured out that the feeling I had on Monday when I couldn’t stop crying was anguish. I had been in severe emotional distress and my tears were the way it was pouring out of me. MT asked what I was anguished about. I told her it was about the cat flashback and being scared of being angry. MT asked again, what’s been helpful with repeating flashbacks? I said talking about them and talking to the younger me. MT said, well, then, talk to the younger you. I yelled, I can’t. I don’t know what to say. And no matter what, I can’t get rid of this Fucking flashback, and even if I do, another will come to take its place. I can’t make the Fucking flashbacks stop and I dissolved into tears. MT said, well, then I guess you’re not ready to do this work, because if you can’t, then you’re not going to even try, and that essentially means you won’t. I growled, I’m ready to do the work. I’ve been doing it. So, MT asked me if I think I’m doing better since I’ve started seeing her. I said, yes. She said, how? I said, I don’t know, I just am. Then she asked if my flashbacks have improved, and I said that I didn’t know. MT reused that she thought they were and I agreed with her. She asked how they were better, and I said that they were not all over the place anymore and that I could get myself out of a flashback faster and actually still have good days even when I had flashbacks that day. MT asked what I had done to make my flashbacks better. I said talking about them and taking to the younger me in that flashback. MT went on to say that almost every seminar, conference, and workshop she goes to touches on trauma, and that each presenter, while having favorite techniques, also talks about the choices that trauma survivors have to make. Choices like mindfulness, doing the work, trying until they find what works best, choosing to go on in spite of losing the path or falling off cliffs, choosing to present themselves as trauma victims or as survivors or….we spoke more about these choices and I said I had some thinking to do. So, I’m thinking. I do know one thing for sure, I’ve got to get back on this path to becoming a warrior queen. And I need to lose the sense of hopelessness that I’ve allowed to envelope me for a few weeks now.