Therapy Last Week, Monday

Last week, I had therapy on Monday and Wednesday.  When I arrived on Monday, I sat down and right away started talking about how anxiety ridden I had been over my anger throughout the weekend.  MT (my therapist) stopped me and said that she wanted to talk about an email I sent her on Friday telling her I wanted to eat and self harm to get rid of my anger and anxiety and pain.  She didn’t answer that email until the next day and said she couldn’t say much by email.  Really, I had not been expecting an answer, I just wanted her to know how I was feeling.  So, in the beginning of Monday’s session, MT started telling me about why she had not answered me until the next day.  I made a what the heck face at her and held up my hands in a questioning manner.  MT told me to let her finish. Then she proceeded to tell me that her reasons for taking a week off were not up for discussion.  I just crossed my arms and glared at her.  MT asked me what was going on.  I continued glaring at her.  MT said that we should really talk about what was happening for me.  I said that we couldn’t and she asked why. I told her that I had not come to session angry at her but now I was angry.  MT said so let’s talk about that.  Once again, all I could do was glare at her.  My eyes were filling up with tears.  MT said that it would probably be helpful to talk about what was going on with me. The tears overflowed.  I said that I couldn’t talk about what was happening because she had just told me that her going away was not up for discussion. She said the reasons were not up for discussion, but that we could definitely talk about my feelings.  I honestly felt trapped, because in the past trying to do this kind of stuff had resulted in very scary ruptures.  I told her I couldn’t talk about my feelings because when I’ve tried to do it before in the same circumstances, it ended badly and terrified me.  She said that after two and a half years together, that if I couldn’t trust her not to leave me, then we had a problem.  I was sobbing by now, and shaking.  I was going through at least 4 tissues a minute.  I think MT needs to take out stock in Kleenex.  So. I told her that I was really furious with her because I’d come to therapy not even angry about her going away and then she had to bring it up again and that made me angry and now here we were talking about me being angry with her and I was terrified.  MT replied that she felt we really had not completed our conversation on Friday and that she thought there was some leftover feelings and that I really needed to learn how to talk about my anger so let’s practice now.  I took a deep breath and said well, I was most angry that it seemed like my healing was not on my time line, but on her time line.  MT replied that I know what to do when she is not around.  I said that’s true  but I can’t do all of my healing by myself, that I actually needed her for some of it, like EMDR, and talking about what was going on for me and processing feelings.  We talked some more about my anger with her, and it was scary, but okay.  Then, I started crying very hard again, and I said, I don’t even know why I’m crying.  She asked me what I thought the reason might be, and I told her that I really did not know.  After a few minutes, I was able to stop.  Then our time was nearly up, and I asked about when our appointments would be next week.  MT replied that she still did not know for sure when she was going away, and I rolled my eyes and sighed loudly.  I said that I was supposed to travel to another state sometime next week to pick my mother-in-law up for a visit, and I needed to plan when I was going to do that.  MT said, well don’t worry about me, just choose a day.  I replied, in a very low voice, trying to keep from shouting and crying, well, that’s the thing.  My healing is very important to me and meeting with you is a big part of my healing, so I really don’t want to miss sessions I don’t have to.  Ugh.  I left and went to the Ladies room and stood in the stall, with my back supported by a wall, muttering under my breath, you Fucking bitch.  She doesn’t want to be an attachment therapist and I don’t want her to be either, but sometimes, I think her aversion to attachment therapy gets in her way of understanding that her presence is really vital to her clients.  I think if I said those words to MT, she’d deny it, but, I’m pretty sure I’m right.  I know she’s the right guide for me, but I also know, that I can clearly see some things that MT can’t.

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One thought on “Therapy Last Week, Monday

  1. You always take me right with you and I feel your pain and struggle. But I also know it’s part of the healing process and some people have a great sense of seeing what others often can’t. It’s called intuition and it can be a great gift but also a curse. Use it to your advantage my warrior.

    Liked by 1 person

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