I had therapy on Friday which is unusual because usually I see MT (my therapist) on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but things were a little different this week due to MT attending a conference and both of us having kids starting school. When I arrived at therapy, MT was busy lighting the candle and changing her calendar. She asked me what I wanted to work on and I told her that it seemed that we should finish EMDR around waiting for my mother to come home, but that I was really distracted by the cat memory and I wasn’t sure I could concentrate on the other stuff. MT turned from her candle and asked if I was saying we shoukd do EMDR around the cat. She went on to say that the cat thing was a memory that could give anybody PTSD all by itself, and that she felt like it would take way too long to process for the time we had and that she did not want to leave me inow a difficult place for the weekend. I replied that it would not be for as long as usual because today was Friday and, then MT said and I’ll see you Monday. I said what? My heart started beating really fast and I felt like I might die, because I wasn’t sure of what kind of schedule change was coming and if I’d be available. It turned out that I could come on Monday and that it worked out okay for me, but now I was on edge. I said well, then, there are only two days between today and Monday, thinking maybe we could try to start EMDR around this memory. MT started asking me how this memory was coming back to me and I talked about it being mainly emotions and body memories, and some flashes. Them MT asked if I’d ever heard of propanolol for nightmares and flashbacks. We talked about that and how it was probably contraindicated for me as my blood pressure has gotten really low with my weight loss and already causes me dizziness. Then we went back to taking about EMDR. MT said tfat she would like to do this memory in two hour sessions and I agreed, and,said,when? MT said, well not right away because in 2 or 3 weeks,I’m going away for a week. I just shut down. I know she has her own life but I was really pissed off that it felt like my healing was on hold due to her changing schedules. Then MT told me that I should talk to the younger me. My tears spilled over and I said I can’t. MT asked what was going on. I said I don’t know. Then MT said something just happened. I told her how I was feeling about her going away and changing her schedule. We got through that conversation without it turning bad, then we went back to talking to the younger me. MT asked me what I would say to the younger me and I saI’d I would tell her to leave me alone. MT said that obviously would not be helpful and asked what else I could say. I said I don’t know. MT and I have an agreement that instead of saying I don’t know, I’ll think about it and say/do the hard stuff…do she said that I can’t and I don’t know were sounding like maybe I was not in my adult self. I replied that I most certainly was my adult self, so MT asked me again, well, what do you think you need to say to the younger you? I yelled, I need to tell her to Fucking leave me alone and get over that stuff because it wasn’t ever going to happen again. MT said, wow, you sound angry. I actually laughed and told her that was a classic therapist statement. Then I said yes, I’m angry. MT asked me who I was angry at. I told her I was angry at the Fucking abusers. And I started sobbing. MT asked me what was going on. I told her that being angry was too scary and that I did not want to be like the abusers. She replied that the abusers did what they did because they were sick, not because they were angry. I said that the cat died because they were angry because I wouldn’t do what they told me to. MT once again said that was not anger it was a manipulative way to control me. She asked what else I was angry about. I said I was angry because they killed my cat, and because I was 50 years old and still dealing with this crap, and because it still haunted me, and I was angry because they made me think they were going to kill me next. And then I started shaking. MT asked why I was shaking. I said that I was scared and anxious. MT talked to me about embracing my anger instead of denying it. She said my anger was powerful. I couldn’t stop crying. I told her I was scared. Then our session time was up. I left more anxious than I started with.
I am angry and I am scared. I feel frozen in place, and I think that’s an old feeling of shock from seeing the cat killed. I’m angry because I thought they were going to kill me after that so I acquiesced to their demands…a demand that I lie about how I was pregnant to the doctor who would abort the life that they could not beat out of me. I’m angry because they didn’t kill me. They could have. They almost did. I wouldn’t be trying to deal with this stuff now if they had killed me then. I don’t have a death wish now. Dying is not an option now, but, it could have been then. I’m angry that I did what they wanted me to. I’m angry that they had such power over me. I’m angry that I still often feel like my life is controlled by this stuff. And the anger makes me crazy anxious. I still want to claw my skin off. I won’t, but it feels like it could be a relief. I really just want to figure out how to put this stuff to rest. And I still want to tell the younger me, it’s Fucking over, so scram.