Therapy 9/8/2016

I had therapy on Friday which is unusual because usually I see MT (my therapist) on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but things were a little different this week due to MT attending a conference and both of us having kids starting school.  When I arrived at therapy, MT was busy lighting the candle and changing her calendar.  She asked me what I wanted to work on and I told her that it seemed that we should finish EMDR around waiting for my mother to come home, but that I was really distracted by the cat memory and I wasn’t sure I could concentrate on the other stuff.  MT turned from her candle and asked if I was saying we shoukd do EMDR around the cat.  She went on to say that the cat thing was a memory that could give anybody PTSD all by itself, and that she felt like it would take way too long to process for the time we had and that she did not want to leave me inow a difficult place for the weekend.  I replied that it would not be for as long as usual because today was Friday and, then MT said and I’ll see you Monday.  I said what?  My heart started beating really fast and I felt like I might die, because I wasn’t sure of what kind of schedule change was coming and if I’d be available.  It turned out that I could come on Monday and that it worked out okay for me, but now I was on edge.  I said well, then, there are only two days between today and Monday, thinking maybe we could try to start EMDR around this memory.  MT started asking me how this memory was coming back to me and I talked about it being mainly emotions and body memories, and some flashes.  Them MT asked if I’d ever heard of propanolol for nightmares and flashbacks.  We talked about that and how it was probably contraindicated for me as my blood pressure has gotten really low with my weight loss and already causes me dizziness.  Then we went back to taking about EMDR.  MT said tfat she would like to do this memory in two hour sessions and I agreed, and,said,when?  MT said, well not right away because in 2 or 3 weeks,I’m going away for a week.  I just shut down.  I know she has her own life but I was really pissed off that it felt like my healing was on hold due to her changing schedules.  Then MT told me that I should talk to the younger me.  My tears spilled over and I said I can’t.  MT asked what was going on.  I said I don’t know.  Then MT said something just happened.  I told her how I was feeling about her going away and changing her schedule.  We got through that conversation without it turning bad, then we went back to talking to the younger me.  MT asked me what I would say to the younger me and I saI’d I would tell her to leave me alone.  MT said that obviously would not be helpful and asked what else I could say.  I said I don’t know.  MT and I have an agreement that instead of saying I don’t know, I’ll think about it and say/do the hard stuff…do she said that I can’t and I don’t know were sounding like maybe I was not in my adult self.  I replied that I most certainly was my adult self, so MT asked me again, well, what do you think you need to say to the younger you?  I yelled, I need to tell her to Fucking leave me alone and get over that stuff because it wasn’t ever going to happen again.  MT said, wow, you sound angry.  I actually laughed and told her that was a classic therapist statement.  Then I said yes, I’m angry.  MT asked me who I was angry at.  I told her I was angry at the Fucking abusers.  And I started sobbing.  MT asked me what was going on.  I told her that being angry was too scary and that I did not want to be like the abusers.  She replied that the abusers did what they did because they were sick, not because they were angry.  I said that the cat died because they were angry because I wouldn’t do what they told me to.  MT once again said that was not anger it was a manipulative way to control me.  She asked what else I was angry about.  I said I was angry because they killed my cat, and because I was 50 years old and still dealing with this crap, and because it still haunted me, and I was angry because they made me think they were going to kill me next.  And then I started shaking.  MT asked why I was shaking.  I said that I was scared and anxious.  MT talked to me about embracing my anger instead of denying it.  She said my anger was powerful.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I told her I was scared.  Then our session time was up.  I left more anxious than I started with.

I am angry and I am scared.  I feel frozen in place, and I think that’s an old feeling of shock from seeing the cat killed.  I’m angry because I thought they were going to kill me after that so I acquiesced to their demands…a demand that I lie about how I was pregnant to the doctor who would abort the life that they could not beat out of me.  I’m angry because they didn’t kill me.  They could have.  They almost did.  I wouldn’t be trying to deal with this stuff now if they had killed me then.  I don’t have a death wish now.  Dying is not an option now, but, it could have been then.  I’m angry that I did what they wanted me to.  I’m angry that they had such power over me.  I’m angry that I still often feel like my life is controlled by this stuff.  And the anger makes me crazy anxious.  I still want to claw my skin off.  I won’t, but it feels like it could be a relief.  I  really just want to figure out how to put this stuff to rest.  And I still want to tell the younger me, it’s Fucking over, so scram.

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10 thoughts on “Therapy 9/8/2016

  1. This is really intense, Patty. Your anger is valid. And to those little parts, who aren’t over it, sending them love and compassion. And for what it is worth, I would have also been really upset to hear my therapist was leaving soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sending my little parts love and compassion. I’m having a tough time doing that right now. This kind of feels like times,when my kids have overwhelmed me and friends have taken over when I needed a break. I was really taken aback by how upset I got when MT said she’d be gone for a week. Usually, these days, I take that stuff in stride. But, I know how,hard it is,to hear that a therapist is going on vacation.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well and with the cat incident trigger – you are even more sensitive right now, so it doesn’t surprise me that hearing of her vacation would be more triggering than usual. You know? Which is completely okay and understandable, the context makes you extra sensitive and vulnerable right now.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. All these years you stuffed that anger down in side and it grew and grew. And what do you thinks happens when you finally allow yourself to feel that anger and voice out to the world that it was not acceptable and you’re angry. You are more than angry, your a usurious because you know in your heart somehwere, you did not deserve to be treated that way. So when you finally let it out, what happens?

    It loses its power over you…..

    Trust me, been there…done it! Have the t-shirt.

    Bright Blessings on you for your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi little Patty, I just wanted to tell you something. Right now grown-up Patty is having a hard time, so it’s hard for her to take care of you. She’ll be back though, because she knows you are really important. She says, “go away,” but really what she means is she wishes the pain would go away. That pain hurts her a lot (and you too, I know). Sometimes she gets you and the pain mixed up, because you showed up at the same time. But you know, and grown-up Patty knows too, that you are separate from the wounds that caused the pain, and the goodness of you is still there and lovable. It’s nice of you to be patient and understanding while grown-up Patty does the emotional work she needs to do to feel better and then be able to tend to you.

    To grown up Patty, wow, that sounds like a very challenging therapy session. I’m glad Monday isn’t very far away, and you’ll have a chance to see your T tomorrow. I’m thinking of you, rooting for you from far away. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your anger is valid and your wounds are deep my dear friend. It is unimaginable what pain you have endured and it has left you with deep scars. I know you did the best you could back then and even now. There is no blame on your part and you were an innocent victim caught in a viscous cycle.
    Sending you healing thoughts and time to take away the pain. Xoxoxo

    Like

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