After Midnight and Struggling.

It’s after midnight and I’m in the process of writing a post about the cat incident.  However, I am really struggling, so I wanted to put this out there.  I accessed some feelings in therapy today that make me anxious.  Anxious is also part of this memory.  I want to eat away these feelings, but….oh, yeah, gastric bypass….eating too much will just make me sick.  I want to cut or burn myself…I’m struggling not to do that.  I feel like crawling out of my skin.  I’ve taken a xanax.  I’ve exercised lots.  I’m still nearly climbing the walls.  This is Fucking hard stuff.  I don’t like it 

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9 thoughts on “After Midnight and Struggling.

  1. Its horrible when something is opened in therapy n then it lingers afterwards. I go home n make a den ( i get my duvet off the bed n wrap myself in it and this is really sad but i have an old rag dol and i sit in my duvet cuddling it) and watch something happy. Disney works wonders. Be kind to yourself its hard hard hard work were doing. Take care xx

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    • Yeah, I really don’t like when stuff lingers after therapy. I have a stuffed bunny that my wife gave me that I snuggled with when I’m struggling. I also have a permanent nest set up in the corner of one of our couches, with blankets and pillows. Watching some Disney sounds like a great idea. Thank you. This really is some hard stuff we are dealing with.

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  2. Oh, Patty, you are right, this is beyond hard. Some feelings seem strong enough to destroy us. But that’s just them tricking us. In fact, your core, beautiful warrior self is still there while the feelings swirl around you. The feelings will pass in time (soon, I hope), but that warrior self is always there. She is a survivor. She is the one who lives now and writes this blog and has readers who genuinely care about her. I care about her! She’s precious and powerful, and no matter what terrible things happened in the past, and no matter what feelings are coming up now, she will cope.

    Please keep posting if you feel like it. Tell us what you need if you know what it is. If there are ways to provide support, I’m so happy to do it. Warm hugs, Q.

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    • Q, thank you for your constant support. I’m pretty sure , too, that the feelings will pass and eventually there will be some calmer times, and then there will be big and scary feelings again and the cycle will continue as the waves come and go. Yes, I am still a warrior. I would not be doing this work otherwise. I’m a warrior because I have not acted on my self harm impulses. I’m not sure what I need, but I love your caring support.

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  3. It is fucking hard stuff, Patty. My therapist calls is “emotional weightlifting,” when we sit with these really intense feelings in ways we haven’t before (because we were numbing, etc). It is so hard, this is the hard part, and you are doing it. I don’t think there is a more palatable way to get through it, except just fucking feel it and want to jump out of your body. At least I haven’t found an easier way.

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  4. My dear friend, it hurts so much to read the pain you have to endure and I wish I could just hold you and make it all go away. I know you are a strong person and a fighter, and I know you understand that not all days are created equally. As others already suggested, I hope you can find something that brings you joy. A memory perhaps, a picture, quotes that inspired you, a tv show…really anything that distracts your mind and pulls you into your happy place until the clouds disappear. I’m not sure if this could help but it’s worth a try and you have nothing to lose.
    I once read a book by Eckhart Tolle and it is called the power of now. It talks about the mind, the ego and the demons that haunt us in our own thoughts. He suggest that merely by becoming aware of your thoughts, when something creeps into your mind, is the very key to destroy and diminish those thoughts. I hope this can help and perhaps you try it the next time, which I hope is a very long time from now. Hugs ❤️

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