Still Triggered

The memory that was triggered by a scene in the television show Wentworth last night is still hanging on, refusing to be in the background of my thoughts.  As night time and time to sleep gets closer, I am getting more and more riled up.  Ice been talking to me at the age of the cat incident.  I’m telling that part of me that I’m grown up, that nothing like that will ever happen again, that I have cats to love, that she is safe.  But, the need to move is getting stronger, even though I’m exhausted.  I feel screams in the back of my throat.  My eyes keep leaking tears.  And I feel a very old horrified feeling.  And I feel some shame.  Adult me gets that the cat died at the hands of  one of my abusers, but part of me is soo ashamed that my action or inaction caused the cat’s death.  This is hard stuff.  But, I am a warrior.  I will get through this.

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7 thoughts on “Still Triggered

  1. Hate triggers! Hate them. Just discussed this with my therapist yesterday. She told me to orient myself to right now and by doing that I need to focus on an object and I need to rub my arms and legs and tell myself that this is my body and I am in it and I am safe and I am here. It has been helpful. As nighttime comes I typically feel a dread feeling. Which I told her about. And so I have kept a night light on in my room so I can see I am here and ….well my heart just goes out to you because I hate triggers and I am so sorry you have had one.

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  2. Dear little Patty, sweetheart, I know grown-up warrior Patty has told you this, but I wanted you to hear it from someone else as well. When someone does something bad to you, it is not your fault. When someone hurt your cat, that was a very bad thing to do. I bet it made you sad and angry! No matter what that someone said, it was not your fault at all. You would never do such a thing. It was the person being very mean. You are the same person you’ve always been: smart, fun to be around, loving to animals, sweet and smart. No one will ever be able to take those qualities away from you.
    I wish I could have been there to protect you, to keep you from having these terrible experiences. I would have screamed at this cruel person. I would have yelled and fought and called the police and thrown things, whatever I could do. I would have picked you up and run off, carrying you to a safe place. And I know grown-up Patty would do that for you, too. She wasn’t there to do it then, but she’s around now, and she is a powerful protector. You will never have to go through anything like that again.

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    • Q, this made me cry. Thank you so much for this letter to little Patty. It means so much to me. I actually printed it out and put it in a special place for the times I struggle to talk to the younger parts of me. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this and thank you so much for your incredible support. đź’žđź’ž

      Liked by 1 person

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