A long time ago, I did EMDR processing with an awesome therapist named Pat.  I saw her for about a year on my 20’s and then three years in my 30’s.  We cleared lots of memories and eliminated about 90% of my flashbacks at the time.  I then went for many years with no medication and no therapy and was doing pretty well, when all of my wounds were reopened by a friend who told me she had walked in on her husband sexually abusing a boy and had walked right back out without stopping the abuse and she nevr reported it or took steps to ensure it never happened again.  She chose to not protect a child.  My head swirled, flashbacks and nightmares started and never stopped, I got depressed, I had panic attacks.  I could not function.  I went to therapy with a therapist who turned out to be emotionally abusive to me.  She told me that I was never going to heal.   I had more flashbacks.  I got more depressed.  I had more panic attacks.  I lost my job.  I terminated my therapy with this emotionally abusive woman and started therapy with MT (my therapist).  I liked the idea that MT was skilled in EMDR, but she refused to do EMDR with me due to the level of dissociation I experienced during therapy.  We worked gently and diligently on me being able to stay present during therapy.  We worked on being able to stay in my adult mind while talking about my memories and flashbacks and experiences.  Then the other day, I talked about what seemed to be the last big wound.  My next therapy session, MT asked me how the flashbacks were.  I told her that they were no longr just focused on the thing I had talked about, but they seemed to be all over the place…mainly, a time I thought for sure I was going to be killed, not being allowed to use the bathroom, and waiting for my missing mother to come home.  MT suggested we work on those using EMDR.  So, we’ve started with waiting for my mother to come home.  The negative thought we are dealing with is I must be bad if my mother doesn’t want to come home.  We are trying to install the thought that this stuff was not about me.  We didn’t finish, but will work on it again tomorrow.  Throughout the EMDR, I managed to stay in my adult mind.  I felt accomplished and proud of myself, in a way I don’t always.  Most people will not understand how hard this is, but this is a huge part of my journey to becoming a warrior queen.


4 thoughts on “EMDR

  1. I can appreciate how huge this is. I have done EMDR in the past and had it be very helpful with one therapist (only had 6 sessions with her before she left the country for a year) and disastrous with another less experienced with EMDR and dissociation.

    I have been talking with my current therapist for years about possibly using EMDR, but first I had to feel confident enough that she could help to pull me out if I started to go to a bad place and also I needed to be able to not be so reactively dissociative. We are just about there, but it’s taken over 3 years.

    So I definitely can appreciate how much blood, sweat, and tears you have put into getting to where you are!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. EMDR is hard hard work! I know I am going through it right now and I cant even explain to others who have never experienced it how much it takes out of you. I believe it works though as I am seeing small changes.Keep on keeping on as my therapist tells me!

    Liked by 1 person

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