I Did It!  

I went to therapy today and told MT (my therapist) about the content of my recent flashbacks.  I walked in, asked MT to burn sage for me, and MT made a funny.  (Please see my last post).  I felt surprisingly calm and in my adult frame of mind.  MT handed me a bag of stones that she had gotten at Lilydale this weekend and told me that they were sacred and would help me.  I sorted the stones in my lap and talked about some mundane things as I sorted and examined each of the 20 stones.  I ended up with 5 left in my hands and started talking.  I stumbled over my words several times and got frustrated at how hard it is to verbalize these things sometimes.  I finally said that I was going to use appropriate technical terms and things got easier.  We talked about how the stuff that was done to me was inhumane and despicable and heinous.  MT never blinked.  I felt safe and calm and realized that other times when I’ve talked details I was in a child state and today I was most definitely an adult talking.  It was so much easier from the adult me because, I think, I wasn’t afraid of telling the secret and really worried about the ramifications of telling the secret.  I coughed a few times, but that was the only indication of body memories happening which are often intense when I have spoken a secret.  I left in a fairly good mood and feeling heard and unjudged.  I went to the Ladies room and was suddenly shaking with cold.  When I got to my car, I was shivering and covered in goosebumps.  It was 88° out.  I left the parking lot with the heat blasting.  After driving for a minute or two, I suddenly realized that pukage was imminent.  I pulled over to the side of the road and was really happy that there was a plastic grocery bag on the floor of my car. I threw up 5 times and was really surprised at my lack of distress about vomiting.  I’m generally scared to death of throwing up and will do almost anything to avoid it.  I was so matter of fact while the vomiting was happening.  I wasn’t dissociated, but it seems to me that perhaps it was the child me who was sick.  I wrote MT an email about what had happened, and she replied that it was all part of detoxing.  I felt so much lighter after this session and the vomiting episode.  And I have not had a single flashback regarding the details I told.  

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7 thoughts on “I Did It!  

  1. You Did! Marvellous!!
    Also, thank you for describing it in such detail. I also get these physical things – coughing, freezing, throwing up, etc. I’ve never read anyone describing it so well. Detox, huh? I will be so glad when all the tox is done!
    Congratulations! TS

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, TS. Thank you for telling me that it also happens to you. Sometimes I felt silly posting about that stuff, but I’m convinced of the mind-body connection and that not only does my trauma live in my heart and mind and soul, but also in my cells.

      I’ve told so many secrets, but this felt really major because it was about my mother. Even though it was her actions and her choices and not my fault, I have this huge bubble of shame that can crop up around being abused by my mother. But, being able to be in my adult mind really helped that shame to not be present.

      Yes, detox. Lots of ways. Vomiting, shaking, coughing , sweating. I cannot wait for the toxins to be gone.

      Like

    • Hi, TS. Thank you for telling me that it also happens to you. Sometimes I felt silly posting about that stuff, but I’m convinced of the mind-body connection and that not only does my trauma live in my heart and mind and soul, but also in my cells.

      I’ve told so many secrets, but this felt really major because it was about my mother. Even though it was her actions and her choices and not my fault, I have this huge bubble of shame that can crop up around being abused by my mother. But, being able to be in my adult mind really helped that shame to not be present.

      Yes, detox. Lots of ways. Vomiting, shaking, coughing , sweating. I can’t wait until the toxins are gone, too.

      Like

  2. I am so proud of you, what a great achievement and what what a huge step toward healing and getting better. I was thinking the same as MT and maybe you had to puke out some of the past that was lingering inside of you in order to free yourself and become a little more lighthearted. Well done dear, congratulations. So happy for you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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