Tuesday, 8/23/2016

I did not come across as a warrior queen today, although, I know for sure I’m still in the process of becoming a warrior queen.  I was up lots on Monday night with flashbacks, nightmares, and a whopper of a panic attack.  I had therapy Tuesday morning and we were supposed to start EMDR, but I knew it was not going to happen.  I knew I was not stable enough.  I walked into MT’S (my therapist’s) office, and couldn’t speak a word.  MT looked at me and said, well, I’ll wait until you can talk.  When I finally spoke, I told MT that I did not know what to do.  She said that she had thought that we were going to start EMDR, but I seemed to fragile.  Seeming fragile did not even seem like an insult as I was feeling very close to breaking.  The flashbacks the night before were all about jelly donut incidents and other things that the person known as my mother did to me.  I’m realizing that some of the flashbacks were spurred on by stuff from my surgery a few weeks ago.  And I don’t want to talk about any of it.  I feel such shame and humiliation, and , yes, I get that I did not do this stuff, it was not my fault.  Also, I’m tired of living in abuse world.  I want to live in the present world.  But, the child within me really wants me to talk.  I relayed all of this to MT, and she asked who I was at that moment.   I said I was the adult, but I was aware that some of my actions and words were coming across as a child.  MT said that I may be feeling like the adult me on the inside, but outwardly, I was coming across as a child.  I was sitting on my hands, I was slouched and really not making eye contact with MT.  My voice was quiet and higher than usual.  I was having a hard time catching my breath.  I was wiping my rears with my hands, and adult me uses Kleenex.  We spent time with the definitions and differences with shame, embarrassment, guilt, and humiliation. MT and I talked about parts of me being in conflict and whether I was doing myself true good by refusing to talk about these flashbacks, as they keep getting worse.  We talked about the fact that the child part of me wants attention for this stuff, as in getting attention for it might lead to help and protection.  We talked about what healing and moving on means.  I left MT’s office not doing well.

I came home and got out this book and the work book to find out what they have to say about resolution and healing and moving on .

I’m still reading and thinking and reading all of your answers on my post pattyspathtohealing.wordpress.com/2016/08/24/question/.  I can’t wait to figure out how resolution, healing, and this child part come together.  I’m just going to reiterate, I do not want to go back to the sniveling, gagging mess I think I will be if I start talking.

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3 thoughts on “Tuesday, 8/23/2016

  1. I’m no expert by any means but my heart breaks to imagine what you must have endured and still do. I am so sorry and still believe that time will heal or at least ease some wounds to a level that is tolerable. I also believe that progress can’t be forced and your heart will lead and tell you what you are ready for next. Many hugs and good luck to you. You are in my heart and in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I believe, also, that I will heal more over time. I believe I am healing, I just really hate getting stuck in the muck. I made a decision to let go of this stuff, so it’s frustrating when it won’t let go of me.

      I really appreciate your support and kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are very welcome and you will let go if that is what you decided to do. I believe in you and somehow I know you will. Like we all we will have the occasional set back, so try to be patient and give yourself credit. The mind and the ego can play tricks on us and be our own worst enemy. The next time you have a bad thought about it, try to become aware of it. Realize that you are having that thought and see what happens. Awareness is the key to stopping the thought and I hope you can try it and it helps. Many hugs, hang in there.

        Liked by 1 person

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