So, Q, from https://laquemada.org, just asked me where I’ve been and if I’m okay. I am okay. I’ve been kind of lost in my life and my head and my heart. I’ve started a few posts and then not finished them.
MT ( my therapist) and I have been spending lots of time on eating issues and stuff my mother did to me around eating and how changing my eating is for me and how my changing body size is affecting me. I can’t really explain everything that has been going on in therapy because it feels discombobulated and long and big and inexplicable. So a few weeks ago, i went to therapy and told MT i wanted to eat jelly donuts, that i thought jelly donuts would make me feel better. So MT had me imagine eating jelly donuts and had me describe eating them. I got most of the way through the 2nd jelly donut and started gagging, which led to a discussion regarding that perhaps my eating was more about punishing myself than comforting myself. And MT asked me point blank if I’d been hurting myself in other ways. I had, and I just stared at her. She simply said that we were taking eating and other self harm off the table, that they were not options anymore…and so far, strangely enough, those things seem to no longer be options. Then I had a panic attack in Walmart and it happened as I walked past the donuts. And MT asked what was up with the donuts and I couldn’t talk. I had to leave the room. I felt like I was going to die, and yet, I remained an adult in control. And I spent one session just sobbing and I couldn’t talk. There was an incident or maybe more than one incident with my mother and jelly donuts. But, I felt so unable to talk about the whole thing. I was grossed out. I felt that MT might be grossed out. I was afraid that this would be the thing that MT would not believe. And then, there was another labyrinth walk. Pattie, the Reiki person, was back. I had the first session of the evening with her, and I honestly thought I would find her concentrating on my gallbladder, as I have surgery scheduled to remove it. But her hands kept coming back to my throat and chest and face…and then she said, come talk to me outside. We walked out the church doors and she asked, what is it you can’t say? You need to say it. It’s stuck and keeping you stuck. I didn’t answer her, but told her I knew what it was. I had therapy the next day and want in and said a very small piece….then I went on vacation.
Before I get to my vacation, I just want to talk about my relationship with MT. Something about the dynamic seems to be changing. And I’m not sure if it’s good or bad. MT is my first therapist that I have not had huge transference issues with. I’ve never thought she could be a mother substitute. And that is because MT sets her boundaries and keeps them. And I am so glad that she is so strict with her boundaries. I’ve never texted with her and only once in two years have I asked her to call me back. She does not encourage contact between sessions, but will answer emails with 1-3 sentences. I do have two sessions with her each week so that helps keep in between session contact pretty minimal. Recently, MT told me that while I seemed to present in a very child like manner….dressing, hair, talking…when I first started seeing her, I am very much appropriate for my age these days. I liked that. I don’t want to be an old lady, but I do want to be taken seriously as a mother, a wife, and a 50 year old woman. But, recently, MT has been calling me girlfriend at the end of sessions. Part of me is glad, because it seems a term of endearment, but another part of me is actually scared….I don’t want anything to happen to endanger this therapy relationship. I KNOW that MT is the person who can guide me to find my ability to heal.
My family and I were on vacation this past week at a touristy ocean destination on the East coast. We saw dolphins and horseshoe crabs. We walked the boardwalk and ate seafood. We swam and played and had a blast. And I missed therapy for a whole week. And while I have things to work on, I was surprisingly okay with missing my two sessions. I had to laugh because when I reminded MT i would be gone this past week, she asked me if she should be mad at me. My first thought was that she was perturbed because of the loss of income, and then I realized she was joking….because every time she tells me she’s going on vacation, I tell her how angry that makes me. Pretty funny. I really like this MT person and I’m really thankful to the therapust who steered me in her direction.