***this is a crazy long post. I’ve been unable to put into words my recent healing process until tonight, so this is a few weeks worth of writing.
I have had lots of different things happen since the late time I posted and put together, I think that they are adding up to a big, huge leap in healing. That’s not to say I’m filled with joy. Far from it, although I was jubilant after a therapy session a few weeks ago. I started to get dissociated during session and MT (my therapist) suggested I get up, walk around, go outside for a minute. I couldn’t talk, but I stood up and then looked at MT who assured me that I could come back and she would still be there and the door would be opened. I went outside, walked for a few seconds, went to the ladies room and threw up once, then went back to MT’s office. I was totally in my body and in the present at that point. I told MT that I had thrown up and she said, that’s good. You are detoxing. In the same session, MT was asking me how I was feeling, and I said sad and mad. She said those were feeling words but they are words little kids use. She had me look up feelings words lists on my phone to find more descriptive feeling words. I love that kind of stuff. Then as I left that session, MT told me how well I had done with helping myself out of my dissociated state. I was jubilant. I felt accomplished at that point, even though it sounds kind of minor.
I also went to a labyrinth walk a couple of weeks ago. When I got to the labyrinth walk, there were sign ups for free chair massages and energy healing. I signed up for a chair massage and then the eoman doing the sign-ups asked me if I wanted an energy healing. I was about to say no, when a woman walked up and introduced herself as Pattie, saying she was a reiki provider for the evening. I felt such an immediate connection to her that I signed up for a Reiki session with Pattie. My chair massage followed by my reiki session happened just after the labyrinth opened, so I woukd not be able to walk the labyrinth until after both sessions. My chair massage was deep and not always so pleasant, but I stayed in my body and paid attention to the feelings, both physical and emotional, that were arising, and I felt like the knots in my back were holding back the flow of energy and feelings through me. Then I went for my Reiki session, and Pattie moved her hands over me clearing energy blockages. At one point, she had her hand on my heart and one hand on my head and tears just dripped out of my eyes. I was not in any kind of pain at that point, I was relaxed and peaceful. Then I walked the labyrinth. There were only a few people in the labyrinthwith me, and as I walked by them, I felt as though we were all connected on a journey. As I walked the labyrinth, it came to me that this walk was much like my healing journey, spiraling closer to the center and then further away. And it seemed that the whole evening helped to unblock lots in me.
I’ve also been going to acupuncture on a regular basis. I really started going regularly about 4 weeks ago because I was having a fibromyalgia flare. The first session I went to, the acupuncturist put the needles in and I promptly fell deep asleep. When I awoke, it was like I could just feel the grief flowing out my pores. It made me feel nauseous and weepy and my flashbacks flared. But the flashbacks are different. Instead of feeling like I’m in the flashbacks, I know I’m in the present and feeling the physical and emotional pain from the past. Things seem to calm down between acupuncture sessions and then get stirred up after the needles are in. It seems to me that it’s like chemotherapy for my soul. I keep wondering if I should just stop going to acupuncture, but I feel like this is part of my healing process even though it is unpleasant. I guess like chemo is for cancer, right? MT recently recommended adding Reiki because it just seems like all of this energy is stuck in me, and I agree. The memories and feelings are energy and need to move their way through me. MT told me that not many people get to this detoxing stage in therapy, so I am thankful I am here. My hunch, though, is that it’s like grief. It won’t all be gone in one big chunk. That this, too, is a process. MT told me to tell myself a story ….Maybe an ancient story… when things get really tough. I’m in the process of writing myself a fairy tale of coming into the world and experiencing all of this stuff. I’ve been doing lots of reading about soul contracts and a akashic records. These will also be worked into my story. I won’t know if my story is true, but it will give me some meaning to what has happened to me and I think that’s important.