Thoughts from the Middle of the Night

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought more about what is going on with me and my healing process.  Here are those thoughts:

I’m projecting my frustration with myself onto MT.  I don’t tell her what’s going on with me because I’m afraid that she’ll be frustrated with me, but really I’m frustrated with myself.  I’m irritated with myself so I think she’s irritated with me.  And this is not serving me well and I’m stuck.  I feel so stuck.  The problem is that I tried to make the grieving be done with.  I felt like it went on for long enough and tried to stop it.  But, it’s still there.  I keep trying to let go of the past and the flashbacks get stronger.  Grieving isn’t not letting go.  Grieving is part of the process of letting go.  I keep trying to hurry the process along, but that does not work.  I am where I am.  I believe in letting go.  I will let go when the time is right, but not completing the process or trying to leapfrog over steps is just making me frustrated and irritated.  I know I need to spend more time on the grieving and just letting myself feel that.  I let that go to quickly because I thought grieving was trying to hold on and change unchangeable things.  But really, grieving is part of letting go.  I have to let myself be where I am.  The other thing about grieving is that it is hard for me to let myself still be in the grieving space when I’m also so focused on and pretty happy about this journey of weight loss.  I am happy with this journey. Even though it does bring up other issues for me.  But those are in the present.  It seems pretty easy to work on those with MT.  But I have blocked myself from the grieving process, probably since I had surgery.  And it was easy to block that grieving for a while, but now it’s come back, stronger than it was.  I’ve been judging the process instead of just letting it be.  I can practice letting go while I’m still grieving.  Letting go is a practice anyway.  It takes reminding myself over and over again that I let that go.  That I can’t change that.  That it’s just the way things were and hurts me to keep scraping my fingernails on a brick wall trying to make it change.  So, with the past, i have a two-pronged process.  Letting myself grieve and practicing letting go.  Practicing letting go can look like this.  I have a flashback, and as soon as I can, I remind myself that was in the past and it happened and it was bad but my life now is really good and the past doesn’t matter anymore.  I can also practice letting go by owning my truth and not being scared about what anybody might think of me or say about me when I do speak my truth.  I can also practice letting go by putting the past on that boat and only pulling it in when I need it.  But, I don’t need the past in my face to grieve and let go.  I can let that boat out further each time.  It does not matter where the past is, my feelings are still my feelings no matter what.  Eventually I can cut the rope to that boat or explode that boat.

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