Thoughts from today

I am stuck in healing from childhood abuse and complex PTSD.  I’m lost on a plateau and I cannot find my way to the next level.  Even if I could find my way to the next level, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to get myself up there.

I think MT (my therapist) is frustrated with my stuckness.  I feel like she cannot see my internal struggle with this as much as I try to explain.

I have lots going on.  Maybe I’m climbing another mountain successfully.  I’ve lost 115 lbs.  I look way different.  I feel way diffrent.  I act way different.  I can’t eat my feelings anymore.  I can’t even eat alot of healthy stuff, like vegetables, because there is not enough room in my new stomach.  6 or 7 bites of anything and I’m done.  Done for hours until that little stomach empties out.  I’m not able to cover anything up with food and I’m not sure how to be okay with the feelings pouring out of me.

I really want to let go of the past.  But no matter how many times I let go, the stuff is still there.  It freaking sticks like ants to honey.  My past is not serving me, but it seems that I’m not done with something, but I cant figure out what. 

Does grieving for something mean you want to change the past or is grieving just a part of the letting go process.

I think I’m not done grieving.  I think I stopped that process because I felt stupid about it.    But I’m not done.  I think it’s going to keep coming back for a long time.  I need to accept that I’m still grieving.  MT needs to accept that I’m still grieving.  Or else I’m going to need to find a new therapist.  That is really not something I want to do.

Maybe that’s why I feel so stuck.  I’m not done grieving and I feel like I’m supposed to be.

I just read an article about diminished returns.  Not sure if it was totally business related but what I’m thinking is that I’ve worked really hard on this healing for two years and made great gains.  Maybe it’s time to pay less attention to this journey because the gains are not so amazing.  I could pay more attention to the present.  But the past haunts me in flashbacks.  How the hell do you get rid of flashbacks?

I feel like my mind is swirling.  I’m frustrated.  I’m also really kind of scared because I just added up my calories for the day…mostly to make sure I got in enough protein…and for the first time in months, my intake for the day hit 1000 calories.  I know it’s not alot to most people, but I’ve been struggling to get in 800 calories.  MT said one day that we have to be careful I don’t develop a different eating disorder and I think she’s right.  I’m scared of 1000 calories, yet I’ve lost 115 pounds and I exercise for 90 minutes most days. 

So there are my thoughts for the day. 


10 thoughts on “Thoughts from today

  1. Patty, it is okay to grieve and for the grieving to take as long as it takes. There is nothing wrong with you for grieving. Horrific childhoods take a very long time to heal from and grieve, and two years really isn’t that long when you consider how long you were tortured. You’re doing remarkably well.

    Liked by 1 person

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