Today’s therapy session was way more satisfying and,way more challenging than the two last week. And with those challenges, I feel lots of movement in my heart and mind and soul. Today, I talked about some flashbacks I’ve been having. Talking about these flashbacks helped to solidify in my mind the Web of abuse that is spread through most parts of my extended family. It is all so tangled and confusing. I wish I could understand where all this started. MT (my therapist ) said this Web of abuse probably goes back many generations. That thought overwhelms me because that means this tangled Web of abuse that started generations ago spreads to family that is probably so extended in different countries that it is probably almost impossible to trace. The thing this thought does for me that is actually healing for me is that it shows me that this abuse is in no way about me. I often feel that the abuse was so widespread for me that it must have me at the center. I’m beginning to understand that the center of this Web is not me, it is some person or couple of persons hundreds of years ago and probably across the sea in far,away places. It’s hard to think about how far flung this abuse is. MT often asks me if I don’t think I would want to do something legally about the abuse. I get overwhelmed at the thought. Who would believe my story? Who would I go after? How would I prove this stuff? I can barely talk to MT about this stuff; how would I tell these things to strangers? It was so long ago that the state of limitations is up. It seems that the girls in my family may have been trafficked (locally sold…made available to local people…pimped out ). The boys were pretty much princes, but were exposed to how awful their sisters and female cousins were and how they were to be treated for their awfulness. All of these realizations are making me feel like I need to tell people, especially before a new generation of babies come. I feel crazy thinking about this. I surely will not do anything impulsive, but it is on my mind.
The other challenge from therapy today is that MT told me it’s time for me yo start doing for myself some of the things she’s been doing. At the end of sessions, MT usually directs me in a breathing exercise. In the last several sessions this has not happened and today, I mentioned that I miss that. MT told me I could do it myself….that it’s time I start doing for myself things that she has been teaching me. I understand that I need to take care of me, but I really miss hearing that soothing voice guiding me at the end of a session.