I’m going to start with the other stuff. The biggest other stuff is that since 7/8/2015, I have lost 102 pounds. It’s amazing. The difference in my body and it’s ability to do things like exercise and shopping and cleaning is amazing to me. I have a weight loss bucket list that includes things like kayaking, riding a horse, zip lining, and parasailing. My wife and I just booked a vacation for this summer and we will be spending a week at the ocean. And, I am going parasailing! I have lots more weight to lose, but I am so much lighter now that parasailing can happen with no question. I could even fly in tandem with my two big kids. And even more exciting, is how much healthier I am at this point. My resting pulse is averaging between 50 and 55. Last year at this time, it was 85. My wife and I purchased a really good treadmill and I think it’s become one of my best friends.
In therapy, I have two main themes going. One is letting go and the other is identifying who I am. I’m still in a grieving stage, but I’m also coming into a letting go stage. Letting go has been a theme in my life. I’m letting go of the abusers. I’m letting go of my body. I want to be able to let go of my childhood and my trauma and the flashbacks and the nightmares. I’m letting go of my addiction to food. I’m letting go of food as a unifier between me and other people and also letting go of food as my go to comfort. I’m also working on letting go of other relationships that are toxic to me. It seems that I am so desperate for a family and so afraid of what will happen if I have only me to depend on, that I have let some scary people into my life. So, as I am letting go of lots of things that I used to/don’t want to anymore identify myself by, I am also working on figuring out who I am. It’s hard, because I think I’ve always defined myself by my relationship with other people and I’m now realizing that I am way more than my relationship with other people.
So, tonight was the last night of our 8 week meditation session. I was the first person to arrive at meditation and J (shaman, therapist) was outside building a fire. We started out inside and did a journey while J drummed. And the theme of the night was letting go. What am I ready to let go of? What do I need to let go of? And as J drummed, my light body took off to the top of a mountain, and my old friend, the Wind Goddess was blowing. I lifted my arms up and opened my hands and all of this black stuff came pouring out of my hands and blew away. I twirled in the wind on the top of this mountain and opened my mouth and howled and screamed and the Wind Goddess blew the words away so that they were no longer in my mind and my body and my heart and my soul. I felt my body becoming an empty vessel as all the stuff that does not define me left and was blown away. My mind opened and my heart opened and my soul opened, and once again, black junk poured out of me and was blown away. I saw the memories that haunt me tossing and tumbling and coming apart in the wind. And then the strangest thing…joy …pure joy…started to fill the empty places….and, in this journey, I laughed. And I saw my body and my mind and my heart and my soul start to fill with my healing pink light. When J called us back from our journeys, she had us write the things that we wanted to let go of on pieces of paper. Then we went outside, and burned these pieces of paper in the fire, and I was filled with peace. I can let go. It is a practice, J told us. We will have to let go of this stuff again and again. It will come back again and again. But, as we practice, the stuff we let go of will come back less often and we will learn to invite in what we want. I would love tonight to be the miracle where I let it go and it never came back, but I know that’s not going to be how it is. But, I have the body memory and cellular memory and light body memory of letting go…and those memories will sustain me even when I have to pry my hands open second by second.