Today

I had a really good day with my kids today.  It is winter break where we live, so we did some errands and got haircuts and colored and watched some Netflix and took some a comfy nap in the living room.  It was a nice and fairly calm day, especially for my kids.  I loved being with them.  Lately, being with my kids has seemed hard, but today was just so nice.  It’s not that my kids changed, but my attitude did.  I decided I’m not going to be as stressed as I’ve been for several weeks.  I was vigilant, but not stressed. 

I’ve been doing lots of thinking about self care lately, and what I need to do for myself so that I can be as peaceful and calm and stable as possible.  Burning candles and Palo Santo and sage after the rest of the family goes to bed has been helpful.  Making sure I have music on as often as possible is good.  I’ve been falling asleep to the sound of shamanic drumming and somehow that seems to help me keep my mind in the present.  I’ve been drinking lots of calming herbal teas.  And I’ve been making sure to eat as much protein as possible (important due to bariatric surgery) and to drink as much water as possible. 

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It is imperative that I take care of myself so that I can take care of my family.  There’s been some stuff going on with a misunderstanding with an important person in my life.  I responded to the issue, but have not heard back from the other person.  I realized yesterday that I’ve done what I can.  It’s not in my hands anymore.   I can be stressed or I can accept.  Being stressed does nothing for me or my family.  So, I am accepting.  Accepting that I probably did something that was not helpful to the other person.  Accepting that I reached out to try to figure it out as soon as I realized we had a problem. And accepting that the rest of it is out of my hands at this time.  I have to be very mindful of this decision because it comes up that I’m angry,  and I start thinking very negatively.  Then, I have to remind myself that I am accepting the situation as it is and put that thought in my head.  Which is helping me learn acceptance for my childhood.  It was.  I cannot change it.  I’m going to accept the healing process for what it is.  I can’t make it go faster.  If I have to feel a feeling again, I’m going to.  I’m where I am.  It is.  The judgements about whether or not I’m doing it right need to be gone.  The healing journey just is.

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I feel like this is a rambling post that makes not much sense.  I’m not sure how to put it all together any better.  I’m on a place of realizing that I come first, then my wife and kids.  I’m realizing I’m okay whether or not somebody else thinks I’m okay.  I’m realizing that acceptance will be the key to my healing.  What happened, happened.  What is, is.  What will be, will be.  I can really only change how I react to now.  Now can be a burden or not.  Now might be hard.  It might not be hard.  It just is.  I need to live it and accept it as it is. 

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4 thoughts on “Today

  1. This is very good for me to read right now, as I’m have some difficulty with consistent self-care. I know you are right about its importance. I guess it’s just a matter of sliding off balance (again) and then re-calibrating (again). Maybe there will be a time when it’s easier to go longer stretches without collapsing in on myself.

    Once again you are a good role model for me. I repeatedly learn from you. xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

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