Therapy Today

I emailed MT ( MY THERAPIST)on Tuesday evening, telling her I was thinking about self harm.  She emailed me back, “I hear you.   I’m here.  Hang on, Patty.”.  She was probably expecting me to arrive a mess this morning, but I did not.  I was pretty much okay.  I had just come from my primary care physician, and we talked about that appointment.  Then, I did not have much to say, so MT asked me to relax, notice my breathing, and do a body scan.  We talked about places that hurt, places that were relaxed, and weirdly, places where I felt nothing.  As we went through this process, MT  lit some sage, and placed it near me.  I love that kind of stuff.  MT sometimes burns sage, she always has a candle lit, and sometimes, she uses essential oils with me.  As the sage burned and the smoke curled around and into my thoughts and breaths and feelings, I took off my shoes and lay on the couch with my feet up on a pillow, a pillow on my abdomen, and just relaxed.  MT expressed some surprise and pleasure that I was so relaxed.  I told her that I just all of a sudden had felt so comfortable and cuddly, that I had to be more so.  We talked about how I had a Supersized trauma as a child, developed a Supersized body, adopted kids with Supersized issues, and now am in the process of losing that Supersized body.  In fact, instead of wearing the size 5’s and 6’s in my favorite big lady’s store, I am in size 3’s.  I’ve become a pretty normal sized big lady.  We talked about the stress of that.  Thank god that MT is cognizant that this process of losing a large amount of my body is not all fun and games.   It was such a nice calm and affirming session.  I love being with MT on days like today, being able to discuss and consider very important things, but without lots of drama.

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