Flashbacks, chaos, and feelings

Our oldest son is 8 years old.  He was 4 years old when he came to live with us.  He has always been challenging, but I’ve been able to look past those challenging behaviors and see this cute, funny, loving kid.  Until now.  I know he is still funny and cute and loving, but those things don’t pop out at me first right now.  What pops out at me is the chaos he creates in my family and the chaotic flashbacks and feelings that I get as a reaction. He climbed out his bedroom window and ran away this weekend.  He is 8 years old.  His bedroom window is 30 feet off the ground.  There are no porch roofs or ledges on the way down.  How he managed to do this without serious injury is beyond my comprehension.  When I discovered he was missing, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  As I drove my neighborhood and questioned everybody I saw, I sobbed and had a very hard time breathing.  We called the police.  They still has not come after 75 minutes.  A neighbor ( whom I barely knew) found him and flagged me down.  When I got out of my car and saw my son, I sobbed and let this near stranger man hug me.  Thank god for that gentleman.  Without him, I’m pretty sure I would gave just been a crumpled mess in the middle of my road.  My son craves the chaos he lived in for the first 4 years of his life and he is not comfortable with calm and peace.  I crave calmness and peacefulness.  I’m not getting it right now.  I’m getting crazy flashbacks, lots of which I thought of as resolved.  I worry so much about my son, and when I think about where he could be headed it scares me.  I feel way out of control with his behavior right now….stealing, lying, inappropriate sexual stuff, risky behavior…and tonight, I found myself craving self harm.  I don’t want to be in this place, and I’m not sure how to get out of it.  I’m going to ask the Wind Goddess to blow me in a different direction.


6 thoughts on “Flashbacks, chaos, and feelings

  1. I really hear what you are saying about caring for children with a troubled past. It can be very worrisome, I admire your commitment to him. I’m presuming that he is fostered? if so have your tried reaching out for support groups for parents of foster children? That could be a valuable resource. Try and find something that is calm and peaceful in your life so that you can hold on to that through the wild times. Even setting aside an hour for meditation, reading ect where you won’t be disturbed can help bring peace back to your life. I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are amazingly courageous and I have total respect for you. Adopting children from foster care is tough. I send you strength and I really hope that he eventually settles. Sounds like the first 4 years of his life were very tough and it makes sense he will still crave that. I completely agree with blanked15 above. You need to find something else that is calming in your life. Something that will give you that stability & courage in those moments of craziness. Are there any supports groups online maybe?


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