So, i was not completely up front about my therapy session yesterday. Not with myself, not with MT, my therapist, and not with readers of my blog. When I ripped up and burned those words, i ended up very conflicted and did not at all feel the relief I thought I would. I want more than anything to let go of the stuff on that lisy, but my hands seem very tightly clenched around a couple of those things, so clenched in fact, that sometimes I think I think that they are wrapped around me and squezzing the life out of me just as a gigantic boa constrictor would. I’m pretty sure I got really dissociated and while I was dissociated, I had like a 10 minute back and forth discussion with MT about what to do with those ashes. MT called it a game in an email she sent me. I think there were younger parts of me scared that letting go means forgetting. I’m not going to forget. I just need to not have this stuff taking over my life anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore that the abusers blocked me from using the bathroom; there are always bathrooms available to me and if somebody ever tried to block one again, I would understand that whatever I had to do would not make me a gross and disgusting person. I also know that whether or not the abusers tried to prevent me from carrying a baby, I now have three awesome children. But it was so bad, and those parts had to fight really hard to survive. They do not want to be forgotten. They think by making me constantly remember that it will keep my guard up and protect me. So I guess MT and I need to work on that. Only problem is, she’s mad at me I think. Because I was dissociated, I didn’t realize how much time passed, and when I really wanted her to come outside with me to get rid of those asbes, my session time was really over. This is what she told me in her email. I think she’s right. She also told me she does not go outside her building with her clients. I did not realize that was one of her boundaries. If I had, I think I would have come up with another solution, so that she would be with me. I was angry once I burned the piece of paper, because I did not feel the immediate release and relief I expected to and I was mad, but I didn’t want to tell MT because I thought I had done it wrong somehow. So I expected MT to read my mind. And she couldn’t. So I let my anger get directed in the wrong direction. At all points, my anger should be directed at the abusers. MT is just trying to help me release myself from the Hell of my past. Now I have to face her on Tuesday. She said in her email to me that she thinks I’m trying to make my fear of her leaving me come true. I hope not. I don’t want her to leave me. I need her to guide me on this healing journey. There are not many therapists who can face the stuff I’ve been through and remain strong, boundaried, ethical, and not taking over the healing. She makes suggestions, but I take the lead. And that’s how I want it to be. MT is so sure of her therapeutic skills, that she is not afraid to follow the client’s lead and still know that she can do a good job guiding and lighting the way.