Usually, even though therapy is not necessarily fun, I leave feeling connected to MT, my therapist, and feeling like I’m moving in the right direction. Today, I left totally pissed off and I can’t let go of how incredibly mad I am. The session started off great…we looked at and talked about a creation I did of all sorts of stuff falling out of my hands. It was kind of poking fun at my therapy process because I often find a quote or picture that speaks to me and I bring it to therapy and MT says, hold on to that. Yesterday, I brought something in, and she said it again, and I joked around that my hands were not big enough for all of this stuff. So, that was good.
Then we looked at this. A dandelion type of flower with stuff that I thought I was ready to let go of. I read the items, and then I ripped up and burned this paper. There were a couple of items that I choked over when I read it and I asked if I should cross them off. It was totally weird because there were a couple of times it was difficult to rip the paper, and it was the words I had choked on, and then a couple of the shreds seemed to not want to burn, and once again, I could see the words I had choked on. These words that wouldn’t rip and burn easily were things that really haunt me and I really want them gone. So I worked hard to get it all burned to ashes. Then we smudged the whole office with sage to rid it of the toxins from the poison energy from the words. Then MT asked me what I wanted to do with the ashes and suggested that I flush them down the toilet, wash them down the sink, or throw them in the garbage. I didn’t want to do those things because I did not want the ashes contained in any way. I said that I wanted to dump them outside so they could blow away and scatter and not be concentrated. I asked MT to come with me and she said no, it was my task. I still can’t put into words why it was so important to me that she come with me, I just know that MT witnessed the rest of the process, so why not this part? I begged her, and she kept asking why it was so important. Then I was quiet, and she said I was pouting. Finally, she said that she would walk to the door with me but not come outside. She said she had another client, so she couldn’t come outside. I had started asking her 15 minutes before our session was done. I said forget it and stomped out and dumped the ashes outside. But, I’m so mad. Still am. Sent her several emails. She replied twice, once wondering what I was reading into this. The other time to tell me she hoped I would be able to make a connection about what was going on for me and that she would not have email available for the weekend, so she wished me the best. Oh, and she said she did nothing out of malice. I know she wasn’t being malicious, but I don’t understand why she couldn’t just come outside with me. It just feels like having that witnessed was important. Can’t I just be mad at her without it being about something else? Maybe somebody who reads this might have some insight for me. This is,really hard, because I really want to hurt me, but I also am not understanding that reaction. I also want to not go back to therapy. Or maybe find a new therapist. All of those reactions seem too severe. Maybe there is something else going on for me, but I don’t know what. Any ideas would be helpful, because I’m baffled.