Therapy sucked today.

Usually, even though therapy is not necessarily fun, I leave feeling connected to MT, my therapist, and feeling like I’m moving in the right direction.  Today, I left totally pissed off and I can’t let go of how incredibly mad I am.  The session started off great…we looked at and talked about a creation I did of all sorts of stuff falling out of my hands.  It was kind of poking fun at my therapy process because I often find a quote or picture that speaks to me and I bring it to therapy and MT says, hold on to that.  Yesterday, I brought something in, and she said it again, and I joked around that my hands were not big enough for all of this stuff.  So, that was good.

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Then we looked at this.  A dandelion type of flower with stuff that I thought I was ready to let go of.  I read the items, and then I ripped up and burned this paper.  There were a couple of items that I choked over when I read it and I asked if I should cross them off.  It was totally weird because there were a couple of times it was difficult to rip the paper, and it was the words I had choked on, and then a couple of the shreds seemed to not want to burn, and once again, I could see the words I had choked on.  These words that wouldn’t rip and burn easily were things that really haunt me and I really want them gone.  So I worked hard to get it all burned to ashes.  Then we smudged the whole office with sage to rid it of the toxins from the poison energy from the words.  Then MT asked me what I wanted to do with the ashes and suggested that I flush them down the toilet, wash them down the sink, or throw them in the garbage.  I didn’t want to do those things because I did not want the ashes contained in any way.  I said that I wanted to dump them outside so they could blow away and scatter and not be concentrated.  I asked MT to come with me and she said no, it was my task.  I still can’t put into words why it was so important to me that she come with me, I just know that MT witnessed the rest of the process, so why not this part?  I begged her, and she kept asking why it was so important.  Then I was quiet, and she said I was pouting.  Finally, she said that she would walk to the door with me but not come outside.   She said she had another client, so she couldn’t come outside.  I had started asking her 15 minutes before our session was done.   I said forget it and stomped out and dumped the ashes outside.  But, I’m so mad.  Still am.  Sent her several emails.   She replied twice, once wondering what I was reading into this.  The other time to tell me she hoped I would be able to make a connection about what was going on for me and that she would not have email available for the weekend, so she wished me the best.  Oh, and she said she did nothing out of malice.  I know she wasn’t being malicious, but I don’t understand why she couldn’t just come outside with me.  It just feels like having that witnessed was important.   Can’t I just be mad at her without it being about something else?  Maybe somebody who reads this might have some insight for me.  This is,really hard, because I really want to hurt me, but I also am not understanding that reaction.  I also want to not go back to therapy.  Or maybe find a new therapist.   All of those reactions seem too severe.  Maybe there is something else going on for me,  but I don’t know what.  Any ideas would be helpful, because I’m baffled.

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14 thoughts on “Therapy sucked today.

  1. I am SO SO sorry that what seemed to be a great connecting point in therapy today – a closure, a really big moment for you turned out to be something that ended in anger and disconnection.

    I do have to say I am pretty shocked that your therapist didn’t take this a little more serious as burning something and letting that go is a very big moment! There have been times my therapist would ask me if I wanted to go outside and take a walk with him in the back … just to release some energy. Had I asked my therapist to come out and watch me rid of something so powerful, he would be jumping for joy!

    Honestly, I don’t think this was about you. I think this is more about your therapist and the possible logistics she may have about “being outside the therapy office”.. there may be some kind of rule for “her” or “her office” to where stepping outside the therapy office with a client is not logistically okay with her. Not all therapist are okay with doing things like that.

    BUT I have to say, she was very unprofessional about how she handled her word “NO”, especially it being such a big moment for you. That could have been very damaging for you, and I think it’s somerhing you need to talk to her about. This should have been handled with CARE and if she couldn’t step outside with you, she should have been gentle with her reasons why.

    You have every right to have the feelings you are having and it’s important to express those to her! I will say a prayer of connection for you over the weekend ….. I am truly sorry you had a bad experience with something so important and big!

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  2. Hi Patty, it is so strong and brave of you to let go of these painful thoughts. I feel sad that a ritual that should have brought you a sense of relief and strength was squashed my your therapist’s unwillingness, in the middle of everything, to go that last step with you. Who knows why she pulled back, (Karen Beth has some possible explanations that make sense), but I would also have had a lot of difficulty with that. (In fact it reminds me a little of my feeling from Monday’s session with E., except worse. And after Monday’s therapy, I also thought of ending therapy with her and for the first time, I spent time online investigating other therapists that take my insurance.)
    I can imagine it felt to you like she wasn’t willing to go the whole way with you, that she wasn’t fully committed the way you thought she was. You have trusted her so much, and then she suddenly backs off at the last part of a key symbolic moment. I can see how that could be immensely triggering. Obviously that is a guess, and please ignore if it’s off base.
    I am very impressed that are ready to let go of those toxic thoughts. What progress! Please don’t lose sight of that because of your therapist’s mistake! You truly are a warrior, worthy of admiration, beautiful, strong, and entirely different than your abusers.

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  3. Patti what comes up for me when reading this is that many of us face these challenges alone and when we find a therapist we connect to, one who we believe can support us on the journey to healing, and they let us down especially at a time when we are vunerable, it is natural for us to question whether or not they are right fit. My advice would be listen to that. Who knows why she did what she did. I too am baffled as to why she would take you part way and then abandon you because it seems like abandonment for me. I’d have a hard time trusting that she could support me through another session like the one above. So sorry this happened and that what could have been an amazing release for you ended in anger.

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  4. I am so sorry that what should have been wonderful has turned into hurt and frustration for you. I would be upset at her refusing to finish this ceremony and go outside with you too.

    I don’t know what her issue with going outside is, but it definitely feels like an issue of hers. It was something you were experiencing together and why shouldn’t it be completed together. Therapy is so much about having someone with you when you are facing your dragons. Those of us who have been abused have had plenty of time facing our demons alone.
    And even while undergoing therapy, most of the time we are facing them alone. I wish I could be more helpful. I can’t think how you could be anything but angry. Perhaps viewing this as her having too rigid boundaries about leaving her office would help? I do think you should go to your next session and talk about this and express all your anger and find out what her reasons were. I hope you can find some peace in the meantime . Perhaps think about other times in therapy when she was there for you in a very meaningful way. It might help balance some of the emotions you are feeling.

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  5. I think that I need to write a new blog post. I did leave very angry from my therapy session but one of the things I know is that I could not put in words what was going on for me until I left my session. I have to write more, but I need to think more before I do.

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  6. I’m sorry this went so awry for you, Patty. What is coming to me is that this one situation was very painful, and understandably so. You felt abandoned at a time you were leaning into her for support, and directly asking that a need be met. And she didn’t meet that need. That is a very painful experience, especially considering your history. That said, your therapist has demonstrated a level of support and care that I can hope you can lean back into, and remember, even when upset. It seems this situation showed you some of her “humanness,” some of her own boundaries or discomforts perhaps, and that is hard for us as clients to see. We are so used to them NOT being transparent in that way. It is jarring. I hope you’ve been able to find a little comfort this weekend.

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    • Rachel, you are so right. It was a boundary of hers that I was unknowingly asking her to cross. She wrote me an email and within it stated that she does not leave her building with her clients. She also told me I have the time line wrong , which I’m really not surprised about. I was kind of dissociated. I think some parts of me were really upset that I might be letting go of and perhaps forgetting that stuff. And now I think MT is mad at me. She told me it’s fine with her if I need to over on to another therapist. But I don’t want another therapist. MT has done so much in teaching me to heal. I had another therapist with whom I got really angry and she terminated me. I hope MT will not do that. I’m really scared right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hold on and go back to a session with her. She is only human too and obviously felt uncomfortable to leave the building with you. (Professional boundaries as others stated).Tell her that you felt hurt and I am sure she will talk it through with you. I can understand your frustration of not sharing such an important moment with the person that has supported you so much. Hugs and look after yourself.

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