More than a year ago, I met the Wavemaster (I Beat the Hell out of the Wavemaster). I actually ended up purchasing my own Wavemaster and I use it for exercise and working on aggression issues with my children. I have not actually had the nerve to use it in the way I was introduced to it (because I was afraid of sliding over an edge I could not save myself from). Well, a couple of weeks ago, MT (my therapist), suggested that I might want to go back to use the Wavemaster for what I bought it for. I asked her if we could go back to the karate studio, and she said no, I think you’re capable of doing this on your own. Ugh. Fuck.
I’ve been in the anger phase of grief for awhile now. Mostly just talking about being angry. The other day, I was talking about this crazy thing the abusers did which was denying me access to the bathroom. Ugh. It’s gross. It makes me totally embarrassed to even mention this, and, no, I’m not going into details. I felt lightning bolts in my belly and coming out my fingers and toes and the top of my head. Then, at home, I came to the realization that some of my friends seem to be totally unavailable……which is okay, because sometimes everybody needs to unplug…I get it…just this feels like more than that. I could be wrong about it being more than people needing to unplug…but I was already pissed off, and and I got even more pissed off. I put on the Pink Pandora station really loud and headed to the basement. First, I spent some time cleaning and doing laundry. Then I picked up my baseball bat and smashed the Wavemaster many times. Then I put on my boxing gloves, and totally beat the fucking Wavemaster until it was cryng for mercy. I swore and yelled and cried and punched and jabbed and kicked that thing. Then when I was worn out, I sat in a chair and felt the younger parts of me with me and started talking to them the way MT has me talk out loud to them in my office. This is pretty much how the conversation went.
“I know it’s scary to feel all alone, but you are not all alone. I am here and I can take care of us. I am a warrior and you are a warrior and together, we are okay. I am capable of taking care of both of us and we don’t need people who don’t want to or can’t be here right now. We will be okay. There are so many people who love and care about us. You are allowed to be angry. You can be mad at the abusers for the stuff they did to you. It was not fair to not let you in the bathroom. You were not gross. Everybody needs to go to the bathroom. You did what you had to do. It’s okay. Don’t be ashamed. You are not gross and you are not disgusting. We don’t have to be afraid to go to the bathroom now. Nobody is going to block the door and if somebody tried to, I would beat them just like I just beat the Wavemaster. You can be mad anytime you want and when you are, we will come down here and beat up Mr. Wavemaster. We are okay, and I will take care of you no matter what”. And you know what, this worked. I felt soothed in the end and okay to go on with the rest of my day. I made a pledge to myself to keep checking in with the younger parts of me and to help them express themselves and their feelings.