I have been so angry at JoAnn, my last therapist because of the way she treated me. I’ve texted her a couple of times, and basically, I’ve asked for an explanation of what went wrong at the end of our therapy. I really want her to tell me that her brain tumor caused problems and to apologize. I’ve come to realize I’m never going to get that apology, and also that, really, it’s not her that I really want the apology from. I want the apology from my parents, but any time we’ve come close to talking about my childhood, I’ve heard this, “it was not that bad” and “that never happened”, and, the most ludicrous, one time, “I hope we never did anything so bad that you are permanently damaged”. WTF? Yes. I am pretty permanently damaged with physical and emotional scarring.
I think the above quote can be taken in a couple of different ways. I am not able to take it as I should accept the apology I never got, because if the abusers could, they would apologize. I’m taking it as I guess I need to accept that the apology is not coming. That they really were not meant to be parents. That they could not be my parents. That they will never be the parents I want. I think accepting this apology that I never got is yet another step in my grieving process. I think that wanting that apology from JoAnn was kind of the bargaining stage….if I can get this apology from JoAnn, then maybe I can bring okay without getting it from other abusers. Well, I can be okay with no apology. This abuse WAS NOT my fault. And I can know that even without the abusers telling me.
(By the way, I’m reading, listening to, and studying this book. I think it will be very influential in my healing process.)