Who do I really want an apology from?

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I have been so angry at JoAnn, my last therapist because of the way she treated me.  I’ve texted her a couple of times, and basically, I’ve asked for an explanation of what went wrong at the end of our therapy.  I really want her to tell me that her brain tumor caused problems and to apologize.  I’ve come to realize I’m never going to get that apology,  and also that, really, it’s not her that I really want the apology from.  I want the apology from my parents, but any time we’ve come close to talking about my childhood, I’ve heard this, “it was not that bad” and “that never happened”, and, the most ludicrous,  one time, “I hope we never did anything so bad that you are permanently damaged”.  WTF? Yes. I am pretty permanently damaged with physical and emotional scarring. 

I think the above quote can be taken in a couple of different ways.  I am not able to take it as I should accept the apology I never got, because if the abusers could, they would apologize.   I’m taking it as I guess I need to accept that the apology is not coming.  That they really were not meant to be parents.  That they could not be my parents.  That they will never be the parents I want.  I think accepting this apology that I never got is yet another step in my grieving process.  I think that wanting that apology from JoAnn was kind of the bargaining stage….if I can get this apology from JoAnn, then maybe I can bring okay without getting it from other abusers.  Well, I can be okay with no apology.  This abuse WAS NOT my fault.  And I can know that even without the abusers telling me.

(By the way, I’m reading, listening to, and studying this book.  I think it will be very influential in my healing process.)

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4 thoughts on “Who do I really want an apology from?

  1. Wow, you spelled out a clear rendering of what it took for you to get to a understanding of how damaged our parents were and how we will never get from them something so important.. But if they were the kind of parents who could see their behavior hurt a precious child of theirs then they would have also been a parent who would have never done it in the first place..
    Good for you and keep writing to tell us how you are continuing to get healthier .. It helps me get to a healthier place too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is tough. Anger is tough, wanting recognition for past wrong-doing is tough to sit with. Ultimately, I think you are onto something here. It has to be generated internally. As does everything, I suppose. Good work here.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I truly love that quote, Patty. It is very hard to accept it, I agree. I think my dad should never have been a parent but what can I do about that now. That book looks incredible, by the way. I think I will get it. You know what? We have all been worked over, so you are not alone. There should be a licensing process and an application to be a parent!

    Like

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