So, I guess you might have surmised from my last blog post that I’ve been having lots of body memories. I still think it’s the PAP smear gone wrong that’s triggering everything. My body is sounding the alarm….OMG! It just happened again! Weren’t you paying attention? Where were you? Are you crazy? Why did you just lay there? Do you remember what happened before? Do you remember how they sucked a baby right out of me? Do you remember how I bled? Do you remember getting raped? Do you remember the poor bladder nearly bursting when they wouldn’t let you pee? Do you remember? Don’t let it happen again!
Ugh. The body memories were the topic of today’s therapy session, and MT coached through talking to my body…out loud, for Pete’s sake. You know. I love MT, but sometimes I wonder if she wants me to squirm. I was so resistant to talking to my body today, that MT finally said she would close her eyes. She did, and after several moments, I said, okay, I’m done. She opened her eyes and said I didn’t hear anything. I told her I spoke in sign language. I got one little chuckle and was sternly told, OUT LOUD. So I did. Along the lines of my last post. I hate this talking out loud stuff, but I will begrudgingly admit, it almost always helps. I said the stuff, and I cried, and I coughed, and I threw up. I hate that part of this stuff. I REALLY hate throwing up. And it embarrasses the hell out of me, the noise this body of mine makes when I vomit. I swear, MT thinks the noises are funny and that my reactions are even funnier.
Well, I got done with all of the above and was sweating and breathing hard, and what did I notice? The ache in my pelvic area and pain other places…sharp, stabbing, shooting pain…GONE! Freaking MT is right all the time. She’s pretty smart, even if I’m mad at her lots of times.
So, we do the breathing in of pink good stuff, breathing out the black yucky Fucking bullshit. And all seemed well, except I wanted to take a nap right there on her couch, and she had a brand new client waiting. MT commented that she expected I would feel like I got run over by a truck. Nope, I feel like I got run over by an Army convoy, complete with tanks.
So, there you go. I’m pretty sure that the body memories have not totally vacated the place and moved out of our galaxy, but at least I have a better handle on how to get them to relent. I think that my body just wants to make sure that I’m not going to let that stuff happen again. I’m pretty convinced that my body is unsure of its ability to survive that kind of Hell and torture and abuse again.