So, I went to therapy today even though I didn’t want to. And I cried. And cried. Big surprise…not really. I hate where I am right now, but I’m working hard on just letting it be. MT says it just is, I should try not too judge it. I should just let myself be….if I need to cry, I should cry…..even if it’s for the 6th or 7th therapy session in a row. I cried today that I’m derailed and I don’t find the tracks and I actually have no idea of what direction to even look in. MT told me I’ll find the tracks again, but they might look different than the ones I was on. That scares me. She also said that I’ve had a really big setback, and she expects setbacks, and that once again, it just is. I shouldn’t judge myself. I’m not sure I’m judging myself, but I’m really mad that the setback may not have happened to this extent without the stupidity of a medical professional. I think added to this setback is the fact that I Facebook stalked my last therapist….who was emotionally abusive to me….who it turned out had a brain tumor….and I saw a comment that she made to somebody that she doesn’t know if she could work as she has some brain damage…and I want to scream and stomp on her Facebook page that no, she can’t work. I made great progress with her for a year and then she got all snarky and mean and I thought that I was doing something wrong…but, it was all in line with the development of symptoms from that brain tumor, and it’s not her surgery or the treatment causing her brain damage, it was actually the tumor and she became abusive. She cannot abuse more clients. She told me I was too traumatized to heal, but it was her traumatizing me at the time. Ugh. Just ugh.
I’ve been so thankful for becoming more of who I think I was meant to be before I got so hurt by the abusers. I was truly seeing myself as a warrior even when I had some down and our days. But, now, I feel like I might have been a fraud. I’m not a warrior. I’m falling apart. MT says I should be falling apart, that it makes sense. But, I feel like I lost that part of me…or maybe I imagined that part of me. I don’t know.