Therapy today part 2

So, I went to therapy today even though I didn’t want to.  And I cried.  And cried.  Big surprise…not really.  I hate where I am right now, but I’m working hard on just letting it be.  MT says it just is, I should try not too judge it.  I should just let myself be….if I need to cry, I should cry…..even if it’s for the 6th or 7th therapy session in a row.  I cried today that I’m derailed and I don’t find the tracks and I actually have no idea of what direction to even look in.  MT told me I’ll find the tracks again, but they might look different than the ones I was on.  That scares me.  She also said that I’ve had a really big setback, and she expects setbacks, and that once again, it just is.  I shouldn’t judge myself.  I’m not sure I’m judging myself, but I’m really mad that the setback may not have happened to this extent without the stupidity of a medical professional.  I think added to this setback is the fact that I Facebook stalked my last therapist….who was emotionally abusive to me….who it turned out had a brain tumor….and I saw a comment that she made to somebody that she doesn’t know if she could work as she has some brain damage…and I want to scream and stomp on her Facebook page that no, she can’t work.  I made great progress with her for a year and then she got all snarky and mean and I thought that I was doing something wrong…but, it was all in line with the development of symptoms from that brain tumor, and it’s not her surgery or the treatment causing her brain damage, it was actually the tumor and she became abusive.  She cannot abuse more clients.  She told me I was too traumatized to heal,  but it was her traumatizing me at the time. Ugh.  Just ugh. 

I’ve been so thankful for becoming more of who I think I was meant to be before I got so hurt by the abusers.  I was truly seeing myself as a warrior even when I had some down and our days.  But, now, I feel like I might have been a fraud.  I’m not a warrior.  I’m falling apart.  MT says I should be falling apart, that it makes sense.   But, I feel like I lost that part of me…or maybe I imagined that part of me.  I don’t know.   

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8 thoughts on “Therapy today part 2

  1. I think there is a time for fighting, but one cannot repress all the time and expect things to be resolved, so I can see where your therapist is coming from. Not that I would know much about it, and that experience with your prior therapist must have been a nightmare. It can’t instill much confidence, but you certainly have no cause to blame yourself.

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  2. ” I was truly seeing myself as a warrior even when I had some down and our days.” Yes, yes, yes! TRUST that you are that warrior. At our essences, we are warriors, we are compassionate beings, we are tough as nails, and we are soft and loving. I’m sorry for your difficulties and struggles. You will make it through.

    Have you ever done any type of healing work to help your physical body release the trauma still stuck in it? From reading about it, and also from personal experience, I’ve learned that we can hold traumatic emotional crap in our bodies’ tissues. I am going to do a series of Rolfing this fall, as soon as I finish some home renovations we’re in the middle of. I’ve never done it, but it helps loosen up connective tissue, and can release old trauma (as can massage, for the muscles). My pelvic girdle (low back and hips in particular) is pretty stiff, contracted, and painful from time to time- no big surprise.

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  3. Setbacks are very upsetting. We work HARD to get better, and we see progress and feel hope… and then it seems to slip away again. I have done this and tell my therapist, “I always end up back in the same place again,” but she responds, “Now you have so many more skills to pull yourself up again; you get stronger every time.” I hope what she says is your experience as well.

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