I’ve had to undergo lots of medical testing lately to get ready for my weight loss surgery.  I’m pretty whiny and anxious when it comes to medical people touching and examining my body, but I’ve managed to keep a stiff upper lip and be pretty okay with everything. …until Monday.  I had to have my annual PAP smear.  I’ve only ever had one physician do my PAP smears (as I did not start going for them in my mid 30’s), but this doctor was not available until December and I had to have it done before my surgery which I am hoping to have done in November.  And my annual visits with my doctor have never been difficult.  Always right in and out with lots of talking and explanations.  So, I was assigned to have my appointment with a physician’s assistant.   I was a little anxious,  but not in an outlandish way.  I even managed to arrive at my appointment all happy and joked around with the receptionist and the nurse.  Then I changed into my gown and sat on the examining table waiting.  Still no more than a little anxious.   A woman came in and introduced herself, saying she was a nurse practioner.  I figured the physician’s assistant must not be in today, and shrugged it off.  I really was not phased as I did not know either person.  So, it comes time for the fun stuff.  She says I’m going ti feel her hand on my thigh and the speculum being inserted.  I feel that.  OT hurt a little, but no big deal.  Then she stops talking, and I’m sure I feel her doing the swabby thing because that always hurts me more.  Some tears spring to my eyes, but I’m still okay, because it’s almost over.  Well, no.  She took the speculum out, and started all over again, pushing really hard. This time it really hurts and I say ow.  She apologizes, and stops talking again.  I feeling things in and out of me and really start sobbing.  The lady is no longer talking.  I’m in severe pain.  I’m almost gone from the room.  Visions of my mother hurting me flit by me. I’m sobbing like a little kid being hurt, even though I know that’s not the case.  Finally, after like the 6th try, she says, well, I can’t find your cervix.  I’m going to go get help.  And who does she come back with?  The freaking physician’s assistant I was supposed to see in the first place.  Now there are two people looking at my lady parts.  The PA does the whole PAP smear in like 10 seconds.  Then, I am done.  I keep wiping my parts as I am getting dressed because everything feels incredibly oozy.  Then I leave and go yo the bathroom, where I wipe again and again.  It’s not the lube they use…this stuff is actually coming from my body.  I start understanding that things are bruised and raw and I have awful cramps.  I get in the car and cry for 10 minutes and then call my wife who is incensed that this happened.  By the time I get home, I can barely sit and when I pee, the urine hitting parts makes me want to scream.  Two days later, it’s not much better.  I called the doctor.   She says it should subside on it’s own, physically.  Meanwhile, I’m having lots of flashbacks of being hurt.  I had therapy today.  MT says that the flashbacks are to be expected.  And we talked about what I could do differently the next time…like tell the person to keep talking and to ask for somebody different after the first or 2nd failed attempt.   We also talked with my little girl parts about how that was a necessary exam, and that while I got hurt, I am still safe and I am still taking care of all my little parts.  We talked about how maybe I did not speak up soon enough, and how even adults can get very scared.  We talked about the adult me being in charge.  Then I spent some time crying very hard about the whole experience and about the flashbacks and about what happened to me when I was younger.  Then I spent time being mad about what happened to me as a child to put me into a place where I was having flashbacks.  I love when MT helps me talk to those younger parts of me.  It helps all of me feel so cared about.  I know when she helps me to find the words to say to the younger parts, she is also saying them to the adult me.  You are safe here.  That’s the biggest one.  I am safe in her room.  I am safe with MT. I also love when I’m crying and talking about the stuff that happens to me and she says, I’m so sorry that happened to you.  Usually, I get really mad at people who say that because they did not do it, but when MT says it, I know she really means it.


7 thoughts on “Ugh.

  1. This brought tears to my eyes. I truly am so sorry that the incompetent PA hurt you. She should have asked for help a heck of a lot sooner if she knew she couldn’t do her job. I’m glad that your T is so supportive. You deserve it. Sending you lots of healing thoughts and gentle hugs. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You deserve only the best care. What a doofus that idiot is and was. No one should put any medical device in her hands. I tend to turn completely child-like in a medical situation; vulnerable, in pain, in a powerless situation or one that feels like that due to my having to receive whatever care the other has to offer, so almost victim to it. And too many suck at it. A lot of nurses can’t even take an accurate blood pressure.
    I felt comforted having my husband with me during this last bout of medical issues and I think it also makes the practitioner more careful about their actions because another person is there observing. If possible, try to take an advocate with you. I never could until my husband retired. A friend once would have come had I had the gumption to ask her, but I didn’t. I guess it was the old throw back of being so on my own much of my life, forging on ahead the best I could and alone. But others are there if I ask.
    I am truly sorry for her freaking incompetence. No excuse. You could write a letter to the manager of the office and really let them have it. It’s unheard of no matter how much they try to brush it off. They deserve to know how horrible they are and how much you were hurt due to their blase attitudes, and i might even include the possibility of consulting an attorney and getting a second opinion of possible damage done but such an incompetent, harmful exam that is second nature for those that know how to do it. Such idiots. Has that nurse even been properly trained with the correct credentials?
    I never heard of that happening before. Next time insist on seeing the doctor, or whoever you feel knows what the hell they are doing. I’m incensed. You should not have been subjected to such extreme incompetency and it has nothing to do about you and your ability to scream NO. You shouldn’t have to. And who could, lying like that exposed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry for what you went through. PAPs can be triggering when done correctly, never mind if they are bungled. And here, you were doing so very well before this incompetent PA. Sigh. You could report her when you feel up to it. Best wishes for your weight loss surgery.


  4. I am so upset this happened to you. There is significant issue with the medical system and sensitivity to trauma, particulary sexual trauma. I could relate with my own experience of having a cervical biopsy done a few years ago, where I left mid-procedure, bleeding, crying and hyperventilating. I’m sorry this happened, and I hope you are being extra tender with yourself as your body and heart heal.


  5. My blood is boiling for you. I’m so glad your relationship with MT is so good and that you feel safe with her, and that she was able to help you process your whole miserable pap visit and the idiot who needs a whole lot more practice (and not on you). It took me back to when I was in labor with my daughter and I was alone in the hospital and barely 15 years old. Because it was a teaching hospital, groups of interns did rounds and asked if they could check my cervix dilation. I wish there had been someone there to tell them to stay the hell out of my room. Of course I said yes, and had hand after hand after hand using me like guinea pig teaching tool. I will not submit to someone learning on my body again. Ever. They can learn on someone else.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel so angry on your behalf, at so many levels. One, the nurse practitioner doesn’t know how to do her job. Two, you are sobbing, for heaven’s sake, and she’s not tending to your feelings? Three, she *hurts* you for heaven’s sake, and she just keeps doing it. You just deserve so much better. I’m glad MT gets you and can help you, but that’s really not good enough. Why is it that so few medical doctors remember they are treating human beings? (I can feel myself about to go on a rant about my own doctor whom I’ve disliked for years, but I’ll save that for a post of my own one of these days…).

    Hoping you feel better soon, sending hugs your way, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for all of your comments. It helps,so much to have other people angry at that nurse with me. My head tends to go towards, it must not have been that bad, otherwise, she would have stopped. Your words are very validating for me. Thank you so much.


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