I’m still doing the damned grief thing. Only now it seems that I have anger fireworks triggered by any little emotional movement within my brain, mind, spirit, and heart. I’m angry about everything that happened to me. I’m angry that I am still dealing with it and the abusers are not. I’m angry that my body still bears scars from the abuse and from the abuse I continued when they finally stopped. I’m angry that parts of my body don’t work quite right thanks to the abuse. I’m angry about the nightmares and flashbacks and the cost of therapy and medication. I’m angry about the time I still have to give to this abuse stuff. I want to be able to just be able to turn my back on this stuff and be Fucking done.
My last therapy session was kind of weird. I went to see MT with a list of stuff that I’m angry about regarding the abuse. We talked about some of the stuff on that list and I was actually quite loud about it and I think feeling the power of how angry I am. And then I started crying loudly and deeply, and I said I don’t know why I’m crying if I’m angry and I tried to stop. MT just said, let it out, purge it from your body, so I continued crying and after a few minutes, my body kind of lurched, MT pretty much threw a trash can at me, and I threw up, loudly, twice. I was so embarrassed and red faced, and said, ugh. I’m so sorry. MT just smiled and said, that’s what I mean. It’s time to purge those toxins from your body. She told me to breathe, gathered up the trash bag, left with it, and came back, and she smudged me and the office with sage. And then she told me that this would probably happen again. I was kind of hanging my head, and said I hoped not. And she just laughed.
I’m also noticing that with this grief stuff, I feel a huge need to see MT. I’m actually concerned everyday that she might cancel the next session. She has only cancelled one session in the year and a half since I’ve been seeing her, but I get scared that the more I feel I need her, the more she won’t be there. This is old stuff. From my parents and from my last therapist. MT tells me to repeat after her: that is old stuff. It does not apply anymore. I keep trying to remember that. I have to miss a session in a couple of weeks for a really happy occasion for my family and me, and I’m really upset that I’m going to miss that session. I feel such a heavy burden with this grief, that I just want it gone, and I feel like missing any session will just make it take that much longer until the burden is lighter. But, then I have to breathe, and remind myself that the grief is old. My life right now is pretty good, and will be even better after the upcoming happy day. So I need to remember that the pain and grief are not now. I can actually work on the pain and grief at anytime. It does not have to be on any particular day. I need to live in the present when I am not at therapy and not working on therapy stuff. And I don’t have to work on therapy stuff on that happy day. I get to just be happy. I think I may need to work with the younger parts of me on that because I think that they feel a sense of urgency to be noticed and taken care of. I think they think I might forget them if they are not at the forefront, much as I was sure my mother would leave a store without me if I was not right next to her when I was a little girl. Wow, there is lots of stuff to work on! Therapy is hard stuff. But I have to also remember that my life is pretty good.
I think that I also have to remember that happy events can be stressful and anxiety provoking, both for me as an adult and for those child parts. As an adult, it is stressful because there are many things I have to do to prepare for the day. For example, I switched Internet providers yesterday. I never looked at the modem. Today, I found that there was no easy way to connect my wireless printer to the Internet, yet I had to print some documents for the happy day. I finally found my way yo a person who could help me, but it took a couple of hours of several calls and being on hold and transferred. I was in tears and anxious beyond belief. My child parts are stressed because occasions that were supposed ti be happy always ended in chaos and me getting hurt.
So there you go. This is a rambling post. Tomorrow, I have therapy. Judging by how I feel, it’s going to be a crying day. Maybe that will change by tomorrow. I hope it will be a calm, no puking day.