Therapy Today

Maybe I am just a total whackadoo.  I could not wait to go to therapy today.  Yesterday,  my nurse practitioner who prescribes my mental health medications asked me if I had ever had surgery while we were talking about me having bariatric surgery.  I replied that I had my wisdom teeth out with novocaine and then I took a really deep breath, and said that the closest thing I ever had to surgery was having an abortion.  The NP did not blink or hesitate, just moved on.  I was thankful for the fact that she did not try to dig.  I had two abortions due to getting pregnant from being sexually abused.  I lost another pregnancy due to having it beaten out of me.  Thinking about the abortions and the other lost pregnancy yesterday made me cry, alot.  Then I started thinking about my ob/gyn telling me about how difficult it would be for me to get pregnant and carry a baby (I was in my 30’s) due to all of the scarring I have.  I actually never wanted to be pregnant; my wife and I adopted our boys.  But what if I had wanted to be pregnant?  Why do I have to have life long reminders of the abuse I went through?  I am so freaking mad about that.  When I went to therapy today, I intended to process that anger with MT, my therapist.   Then I was late to therapy due to the crazy road construction around these parts.  Being late to therapy, a whole 7 minutes, makes me extremely nervous.  MT seems to take that lateness personally, like it’s a comment on not wanting to be there.  Actually, I would have only been 3 minutes late, but I really wanted to stop for coffee.  Usually though, I leave at the time I left today, stop for coffee, and am still 5-7 minutes early.  Then, when I sat down, I encountered a problem that happens to me all the time.  I don’t recognize faces.  I recognize voices, hair, shoes, cars.  But not faces.  And it was like I had a problem recognizing MT today.  She was wearing different shoes than usual.  Maybe her hair was different.  I don’t know.  But I sat down, she asked me what I wanted to work on, and all of a sudden, I didn’t know it was her.  I kept looking at her, and finally MT told me I was making her uncomfortable staring at her.  So then I tried looking everywhere else in the room.  I looked at the collage I made that represented being a warrior to me (the only piece of client artwork she has in her office), I looked at all of her pictures of horses, I looked at her tattoo on her leg.  Finally, MT asked me if I could talk.  I shook my head no.  I had started wondering if talking about how mad I was at the permanent damage to my body and the thought of little babies being sucked out of my body, that this might be something that could shake her and tell me that she could no longer work with me.  After 25 minutes, I  was finally able to tell her what was going on in my head, and we did some talking, and then our time was done.  Now I’m mad at myself for wasting that 25 minutes because I’m stuck with the anger and the grief.  I can write it, but falling apart and crying or screaming with my wife and children around is just not okay with me.  The other thing I’m grieving now, being sad and angry about, is that I trust MT more than anybody besides my wife.  And sometimes, I’m afraid that my trust in her is a mistake.  And that comes from two places.  First it comes from telling my last therapist some stuff I had never said before, and her telling me that I was too traumatized to heal.  That always makes me wonder where MT’s limits are, even though she always tells me she can take care of herself.  Also, my family of origin always looked like a picture perfect family.  The pictures in the family albums make me wonder if I’ve somehow made up all of the abuse.  Also sometimes, our family would be like a real family, laughing and joking and playing together, until it wasn’t anymore and there was no warning.  Sometimes, I wonder how long it’s going to be until the other shoe drops with MT.  It certainly dropped with my last therapist after 2.5 years.  So I’m mad about that too.  Because I have to keep reminding myself that MT is not my parents nor is she my last therapist.  One of MT’S favorite words is FUCK.  Today, she told me that my parents really fucked with me and so did my last therapist.  It’s true and I’m mad about it.  And I still wish I had talked more today, because there was no real relief and now I have to hang on for 5 more days.  Ugh.

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16 thoughts on “Therapy Today

  1. I must have missed that…your therapist said you were too traumatized to heal? How terribly discouraging. 😦 I think the human body and mind is strong enough to recover from anything but some things take a lifetime to work through. Why would she want you to think that there is nothing but suffering in your future. ? I’m so sorry…that must be a bleak place to work from.

    The anger you feel…I can imagine how heavy that is. It’s well justified though. You were violated in some of the worst ways one human can hurt another.

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    • Grainne, my last therapist, not my present therapist, told me I was too traumatized to heal. My present therapist says that I’ve done 5 years of healing in 15 months. I am healing. My last therapist bilked herself as a trauma specialist, but I’d be willing to bet she just couldn’t deal with my story.

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  2. Though I understand the great tie to a therapist, it was only after Raymond moved that I realized just how strong and capable I really was. And after Matt, I also realized that I have more a grip on things than a therapist. I stay with me all day, they see person after person.
    You are the one who has the say when therapy starts and when it stops. You are the one in control. If a therapist bails or does or says something that makes it impossible for you stay, that is their problem. And they do have their own problems, sometimes hovering way over mine, making them more harmful than helpful. It’s important to spend one’s money wisely.
    Sometimes, or very often, when vulnerable, it’s hard or impossible to see that because the need is so great.

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  3. Yup, my last therapist had huge ass issues and I’ve come to realize that her issues belonged to her and not me. Some days though, those words echo in my mind. I was so shocked when I heard those words.

    MT is an awesome therapist. I think she has some issues of her own, but overall, she is a great person to walk this path with me. I am strong and quite capable, but I find that I do much better with a therapist than without one. My day to day life is a little crazy. My wife and I adopted 3 boys from foster care, and their needs have their own needs and issues. I spend lots of time at doctors and therapists and schools with them. Therapy is about me. So are a few other things, like meditation and exercise.

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    • Good that you have a safe place to do that. I’ve looked around a bit and tried a few after a woman retired who I’d seen after my mother died 6 years ago, but no luck, so I decided not to shop around until a great need arose. Many times though, I’d love to bounce some ideas and feelings off an objective person. But mostly I do alright figuring things out, and benefit from doing so.

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  4. Sigh. There is so much I can relate to in your blog. I’m so sorry for all that you have been through. As for you silence in therapy, I too have spent the better parts of my sessions in silence while I struggled to share something difficult. It’s frustrating but it seemed to be part of the process for me. Perhaps even having the thoughts and feelings in front of another human is difficult? So that’s what you were doing for 25 minutes? That’s what I was doing during my long silences in session. Hope this was helpful.

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    • Yes. I was doing that too. And it is difficult to think and feel this stuff with somebody else looking on. Sometimes, I feel as naked as if I’d just stripped all my clothes off. So, yes. I was also thinking thoughts and feeling feelings.

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  5. I don’t think you are a wackadoo, but I understand that feeling. Of going in, having so much to say, then the emotion stirs and it doesn’t play out how you imagined. Therapy is just so ridiculously hard and confusing. I t hink you’re doing a great job with it. You have a lot of grief and tough stuff coming up. Your responses to her are completely understandable and normal.

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  6. I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you that you are doing so awesomely amazing. I wish I had had an abortion after being raped by my brother, but I was to scared to tell anyone what was going on. And by the time my pregnancy was discovered, I was about 5 months along. I gave her up for adoption. Later on, just after I got out of college and was with a boyfriend I’d been with beginning the second year of college, I got pregnant. Knowing in my heart that I didn’t want to be with him for life, I had an abortion. Fortunately, I’ve never felt badly about it.

    Over the past several years, I’ve had quite an education about life and I’ve gleaned a different perspective about a lot of things. Having this new, different, perspective has helped me heal a ton. If you have an interest on a different perspective about abortions (one that might help you feel better), check out any of these posts: http://askthecouncil.com/?s=abortion . Anyone can write in with a question specific to their situation and get a broader understanding. For me, having that larger understanding has been so healing.

    Does MT know about the fact that at times you can’t see faces? She should know if she doesn’t. One of the hallmarks of a really good therapist is the ability to put their own “stuff” aside so they can be 100% present and there for you. If they “react” to anything, it’s an indicator of crap in them that’s calling to be worked on and healed.

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    • Yeah. I never thought to tell MT about the faces thing before, but now she knows. Honestly, I really probably need to concentrate on my reactions to things. MT obviously cares for me a great deal. And I have an issue with anything that I think is criticism. So, I have two reactions if I can’t catch myself. I shut down, like I did the other day. Or I get really loud. MT and I talk lots about the filters through which I see the world. One of those filters is that if somebody says something critical that I’m not good enough and that person will either hurt me or leave me. I’m working with her on not going to the extremes.

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      • We’re all doing the best we can, and are where we are. I figured out that when I have a reaction to something (and don’t worry, I react plenty), it’s because of a hurt deep inside me that is stuck in a time loop in the past. It keeps getting triggered again and again until I figure it out and heal it. I’ve managed to do this a bit, but there’s always more to go.

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