Grief, anxiety, and maybe anger

I am over the top anxious again.  I was all calmed down and then I went to therapy today.  Lots of stuff happened in therapy.  We talked about grief and the project I did on grief.   We talked about how I am changing my life and not following in the abusers’ footsteps.   We talked about how I am working on even changing my body.  I am fat, and I’ve been truly fat since I was about 16 years old.  Although, my mother withheld food from me all of my life because apparently getting fat would be the worst thing in the world. (I’m pretty sure that my parents physically, sexually, and emotionally abusing me was the worst thing in my world).  I think I got fat to protect myself.  I didn’t want people wanting sex from my body.  So I got fat.  But it was a double-edged sword.   Because my parents ridiculed me and humiliated me regarding my weight, what size clothes I wore, what I ate.  My mother talked to all of my friends about my size.  I’m 49 years old and she talked to my best friend last year about my size.  She’s not worried about my health, she is worried about what it looks like to have a morbidly obese daughter.  Well, she is not going to have a morbidly obese daughter for much longer.  I’m in the process of getting ready for gastric bypass.  I’ve lost weight and gained weight over and over, and now I finally figured out that I need some extra help.  I need to stop stuffing that kid inside me.  I need to stop feeding her all of the junk she demands.   I need to stop trying to shut her up by feeding her.  I also need to be around for my three adopted sons.  They are little, and I am old enough to be their grandmother.   As we were talking about the changing my body today, I started having flashbacks of when I was a young teenager and when my mother thought I had eaten too much or had eaten junk food, she would force me to take syrup of ipecac.   It was horrible.  She hated when her kids puked.  She didn’t want to clean vomit up.  We had one bathroom.  I was not allowed to throw up in a garbage can or a bowl.  It had to be the toilet.  It was very scary and anxiety producing.  While I was having these flashbacks today in therapy, my feet were stomping the floor and my hands were balled up in fists.  MT,  my therapist, kept saying I was angry and it is part of the grief process and that i need to express that anger.  That scared me and produced lots of anxiety for me.  I’m afraid of being angry.  It seemed to me that my parents were always angry.   I don’t want to be them.  Ugh.  I’ve taken xanax again.  I keep trying to focus on my breathing.  I stopped taking buspar several months ago.  I’m starting to wonder if I need it again.  I have an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner tomorrow so we will talk about it.  The other thing about this anxiety that I think is making it so intense is that I used to eat when I was anxious.  Now I can’t.   I’m on the practice diet for gastric bypass to prove that I can stick to an eating plan.  I’ve lost 19 pounds in 4 weeks.  So far so goid sticking to it.  I’ve tried exercising in place of eating with this anxiety, and it helps some.  But I think the bot being able to eat away this,anxiety is making me even more anxious.

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9 thoughts on “Grief, anxiety, and maybe anger

  1. Wow, Patty, you are doing some *incredible* things in your life. I know it’s hard, but really, I am so impressed with you. I even described your blog to my therapist, saying “she’s ahead of me in the healing work, and she’s such a great example.”

    I have never really felt much anger about the abuse I experienced, except maybe about my first husband’s emotional abuse. I hope I get there at some point. I don’t expect it to be fun but I do respect it as a reasonable reaction to being mistreated.

    I’m sorry about the anxiety you are experiencing and hope it calms down or your nurse can help you with it.

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    • Q, you are going to give me a big head. You know, I’m impressed with all the bloggers I read who are recovering from a traumatic childhood. That includes you. I am working hard. I am reminding myself that I’m a warrior everyday. I’m not sure I’m ahead of you, just in a different place. I love reading your blog.

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  2. The cruelty of what your mother did is not something I could imagine a parent doing. It saddens me so deeply for all you have suffered.
    Maybe some have had good long term results after gastric bypass, but mine were temporary, and years later have caused me problems like being unable to tolerate taking calcium, and I’ve gained much of the weight back. It is something I have regretted exquisitely.
    Right after the surgery, my starving emotional needs hadn’t changed, so too often I’d eat just a tiny bit more than that small pouch of a stomach could handle and spent too many hours on the cold tile floor wrapped around the toilet bowl waiting to vomit.
    Food filled all the starving places within me, and there were/are many. As I grow, and learn self-compassion, I’m beginning to fill those voids with what I was so hungry for in childhood but never received; love, support, protection, wholeness, family, safety, knowing I was OK, capable, lovable..the list goes on and on. . It’s a slow process, but I don’t have driving urges to eat, eat, eat, as often as I once did.
    I don’t want to dissuade you from something that might work OK for you, but not sharing my own fairly horrific experiences with it wouldn’t be right either.
    Your mother is losing out if she can’t see past a person’t body. It was my mother who told me about this operation delightedly, and excitedly, and she is very much the impetus for why i heard about it and had it, so very unfortunate for me.
    I wasn’t happy thinner, that has come in recent years as I accepted my past, and myself, all of me, including this big old body! I don’t like the extra weight, and am often disgusted with myself for having it, then remember that won’t help me live a fulfilling day. Treating my entire self will, so I work at dong the things each day that make me feel good about myself and productive; meditation, my meadow walks, putting the food in that makes my body work right (oh how boring, but that includes bran cereal) and taking the rest time I need in between all the other things I putter with each day.
    http://wp.me/p4Qpte-7O
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    • Patricia, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply to this blog post. I have thought about having gastric bypass on and off for the last 10 years. Up until the last few years, I only knew 2 people who had this surgery and they did not do well. In the last few years, two people very close to me had this surgery. They have done phenomenally well. I never spoke with anybody about the possibility of ME having this surgery until I decided that I was going to have it. One thing I have going for me is that I have been addressing my eating for awhile. I’m ready for the change. Another good thing for me is that there have been lots of improvements in the surgery. Like no big incision. It’s done laproscopically. Another good thing is that my mother would be totally against this surgery and she will not even know that I am having surgery, nor will she ever be told. I know lots of people don’t do well with this surgery. I also know that lots of people do great. Your experience sounds absolutely horrible. I know that getting thinner will not .ake me happier. I’m just hoping that it will allow me to live a healthier, more active life with my little boys.

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  3. You are very brave and you are doing the work. Kudos to you! As much as I endured, I can’t imagine what it was for you.

    I wish you much success with gastric bypass. If you want more help healing underlying issues, I recommend using energy healing modalities like Tapping (also called Emotional Freedom Technique- EFT). I’ve not used it myself, but I’ve seen that it’s very helpful for many people. I have, however, used other energy healing modalities to address things like my “emotional eating” (food addiction) with amazing success (hypnotherapy that helped me go back to the initiation of various things like the very first time I used food to extinguish feelings, and affect healing, and other energy work). I considered gastric bypass, but for me, I knew that until I healed why I overate, the surgery wouldn’t be successful long term. Again, this is for me.

    Hoping only the very best for you.

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