Change in Perspective (revisited)

I wrote a very positive blog post yesterday about not being part of the abusers and the abuse not being my fault.  And I still believe the post I wrote yesterday.   The abuse was…the abuse happened.  The abuse was not my fault.  And I am…alive…healing…struggling…in pain…a warrior..loveable. ..not cut from the same cloth as the abusers.

I am struggling.  In a really big way.   But not in the destructive way I was struggling a couple of weeks ago.  I did some stuff in my early 20’s that I’m pretty ashamed of.  I sought out attention and love from some of the abusers by welcoming and initiating the abuse.  Instead of getting the attention and love that I wanted, I was abused AND also shamed and degraded.  The words that came my way were more punishing then the acts.   That happened for two years in a row…for a few days each time.  Then the third year, I did not initiate anything.  I went to visit these abusers in another state and thought that if I did not initiate,anything, neither would they.  I was wrong.  I was humiliated.  I was beaten.  I was tied down.  I was sexually assaulted.  I had bruises and welts and could barely move.  It hurt to stand.  It hurt to sit.  It hurt to walk.  And I was a thousand miles away from home and any semblance of safety.  I had no way to get home earlier and no place to go.  When, I finally got home, I went to bed for at least a week.  I was scared.  I was peeing blood.  I didn’t eat.  My job called.  I didn’t answer the phone.  I lost said job.  I drank water and slept.  Sometimes I stayed in bed for more than 24 hours.  I thought I would die.  I hoped I would die.  I didn’t.   Eventually I emerged.  I went to my therapist.  Didn’t tell her most of the story.  I just spoke it for the first time a couple of weeks ago to MT. 

And here we are.  I am struggling.   When I first told MT the story, I was ashamed and felt stupid.   Why would somebody in her 20’s be stupid enough and naive enough to think that allowing herself to be abused would bring her love?  And why did I keep going back?  MT kept telling me to have compassion and love for the person I was then.  That I was very alone in the world and craved connection with those abusers just like I always had.  That i was chronologically in my 20’s, but emptionally, stuck in young childhood.  I didn’t want to have compassion for that part of me.  I wanted to stomp on her and snuff her from this world.  And while I was feeling that lack of compassion and enormous rage,  I wanted to hurt myself.  I was outrageously anxious.  

I was talking to MT about this again the other day.  Yelling that I was not going to have compassion for this part.  That this part nearly got me killed.  Crossing my arms and rolling my eyes.  Stomping my feet.  And MT asked how old I was and I yelled that I was 8 years old and why was that older part not taking care of me. 

So.  I am struggling.  Trying to show compassion to the me as a young adult who wanted connection.  Trying to calm and soothe younger parts who are terrified and raging about why I went back …again and again.  

And struggling because for some reason all illusion that I can make the abuse not have happened has dissipated.  

The abuse happened.  It was horrible.  It is over.  I am rescuing myself.  And I am.  I am good.  I am from God.  The angels are watching over me.  I am okay.  I am loveable.  And I am in pain and struggling.

PS.  I honestly do not know if this post makes sense.   I feel like I’m going around in circles.  I’m accepting and mad and sad and confused all at the same time.

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9 thoughts on “Change in Perspective (revisited)

  1. I can understand some of this and you have to learn to love your inner self and to forgive those creeps for what they did. I went through similar things, not as severe, but I couldn’t forgive myself or them, but I have finally gotten there. It happened over 40 years ago and I am just now able to forgive. Love yourself and know that God loves you too. God bless you!

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  2. I think your post makes perfect sense. You were in a confusing situation, and it makes sense you have a lot of conflicting feelings about it. You were doing all you knew at the time, to get your needs met. And how very sad and painful of a time that was for you. I am so glad you made it through that hellacious experience. I really can’t imagine the trauma you endured. Sending support for you, in struggle or less struggle. You’re doing really inspiring work, I hope you can give yourself that acknowledgment.

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  3. All I can say is, I support you Patty. I don’t know if I could forgive. Perhaps accept that people do terrible things from a very sick space and that might be the most one could expect under these circumstances. You are strong enough to have happiness in your life now and maybe to derive strength from what you have been through. Surely it must give you insight into the plight of others and be a help to them, even if through reading your words. Courage, dear friend. You have much support from this community.

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    • Beth, thank you so much. I’m not so much for forgiving the abusers, but for letting go. They are evil. They do not belong in my world. I have gained strength and understand the power I have as a warrior in this world. I am raising three boys who came from a horribly abusive background. All three have huge emotional, behavioral, educational, and physical issues due to the trauma they endured before they came to live with me. I would not have the strength or the understanding had I not lived through what I did. Although, I have to tell you, it’s very difficult having 4 out of the 5 people in the household dealing with PTSD issues.

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  4. It doesn’t seem fair to say that you initiated or welcomed the abuse. You were hurting and seeking love in the only way that you knew how. I think that when we’re deprived of love from the places in which we should be getting it we seek out what we’ve been shown to be “love” from anyone that will show it to us. If that makes any sense. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and gentle hugs, if okay?

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    • Amb, all good thoughts and gentle hugs accepted. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I guess I really didn’t initiate the abuse….but I have this huge shame over my part in it. Though, if that’s the only love and connection I felt with those people, I guess it makes sense.

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      • It does. You sought out what you were familiar with-what you’d been taught to believe that you deserved. There is no shame in that. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, I know, but just know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are strong and resilient and you’ve done the best that you could. 🙂

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