Change in Perspective

I had one of those realizations today that make my brain feel like it’s  breaking.   It was really bad.  My life before I was really a grown-up was really bad.  To quote a blog ai read today, and I don’t know what blog it was, “I grew up in Hell”.  Now, to some readers who know me in real life, that statement may seem more than a little dramatic.  But, I need for you to understand, that nobody knows the whole story.  MT,  my present therapist, knows the most, but nobody knows the whole thing.  And I tend not to share, because I don’t want to break the people who care about me.  I don’t want to scare them away.  I think I’m different than many who survived horrific things, because I don’t think I forgot a moment of my childhood.  It’s etched in my mind, like a diamond on glass, and it replays, unbidden, again and again.  But, there it is, I grew up in Hell and the Devil Incarnate was there.  And the evil tried to pull me down into its ranks, but the hand of God reached down and lifted me up.  And the people God sent scraped the blackness and stink of evil off me, and uncovered my pink soul….my soul the color of innocent little and not so little girls.  And if my soul is pink and beautiful and their souls are not, then I am not them, and it was not my fault, and it will never change.  It was, but I am.

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