I am doing lots of stuff. In all parts of my life. I am learning how to depend on myself. I am not expecting other people to change who they are to meet my needs. I am learning to change who I am so that I can meet my own needs.
I am healing. I am REALLY healing. I am talking about memories and learning about how the things that happened to me have affected me. I am writing and collaging about these things that happened to me and about my healing process. I am learning to honor that little girl that lives within me. I am learning how to let her feel what she feels but not let her drive the bus. I am taking care of that little girl. I am taking care of me. I am working on learning that things just are. That if I don’t judge them, it helps. I am working on not making things good or bad or right or wrong. They just are. Sometimes, they just were. I am feeling my feelings. I am owning my feelings. I am working on owning my body. I am working on treating my body in a healthy manner. I am working on not feeding junk to that child inside of me just to shut her up. I am finding out what will soothe that child. I am not continuing the cycle of abuse. I am owning the power in me to do what I need to do for that child and for me.
I am taking care of my children in the way that children deserve to be taken care of. I am loving them and hugging them and praising them and teaching them how to do the right thing. I am teaching them how to be in charge of their bodies and their minds and their hearts. I am giving them power. I am teaching them not to give away their own power.
I am loving my wife. I am trusting her and taking care of her when I can. I am sharing my feelings and my experiences with her. I am letting her see all of me. I am having fun with my wife and working on being the best wife I can be.
I am not giving away my power anymore. I am in charge of my life and how I react to what other people do and don’t do. I am speaking up for myself. I am being an adult. I am working on presenting myself more as an adult. I am thinking about myself more as an adult. I am in charge of how I dress and do my hair. I am not just defaulting to a hair style my mother gave me when I was five. (I am also not wearing the underwear she always dressed me in anymore…no more white granny underpants!) When I look in the mirror, I am seeing a 49 year old woman instead of a little girl.
I am learning what my boundaries are. I am letting people know when they are crossing my boundaries. And at the same time, I am being more open with people. About my struggles. About my victories. About my losses. I am letting people see who I really am.
I am grieving. I am taking inventory of the losses I have had and I am grieving them so that I can continue to heal. I am telling my story. I am not not taking undue blame for that story anymore. I am letting go of my fairy tale family. I am acknowledging that I did not ever have the family that I see in the pictures. I am working on putting together my own version of a family. I am looking for that family in other places.
I am being a warrior. I am a warrior. I am fighting battles and them and rejoicing. I am fighting battles and losing them and sharing that defeat with other people. I am letting myself rest and regroup after a defeat. I am letting myself cry and feel the feelings. And then, I am rising and attending to the next battle. I am a warrior. I am winning this war.