What am I Doing?

I am doing lots of stuff.  In all parts of my life.  I am learning how to depend on myself.  I am not expecting other people to change who they are to meet my needs.  I am learning to change who I am so that I can meet my own needs.

I am healing.  I am REALLY healing.  I am talking about memories and learning about how the things that happened to me have affected me.  I am writing and collaging about these things that happened to me and about my healing process.  I am learning to honor that little girl that lives within me.  I am learning how to let her feel what she feels but not let her drive the bus.  I am taking care of that little girl.  I am taking care of me.  I am working on learning that things just are.  That if I don’t judge them, it helps.  I am working on not making things good or bad or right or wrong.  They just are.  Sometimes, they just were.  I am feeling my feelings.  I am owning my feelings.  I am working on owning my body.  I am working on treating my body in a healthy manner.  I am working on not feeding junk to that child inside of me just to shut her up.  I am finding out what will soothe that child.  I am not continuing the cycle of abuse.  I am owning the power in me to do what I need to do for that child and for me.

I am taking care of my children in the way that children deserve to be taken care of.  I am loving them and hugging them and praising them and teaching them how to do the right thing.  I am teaching them how to be in charge of their bodies and their minds and their hearts.  I am giving them power.  I am teaching them not to give away their own power.

I am loving my wife.  I am trusting her and taking care of her when I can.  I am sharing my feelings and my experiences with her.  I am letting her see all of me.  I am having fun with my wife and working on being the best wife I can be.

I am not giving away my power anymore.  I am in charge of my life and how I react to what other people do and don’t do.  I am speaking up for myself.  I am being an adult.  I am working on presenting myself more as an adult.  I am thinking about myself more as an adult.  I am in charge of how I dress and do my hair.  I am not just defaulting to a hair style my mother gave me when I was five.  (I am also not wearing the underwear she always dressed me in anymore…no more white granny underpants!)  When I look in the mirror, I am seeing a 49 year old woman instead of a little girl.

I am learning what my boundaries are.  I am letting people know when they are crossing my boundaries.  And at the same time, I am being more open with people.  About my struggles.  About my victories.  About my losses.  I am letting people see who I really am.

I am grieving.  I am taking inventory of the losses I have had and I am grieving them so that I can continue to heal.  I am telling my story.  I am not not taking undue blame for that story anymore.  I am letting go of my fairy tale family.  I am acknowledging that I did not ever have the family that I see in the pictures.  I am working on putting together my own version of a family.  I am looking for that family in other places.

I am being a warrior.  I am a warrior.  I am fighting battles and them and rejoicing.  I am fighting battles and losing them and sharing that defeat with other people.  I am letting myself rest and regroup after a defeat.  I am letting myself cry and feel the feelings.  And then, I am rising and attending to the next battle.  I am a warrior.  I am winning this war.

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3 thoughts on “What am I Doing?

  1. I just hopped over here from Not My Secret to Keep. So glad to have discovered your blog. I haven’t written much about my sexual abuse (more about my verbally abusive mentally ill mother) on my site, but under another name I have written quite a bit (https://persephoneepiphany.wordpress.com/). Just wanted to say, “Great for you!!!” So, so, so happy to see people who have found the way to rise about shitty life circumstances. Looking forward to reading more. -Susan

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! You inspire me. These are the things I am working toward, but I am not there fully there yet. In fact, lately I’m kid of mired in the pit. But even as I’m wallowing in it, listless, exhausted, discouraged, there is a little hopeful voice in me that says, “wait a while and you’ll crawl out of this.” Then I hope I’ll stand up, take a few steps, and in time be on the path you are on. Thanks for sharing this. It encourages me. And good for you! You’ve accomplished so much!
    — Q.

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    • You will climb out of the pit. And then you may fall back in again. I’m not sure where you are in your journeY, but I’ve been on this journey for a very long time. I have worked really hard. I am finally seeing myself winning battles. But my therapist, my guide, assures me there are still many battles ahead. I may lose some. I’ll probably lose many. But I’m still the Victor because I’m not following in my abusers’ footsteps.

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